Down Under

Last Post

2010-02-16T21:22:00.002+11:00

Just finishing off before I entirely delete this blog.

My boys are now 7 months old and I feel very lucky to be a mother. People always assume it must be hard looking after twins, but I tell them teaching was harder. I also don't tell them that infertility was much much harder than having the boys. I think I have survivor's guilt, it's hard to explain, but I don't want to hurt or offend someone inadvertently who is going through IF.

Also much harder was watching my cousin die over Christmas/ New Year after battling a rare cancer for 3 years. It kind if pisses me off when people ask me if she had kids ( she didn't), as if it's not as bad as it is. This was a young, fit beautiful person who comforted me during my IF and when she found out I was pregnant promised she would be there to hold my babies and she was. I expected to get old with my cousin, continue walking our dogs, staying at our holiday house, watching Carlton win and growing old together. Now my boys won't have the privilege of growing up with her.

I will come back in a few weeks and delete. To everyone who has been here and left comments thank you. The support was fantastic.

Amnio

2009-02-19T20:50:00.003+11:00

Hi everyone thanks for the comments.

Amnio was on Monday and a little painful. I was OK as I didn't look at the needle. We paid extra to get the 24 hr result. That was for trisomy 13, 18 and 21. They were all clear. We have to wait for the rest, probably next week.

I'm feeling a lot better now the preliminary results are in. I still can't quite relax and we will hold off buying anything until later down the track. I'm seriously thinking of working up to 28 or 30 weeks. Most of my friends at work went to 34 weeks, but they are 10 years younger than me and had singletons. I feel like I have been running up a hill even when talking to my classes.

Also found out that we are having boys. My nephews are very excited. My sister and I need to explain to them that they are cousins and half brothers.

Thanks again. I had time to catch up on a lot of blogs as my Dr gave me 3 days off work after the amnio.

If anyone is listening out there

2009-01-28T17:24:00.002+11:00

I know it's been a long time but I want to finish off this blog and update.

2007 was a horrible year for us. We did another cycle of IVF and again nothing after transfers. Mid year we did PGD and all 10 embryos were duds. I couldn't stop crying for days and luckily it coincided with my holidays.

One more cycle after that, a transfer and BFN, but got the donor talk. I was in two minds about this but felt humbled when both my sisters and my sister in law offered. My younger sister cycled in December, but had to be canceled as she overstimmed and would have had OHSS if she went on.

2008: She cycled again in January and the transfer was successful. I had very good beta scores but started bleeding and my progesterone was dropping. I had to use more pessaries, but this didn't work and I miscarried in March at about 6 weeks. We did a FET after that but that didn't work.

I was in two minds about my sister cycling again as I know how it feels. She said that we got close and had to try again. So we did. I always knew my little sister was special, kind and caring. We were crying and she said I just want to make it right for you. So this last chance has worked. Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks pregnant with twins. We are still scared, but feeling a little bit more confident every day. It hasn't been without dramas as the same thing happened at the start betas rising and bleeding and progesterone falling. This time after my 4th Beta the nurses rang me at work and said get in here as fast as you can and we will inject you with gestone. Within 24hrs the bleeding had stopped,but not my shaking. My Dr gave me 3 days off so I could calm down. He also scanned me, just before I told him I was convinced that it was all over, instead we saw 2 sacs. So until I was 10 weeks, every second day I went to the hospital and had a gestone shot.

Our 12 week scan was very good and even though the nuchal folds were good and the overall scores good, we have an amnio on the 16th Feb. I'm nervous about it, but convinced it's the right thing to do.

And after all this time of TTC and on IVF I thought I wouldn't complain, but the nausea and vomiting have been intense. I spent the school holidays mainly in bed or on the couch. My Dr prescribed me anti nausea tablets but they don't work. In some way I welcome the vomitting and nausea as at least I know the pregnancy is still OK.

Still cautious but starting to breathe a little easier.

Saturday Transfer and M/C mentioned

2006-12-09T17:14:00.000+11:00

Today after work I transfered 1 embryo, the last from the batch of 5. Things worked out as it was scheduled for 2.10pm, it was at the Royal Women's (2 blocks from work) and my Dr was only about 15 minutes late. My sister was working with me and was going to come in and look at it on the screen, but we were still busy and she had to stay at the shop. I hope that doesn't sound weird, she wouldn't have gone down the business end or anything like that. It hurt like crazy today, My Dr was finding it difficult to get into my cervix, so there was a fair bit of cramping and a bit of blood. The embryologist said embryo was perfect and doing what it was suppose to be doing. I said thanks and just said in my head "been there done that".

I asked my Dr if we could do PGD in the new year if this one follows the general pattern of the rest and he said ok. I have just had a quick glance at the PGD threads on IVF Connections and I'm in two minds now. I'll have to do more research over the next few weeks.

I'm also on antibiotics at the moment for a sinus infection. My Dr said it was ok to take them and transfer. It's not helping things with all the bushfire smoke around at the moment. We have our dogs' Christmas break up party tomorrow. The weather prediction is hot north winds and about 38, I actually hate getting the sun on me, so I'm not sure if we will go yet. Pity Leo is keen to defend his title as the dog that can eat the fastest. His technique is to not chew anything just swallow it.

My sister also had a Drs appointment today at the Women's. She miscarried 3 weeks ago and went in for a check up and pathology. The problem was trisnomy 13 (spelling?) and we were teary when she came back as she found out it was a girl. She says she is ok and her two little boys keep her busy. It's been good to talk about things with her.

That's all for the moment, hopefully I will catch up with the Melbourne girls soon. Wish I had better news to report.

Sunday

2006-11-15T08:12:00.000+11:00

Just a quick update from work.

On Sunday we transferred two embryos, thawed out perfectly. I always hold my breath and get nervy about the phone ringing before hand. As usual they looked good on the screen. I just wish my ute would stop murdering them.

Good thing was I ovulated on Thursday so I didn't have to miss any work and could transfer on the Sunday. Some one I work with and can't stand had a go about the time off I've had. I was so upset as it's none of her business, I always have a Drs certificate and I still have 154 sick days that I've never used. The real piss off is that she is often away, probably more than me.

The Drs roster around on Sundays and I had a nice lady Dr. She was pregnant, I tried to avoid looking at her stomach, but J saw it as a good sign. I'm over signs and omens and I'm over positive thinking and any thing like that. It just makes me feel crazy.

A bit peeved at the price of a natural thaw cycle which has risen nearly 30%, I said to J it's not like any new technique or research has been added to the cycle, so why has it gone up by so much?

I think that was our 14th or 15th transfer, I've lost count. We have one embryo in storage.

Now the dreaded two week wait and no alcohol or coffee.

Also add Cup Day party went well. Unfortunately I forgot to eat except for a cup cake and champange. Then I ate a salad roll after everyone had gone. An hour later I threw it all up. I didn't feel drunk, but must have been. I had already got my present from J which was tickets to Dwight Yoakam I took a friend along as I know J would rather slash his wrists than sit through a country music concert. I felt so happy at the concert, I realised that a lot of the time I'm sad and unhappy, although I usually hide it from everyone.

I have been gradually catching up on people's blogs. I'm a little paranoid about reading and posting at work, in case I'm busted. After reports are out of the way I'll have a lot more time to read and post.

update, nothing new

2006-11-01T21:52:00.000+11:00

I need to update as a record of what I have gone through, but I feel that it is disappointing for people as it is a list of -ve news.
The FET in June didn't work, nor did the one in July which was one embryo thawed out and one that didn't make it.

Then August 22 eggs and only 4 embryos. Two fresh and two for a FET and again nothing.

October and another Fresh cycle 18 eggs, lower dose of gonal. Five embryos.

Last week got a zero, after stupidly doing a POS test and getting two lines Friday and Saturday and then realising it was only 10 days after the trigger.

Now waiting for a wanding on Friday and will begin wee tests for a natural thaw cycle.

Still could be worse , caught up with a friend today who lost all 9 embryos in the thaw. She started down reg again today.

I just went through my stats, I'm not sure if they are completely accurate as I may have missed some.
149 eggs collected
36 embryos
5 died on thaw
6 Fresh transfers
7 FETs
one miscarriage
Making me feel like a total loser.

Looking forward to the Melbourne blogger meeting and my Melbourne Cup party where I will get off my brain. Actually bought some posh champange today Moet and Chandon (and I haven't even paid off my IVF bills!!!) The guy in the bottle shop asked if it was a gift and if I wanted it wrapped and seemed very surprised that it was for me and I wasn't even going to the cup. It was partly my birthday present to myself and I'll share it with my girlfriends.

Taking a break

2006-06-09T12:18:00.000+10:00

I had my Beta today, it will be 0 as I got my period on Monday. I'm gearing up for a FET, which I'll get in before I go back to work. It's a natural thaw cycle so I don't have to worry about any medication, just that they actually thaw out.

I'm also expecting the karyotyping test results today. J and I are quite frankly sick and tired of everything. We don't know how much we can keep going. We feel like we are flogging a dead horse. I keep getting resentful of the money we are spending for no result. I think it has especially been pissing me off this month as our plumbing collapsed under the house and we had to spend $7000.00. It was the same day that the IVF bill came in. I'm also sick and tired of the mental, emotional and physical side of all this.

If we stop treatment we probably have no chance of conceiving naturally because of the zona binding issue. I think if it was just my age as a factor we would probably have more chance, although don't quote me on that, I think I saw some stats. some where on my travels in cyber space. We will be a child free couple as I've said before adoption is not an option. It's not what I want in life and I think I'll always carry around a sadness and bitterness, I just hide it.

I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I find it so depressing lately especially with some of the tragic outcomes friends have had recently. I feel like I'm reliving my miscarriage and I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do to help them. Sometimes in my really dark moments I sob uncontrollably and think over and over why did you die. Thanks for the support, I'll be back in a few weeks after this latest FET.

21

2006-05-26T15:44:00.000+10:00

21 eggs at pick up on Wednesday. Surprisingly I don't feel sore, my stomach is sticking out and pressing on my bladder making me go to the toilet frequently. Six embryos, much better than the last two times. Today I had two put back a grade 1 and grade 2. Hoping they will stay around.

Funny you should say that......

2006-05-23T16:22:00.000+10:00

I actually didn't mention that last week I saw the genetic counselor to discuss PGD. We are also doing blood tests for kryotpying (spelling?). If we go ahead with PGD it will have to be next cycle and a down reg. When I expressed reservations about the down reg., as we have had the worst fertilization results on it, she said it was because I was fertile and my body preferred a short flare that worked with it's natural cycle. How frustrating it was to hear that. They can't tell me why the fuck I'm not pregnant or why I miscarried and PGD doesn't come with iron clad gaurantees. It's just all part of the general IVF shite.

There is also the draw back of an extra $2500.00 on top of the normal price, lucky for us this procedure has just had a price rise. So we won't make a decision until after the blood tests and obviously this cycle.

This is all doing my head in so in the mean time I'll look at Capt. Mal and think of Serenity.

Harvesting

2006-05-22T17:45:00.000+10:00

I'm going with the freaky sci-fi way of saying that I'm triggering tonight and being harvested on Wednesday. This is because of J's and my obsession with Firefly , I know that I'm late to this show. Luckily J had downloaded it ages ago and only he watched a couple of episodes. I'm up to episode 5 and haven't seen the movie. I love that feeling when you get to the last episode and you want to see it, but you don't because that's it. It sure beats the junk on TV here in Australia at the moment. I don't know what it is about Big (Bogan) Brother, even the ads of the show make me feel like punching their faces in.

Now for the stats. Usual 18-20 follicles
lining 12mm
bloated thunderous thighs and belly

Amazing

2006-05-13T21:14:00.000+10:00

Don't you think it's amazing when lurking on the two week wait board someone posts that they are 14 odd days past a 2/3/5 day transfer that they are spotting? They ask if this is late implantation bleeding and someone gets on and reassures them that it is and they had it and now have quadruplets or something like that. Because it never is for me, it's always my period.

Beta negative and now shooting Gonal-F at 300ml tonight on a good ol' flare cycle. I must need my head read, but I can't let go. Not until my ovaries totally fail, maybe then I'll get the hint. Also rather scared of failing again, I've even lost count of the number of times I've done this. Perhaps the generous funding of Medicare and the no limits on cycles no matter what your age in Australia has it's downside. While there is even a slight chance and we can use my wage to pay for it we feel we have to keep trying. Luckily my first sewing project has been a brown velvet A-line skirt, just in time to hide my Gonal-F thighs over the next 2 weeks.

Cheers!!!

"Are you getting breakfast in .....

2006-05-12T12:34:00.000+10:00

....in bed on Sunday?" (x2)
Me: "No my dogs have learnt that trick yet."

Which is what I thought about saying after I left the butchers yesterday. Both butchers asked me. It was CD1, no surprises as I'm a rabid POAS, kind of infertile. Instead I just said no and half laughed it off. The butchers had just assumed that I have children. I got home and rang J, burst into tears and ranted about all the Mother's day stuff in my face even in the supermarket. Can't even pick up a can of lentils without it being suggested as a great gift.

So I'm expecting a phone call this afternoon with a confirmation of a negative Beta and when to pick up my meds. I must be crazy, there goes the hope of a sewing machine and the plumber came today to tell us that the pipes are completely broken and they have to dig them up and replace them. It's a fairly urgent as the toilet keeps getting blocked. I'm sure a new ager would claim that both J and are blocked and that the house is reflecting that or something similar.

I'll end with some good news. I started sewing lessons a couple of weeks ago and absolutely love them. I go twice a week as I'm still on leave. Not only that, but I'm quite good at it. I might even get around to taking up hems, being the short arse that I am.

Six random things.

2006-05-03T17:10:00.000+10:00

I'm quite flattered as Ankasia has tagged me to write 6 weird or random things about myself. I haven't done this before, hope it doesn't bore you.

1. I'm addicted to chili, the hotter the better and I put it in everything possible. I have two different plants growing in my vegie patch claiming to be the hottest. My favourite sandwich is grated cheese with chopped up raw chilies (seeds included). My latest discovery is hot chocolate with chili in it. My husband is secretly proud that I can eat food as hot as his Sri Lankan family makes.

2. I love reading crime thrillers, one of my favourites is Karin Slaughter , her main character deals with infertility and solves hideous crimes along the way.

3. I love dogs. My first childhood memories are of asking for a pet dog. My siblings and I then grew up in dog heaven. My aunt started to breed Maltese, we always had the male dogs and she had the females and lots of little white fluffy puppies.

4. I hate the feel of icey pole sticks and wooden spoons. Ican't stand eating an icecream if it's attatched to one.

5. I'm obsessed with wedding dresses. I love looking at them and have a secret fantasy to be a wedding dress designer. I've just starting sewing classes as I can't even take up hems.

6. I used to be a surflife saver and spent a lot of time swimming in the surf and surfing with my siblings and cousins. I developed a really bad shark phobia about 10 years ago and no longer swim much in the ocean and especially not out deep.

Seems we got a lucky break.

2006-04-29T15:00:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I rang the clinic to get my transfer time. So far so good as they didn't transfer me to the nurses. I had spent the day at the museum with my younger sister and my nephews. It was packed full of kids and mums. I felt so jealous.

On the top floor of the museum we went to visit Phar Lap, my favourite since I was a kid and one of the reasons I'm in a race horse owning syndicate. Their were a whole lot of bored high school students sitting around. I heard one ask their tired looking teacher an annoying question along the lines of why do we have to be here. I immediately felt sick, it's so nice to do my own thing and not have to put up with "cool" teenagers all the time.

When I got home from the city I expected J to have bad news when I got in, but no phone call. By 5.00pm J said we were safe, I was still freaked and thought they might ring with bad news in the morning. Our last FET in January was cancelled and last year 3 embryos didn't thaw out successfully.

This morning I could hardly speak I was so nervous and my Dr was about 20 minutes late. We got into the transfer room and he said both had successfully thawed and were dividing. J and I both finally drew a breath, we told him we had been waiting for the phone call. I can't figure this IVF stuff out. The 4 embryos were suppose to be better grades than these two yet those ones didn't make it and these ones have. So many unknowns and so much seems to depend on luck.

It's called a drive by.

2006-04-25T18:40:00.000+10:00

We just got back from a family do for J's uncle. G his cousin told me that she is 16 weeks pregnant. She lost her baby last year at 20 weeks and they diagnosed an incompetent cervix. She told me she has just had her stitch put in and how stressed she is. She said she is always anxious and was convinced a few weeks ago that she had lost it. Her ob is really good as he lets her have scans nearly every week so she can reassure herself. She was telling my SIL and I that she can't believe how easily everyone else seems to have babies. She was also telling us that 3 weeks after her loss last year she went back to work and a colleague came into work with her new baby. She burst into G's office and was showing her the baby and going on about it. G said she just sat there and stared barely keeping it together. She was thinking that this woman must have thought she was a bitch. I said I understand how you felt and it's called a drive by.

Oh yeah I almost forgot to mention. Once again no urbany mythy legendy sort of things here. No having a break from IVF, whoops, I fell over and became pregnant. Had a scan yesterday and about to fire off the left ovary. Now hopes pinned on a successful thaw of last two embryos. Will go to a few shows at the comedy festival to try to take my mind off things. Although J refuses to go to "Spaznuts", the comedian has been told he will never have bio kids and has written a comedy show about it. It has had really good reviews and I heard him on the radio. J said he can't possibly think how IF could be funny.

Holiday stuff

2006-04-25T17:46:00.000+10:00

We've been back from holidays for a about two weeks. It was quite good although there is an extended wet season in the North at the moment so most days it rained when we were there. We stocked up on wine in South Australia in McClaren Vale. An amazing little town that is so full of wineries that you could do a wine tasting crawl down the main road on foot if you wanted. I had to do all the tasting as J had a sore throat and cold, as I know nothing about wine he can blame me if it's shit.

Then we went on the Ghan (train), through Central Australia to Darwin. This was probably the low light of the trip as the carriages were really run down and the toilets smell. The service and food, however, were amazing, so if you want to sit around putting on weight and be the youngest on the carriages then this is for you. J spent his time flogging drink coasters from the bar and jamming them into every crack and cupboard he could find to try to stop the rattling noises and get some sleep.

Darwin was great especially our tour to Lichfield National Park. As we only had limited time there we booked a couple of tours to the National Parks. The original tour company we were to go with to Litchfield cancelled and put us on another company's tour. This was a stroke of luck as it was a small group and we had an amazing Aboriginal guide. He would spot Frill Necked Lizards from the road even while traveling at 100km. None of us could see them until he caught them. Then we would take photos of them, they were a bit scary and apparently can take your finger off if they bite you (photo at top of post). One of the guys on the tour commented on his amazing eyesight and reflexes to which he said, "Mate I grew up in the bush if you didn't see them you went hungry".

He also took us on a rather small boat and made crocodiles jump out of the water to eat chunks of meat. Then we went swimming in a water hole and waded through knee deep water to look at termite mounds. Some people ate termites and green ants. I thought about eating a whole fucking handful of termites as he said the Aboriginal women eat them when they are pregnant as they are high in iron and folate. Then I came to my senses and realised that probably nothing would help. The tour ended back in Darwin with champange and freshly cooked prawns. Our guide admitted that crocodiles could jump into the boat as it was pretty small, we didn't care at this stage as we were all blind. We ended up at our hotel late that night with the room spinning.

We did a tour to Kakadu with a big company and this was ok, but not as exciting as the day before. We nearly didn't make it out of Kakadu that night as the road leading out had flooded.

The next day we went to Broome in a small plane that was noisy and a little bit scary. It mainly rained in Broome, but we still got beach time in and a camel ride down the beach. On the last full day there the weather was great and we spent five hours on the beach. J got way too much sun and has just about stopped peeling today. Ironic seeing as I'm the one with the skin that burns and doesn't tan and he's the one with the Sri Lankan skin. I got sick of nagging him to put on sunblock. I got some great walks in along Cable Beach between storms and cyclones. I'm also what I describe as a recovering vegetarian. I had not eaten meat or fish for 20 something years but the last year I've been gradually eating some fish. I went nuts on it up North. I think I ate barra nearly every night and prawns as well. I have never eaten barra in Melbourne as there are often scams where other fish are substituted for them and it is very expensive down South. I still don't eat any other meat, I just can't face it.

I'm having good days and bad days on holidays some days I cry all day and don't want to get out of bed. Other days I'm ok and don't think about IF. Some days I think it was a huge mistake to take holidays as when I work, I'm so busy that I don't have time to dwell on our barrenness. It's kind of weird people keep saying to me what do you do with all your time and I then feel guilty. But I shouldn't really as it's nice to have a break from working six days a week.

Nothing deep

2006-03-15T10:46:00.000+11:00

I got my period this morning. It was expected as I had HPTed a couple of days running and had some monster period type cramps in the lead up. Including those horrible ones that run down my quads as if I had all of a sudden I had gone to a gym and done a hundred squats.

Nothing profound to report. I keep thinking I should have some words of wisdom or insight. Just the same mixture of sadness, unfairness, anger and vacillating from wanting to cry to feeling nothing. I went to the shopping centre this morning and felt like an extra in that original "Dawn of the Dead" movie, you know the one where the joke is that the zombies just wander around the shops, like normal shoppers. That's me dead woman walking.

Will not FET this cycle as I'll be in South Australia at a winery, hopefully pissed, at about the time I ovulate. It will also be our 3rd wedding anniversary. Can't wait to feel free. It will be nice not to monitor anything. I'm going to suck back the magaritas pool/beachside in Broome.

So FET when we come back, all going well and they decide to survive the thaw.

Went out to dinner with the hens on Friday night as a farewell to V who we teach with and is now on maternity leave. At first I didn't want to go, I didn't think I could survive the baby/pregnancy talk/breast feeding talk, but I was ok. One thing really got to me though and to my SIL. We confessed to each other at a family thing a few days later. One of our friends had been in Byron Bay on holidays and gone to a party. A fairly new mum there had snorted cocaine and then couldn't breast feed and went around the party asking people for formula and then how to make it up. I don't even get angry at these kind of things anymore, I just feel sadder. I'm not saying that I would be the most fantastic mum in the world, but fuck me that's just not on.

Also my SIL was out with other friends and someone she didn't know was carrying on about how she uses all organic stuff for her baby and nothing processed and my SIL felt guilty. Next minute she whips out a joint and lights up. My SIL was mighty pissed.

Another week and a bit before I go away and when I get back I'll bore you all with holiday photos. See you then.

About the same

2006-03-04T14:16:00.000+11:00

At least they didn't tell me to sit down like last time, before going through the fertilization report. It's not that flash. Out of the 20 follicles they amended the number of eggs to 18. They fertilized 10 and 8 were going ok. Out of that we transferred a grade 2 and grade 3 today and we might have 2 to freeze. I'm not optimistic about how they will go if we have to thaw them. My Dr didn't do the transfer as it was the weekend and they roster around. So I asked this Dr if it was my egg quality, he said it was hard to be sure, but possibly. Apparently some of the embryos had two nuclei(???or something like that), my Year 12 biology is failing me at the moment. I think the news was slightly easier to bear as J was with me this time, last time he had a leave pass for a Xmas party.

So I'm hoping against hope, feeling a bit emotional as added to this it's the exact day I miscarried last year. I was certain at first that I would get pregnant again pretty quickly. Also I think it's just my age. I'm still getting the egg numbers but not the quality we used to get. Not that that seemed to make much difference anyway.

I leave work next Friday and won't be back until July 3rd. Funny thing is I always intended to leave work on maternity leave, save my long service and have it paid out when I eventually left teaching. I'm actually more of a money person than a holiday person. On Friday they will probably have a morning tea to say goodbye and one of the nice new teachers will be farewelled also, on maternity leave. It's funny that mine will be for the opposite reason. The miscarriage and "millions" of failed IVF cycles have forced my hand. I felt like I would lose it last year and this year it had been replaced by a coping, but sadness in the background. I'm actually a bit nervous about not working as I usually work 6 days a week and it seems to take my mind off things.

Any way that's all to report at the moment. The nurses asked me to get my blood test done locally in two weeks time as it will be difficult to get to the clinic during the Commonwealth Games. I feel sorry for anyone having to go in for scans, pick-ups or transfers during that time. The whole area will be blocked off during the marathon not to mention all the traffic and clogged public transport. I'll blog as soon as I know how this has turned out.

Good numbers

2006-03-02T18:02:00.000+11:00

20 eggs recovered, so now just waiting to see how many fertilize. I'm very sore, it hurts to walk. Also the nausea is a bit stronger. My stomach looks like I could be a candidate for the Biggest Loser .

7 or 8

2006-02-28T15:11:00.000+11:00

I have had two scans over the last 4 days and it looks like I have about 15 follicles. Trigger is tonight and ER is on Thursday. I actually can't remember what number IVF I'm up to. It's partly Gonal-F brain syndrome and partly that they all blur into one.

Before I started writing this an exstudent came to see us. He came to say that he has started uni and loves it. He was conceived through IVF(he told his class in science), I'm guessing among the first in Victoria. He is a sweet, intelligent and thoroughly nice person. I sat there wishing, hoping that this cycle works. I know it has worked before, but with each failure I'm losing hope. On Saturday it will be a year since I miscarried in very public (and a little embarrassing) circumstances.

I didn't go to pilates last night as I'm quite sore and uncomfortable. The thought of squeezing any of my stomach muscles was too much. I'll wag yoga tonight for the same reason. I'm very bloated around the middle. Only one more day of fitting in to work clothes then it's tracky dacs for the next 4 or 5. I also have been having bouts of nausea off and on.

I'll report back after ER and let's hope a better fertilization rate than last time.

No urban legends here.

2006-02-18T18:24:00.000+11:00

After two months off any stims and ovulating naturally from both ovaries in January I'm not pregnant. So I'm not one of those "so and so knows someone's neighbours second cousin who got pregnant waiting to do IVF blah blah blah....," puke puke.

Today I started Syneral and tomorrow 250 shots of Gonal-F. It will be a flare cycle as I have had better fertilisation rates with flares in the past. Having said that I also know how things can randomly go good to bad or bad to good within hours.

Long service leave getting closer. Actually 15 days of teaching to go. I must say it has been a stressful start to the term as I am part of a new program at school where we have 3 and 4 classes of Year 7's mixed in together. (Think the 70's, no walls between classrooms). I actually think it's a push for the Government to make us take bigger classes. We have also been teaching in a building site as the complex is half finished and this has added to the stress. We have put up with teaching our first lesson on the netball courts, tradies constantly in our classrooms, jackhammering outside the door, walking through rubble that turns to mud when it rains and the wall of the classroom being peeled off mid lesson the other day. Add to that one of the teams I'm in it feels natural to team teach with, the other is quite stressful and we share very different ideas on behaviour. Call me old fashioned but I like some classroom control. When I come back to work on the 3rd of July it will be to a new learning centre. I just hope that we will be able to divide them back into classrooms when this theory goes out of fashion again.

I'll report back after I know my scan results which will be Friday 24th Feb. In the meantine last glass of red tonight before stims tomorrow night. Actually the wine tastes like metho and being the one glass wonder that I am I already feel pissed.

Anniversary

2006-01-25T07:56:00.000+11:00

I just realised that on the 18th it was my one year anniversary of blogging. I forgot about it as I've worked for my parents during my holidays and hardly get time to read blogs. It seems like a short time ago I was so naive about getting pregnant. I knew nothing about IF. Next month it will be 3 years TTC and we have been doing IVF for 20 months now. I actually feel a bit stressed and am worried about going back to school next week. I have two days back and then go on a study camp. In some ways it has been good to be working as it means I have less time to dwell on IF and IVF etc. It also means that I'll really appreciate my long service leave in March. We only have a six week term at school because of the Commonwealth Games. Our holiday is mainly organised and I get so excited thinking about it.

I told my Dr that I didn't want to cycle this month. If my period had've come earlier it would have been fine as I'm going for a flare cycle again. We seem to have a better fertilization result with a flare. But my period arrived late enough to put me in ER time around about the time I would be on camp. I didn't want to ring the teacher in charge and pull out at this stage, I don't want to explain even though she is lovely, we have shared an office for years and I think she has pretty much guessed. She never pries but asks me how I am and if I'm ok whenever I get back from time off. My Dr said that it was ok to have this month off, but is keen for me to start again after that. It is also good to be debt free this month, no IVF cycles to pay off.

Because I've been working 6 days a week, as I said earlier, I've been too busy to think about stuff. However, a few nights ago, I was watching a British show called "Walking the Dead" ( or something like that) and it had a couple who were infertile. It made me really sad as the husband had had an affair and his lover had got pregnant. Someone had murdered his lover. When the wife found out about the affair and pregnancy she overdosed. It was a pretty lame show and had elements of people being crazed infertiles or adoptees etc. It just left me with an overwhelming sadness. I had one of those sobbing, can't breathe crying episodes in bed that night. I said to J what happens when one of us dies? Who will look after who ever is left behind? I also told him how much I hate my body and myself. This IF stuffs robs my self esteem. J just rubbed my back and then held me until I feel asleep. It's so annoying just when I think I'm under control something sets me off.

No Transfer for you!

2006-01-07T14:47:00.000+11:00

I just got home from work and my Dr called to say that our last embryo didn't make it. I had called the nurse from work to find out our transfer time, but she said that they didn't know it and would call me back. As I was at work and would then be driving home I asked her to call J at home. Alarm bells were ringing, usually they tell me the time and that's it. My Dr called J and then the nurse called to tell him the bad news. J was waiting for me when I got home, so I guessed before he said anything. My Dr insisted to J that he would call me and he did. He said how sorry he was and that he would go over my chart and call me next week. I'm a little teary, but J's amazed at how well I'm taking it. I just feel so sad. I picked my sister up to go to work today and my nephews were so cute. Every time I see them I think I want a M or G.

Good news is we have organsied our trip for March when we take long service leave. So far we are going to Adelaide and the Clare Valley ( to stock up on wine). The Ghan from Adelaide to Darwin. Kakadu at Darwin. Then Broome to the Cable Beach Resort. I'm pretty excited as I have some research to do. For instance how many G andT's will I be able to drink on the train before I can't see the pages of the book I'm reading? How many Margaritas can I put away at the resort? As excited as I am, I still wish I was pregnant during this trip.

Blood Tests and Wandings

2006-01-04T07:36:00.000+11:00

I'm waiting to ovulate, probably tomorrow. On Friday the scan showed that I would be firing off the right ovary. My Dr said there was no way I would ovulate before the 4th. This is what I told the nurse who kept insisting I was cutting it fine and may lose some of my money if I ovulated before the labs were open. Yesterday's scan indicated that I was actually going to ovulate on both sides. Weird really, fertile, but not.

I also had some blood tests done. My Dr ordered antibody (?) tests and others, including for infections etc. It was all the things I was going to ask him about. We discussed blastocysts as a possibility for another fresh cycle if this FET doesn't work. He has discussed it with the embryologists and they think that the best results are two/three day transfers. I'm also not so sure we would have any make it to day 5 going on the last cycle's effort.

The nurses at the clinic continue to say they will call me with results and for the third time haven't called. Which means I've had to leave messages and play phone tag with them. It is quite frustrating.

Other than that I don't have much to report. I have only taken the main day holidays as I'm working in the family business, filling in for my brother who is down the beach life guarding over summer. I told J that I'm going to spend the money on clothes and stuff. Not IVF bills or the mortgage. This will be so novel actually spending money on fun stuff.

I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs but don't get home from work until after 7.00pm. I might have Friday off work so I'll use that to read and comment.

Thanks

2005-12-25T19:57:00.000+11:00

Thanks everyone for the advice. Sorry I haven't been able to thank everyone personally, but we only broke up on Wednesday and I had last minute shopping to do. We also had my family over for Christmas Eve and then we went to J's family today. I cooked a Christmas pudding and Nigella's chocolate and gingerbread cake. We also did a BBQ and other stuff for my family do.

I'm going to ask for some blood tests, I think they have ones for immune issues or infections. I'm still not sure but will ask my doctor. Lining doesn't seem to be an issue, I've been suspicious in the past and asked him. He always says it's fine and he wouldn't let me go on with transfer if it wasn't. I also don't have any hormones during my FETs not even progesterone gel. It probably comes down to age in the end.

Today I came out of the IVF closet to J's cousin G. I told her she can tell others in the family if she wants. It's good to be out, even though I won't be broadcasting what's going on. When mum told my close cousins I was doing IVF I was quite mad at her, but she said it was nothing to be ashamed of. I thought about that and realised that in some ways I am. It's this little niggling thought, that I'm a failure, that I'll probably never succeed at what my body is suppose to do relatively easily.

I was a bit teary today, but on the whole I've been coping well. I'm walking the dogs every morning early before it gets too hot. I'm also doing my yoga every day. I've decided to do yoga even through the FET if we have it this month. Speaking of which on Friday I went for my blood test and asked the nurse if I could do the FET this month. She said ok if I ovulate at the right time, I think the clinic is closed for a few weeks. Last year the clinic had only reopened a day or two when we did a FET and that's when I got pregnant. It just seems so depressing that it is almost a year ago. She was supposed to ring me back that day. I was boiling my pudding all day and doing housework and realised it was 5.00pm, the clinic had well closed and no phone call. Now I don't know what's going on. I didn't call my Dr even though he told me to as soon as I knew the result. I thought he would find out soon enough from the nurses. I have to try and ring between Christmas and New Year and I'm not even sure they are open then. On top of all that I'm working in the family business from Wednesday onwards as my brother is lifeguarding these holidays at the surf beach.

Inappropriate Christmas Present, Can you top this?
On Wednesday we broke up from school and one of the teachers who bats for the same side gave one of the hens a weird present. It was a blow up sex doll with a vibrating cock. The hen was somewhat taken aback as were we all. Physical Education AFL FootyJock and good friend (PEJ) was helping her load things into the car including this.
PEJ: Do you think he used it?
Hen: What? NO. But should it come in plastic or something.
PEJ: I think he used it.
Hen: OMG!! He just walked past. Do you think he heard?
PEJ: Yeah the wind was going that way.

Later:
Hen: explains present to me.
Meg: Faints Jane Austen heroine style wiping brow, "I can feel a law suit coming on. How does early retirement sound?"

Circles

2005-12-20T16:03:00.000+11:00

I got my period today. It was not a surprise as I had been having some precursor cramps for a few days running and I'd HPTed. I feel like a dog that has been beaten, I seem to be expecting failure.

The fertilization threw J. He is usually optimistic and full of hope. This cycle he went all out. He continued the acupuncture and not drinking. He also added daily Chinese herbs and vitamin E to his regime. We were hoping that this would influence embryo quality and we would get a decent amount of eggs fertilized. Instead we got a worse result than we usually get.

I think the thing I hate most about this whole thing is that it seems so random. I hate it being out of my control. I'm sick and tired of doing this, not doing that. Cycle after fucking cycle. I feel like we are going around in circles.

So I need your help. Your expertise. I have one frozen embryo left, if that doesn't work out, then I will cycle again. I think that I have to do something different. It seems to me that it is coming down to implantation issues. Nearly all embryos put back have been grade 1 and 2. My Dr often comments on how good they look. I need to know what tests to ask my DR for. I'm not sure what kinds of tests there are for implantation, but I have come across some stuff on it.

I haven't cried much at all with this failed cycle. I feel like another little bit of me has turned to stone. I feel angry and pissed off. I got the last bill for the cycle yesterday, I don't feel like paying. Probably because I've been flat out at work I haven't really had time to take it all in.

Thanking you all in advance for any advice as long as it's not "relax" (Which is what a fill in hypnotherapist told me was the only reason why women are unable to conceive.)

2005-12-09T15:43:00.000+11:00

Just got back from transfer and things haven't gone that well. There is good news as we transferred 2 embryos, one grade 1 and the other grade 2. I'm grateful for this.

However we only have one to freeze a grade 2. They ICSIed 15 (more than any other time) and they were looking good. Then they went belly up. They even thought I would have 4 or 5 more to freeze, but they didn't make it.

On other down reg. cycles I've had the same results. I seem to have more to freeze on flare cycles. I actually asked my DR if I my eggs were too old and crap, I feel a bit bogan using the word crap, I should have said poor quality or something. He said no that sometimes these things happen and they can't explain it. He thinks I should keep trying if this doesn't work out.

I think my Dr is fantastic. He is so reassuring and told me to call him as soon as I know the result. We also discussed the state of IVF funding in Australia. He thinks that there won't be limits put on it or a cut in the government paying half. We talked about how the new premises are fantastic. He asked if I noticed the logo on the doors. It just says Melbourne and has a little circle. He said it was for our privacy as people don't understand IVF and judge it without knowing any thing about it. Then on the way out he was walking back to the hospital from the clinic and he showed me where they are constructing a walk way from the hospital to the new clinic so we won't have to go in from the street.

Ironically this is the first day that I haven't felt nauseous since going on BCP in October, now I feel that sick to my stomach dread feeling.

Being the tragic that I am I have just scoffed half a pineapple and have the other half for tomorrow. Even if it doesn't help implantation at least it was delicious.

I'm off for my acupuncture and herbs now.

Perhaps I should roll around naked in baby dust when I get home.

21

2005-12-07T16:14:00.000+11:00

21 eggs retrieved. Feeling pretty sore and a bit nauseous.
I'll know more tomorrow afternoon when we find out how many fertilized and when transfer will be.

Here we go again

2005-12-05T13:52:00.000+11:00

At 7.00 tonight. Pick up at 7.00am on Wednesday.

Not a moment too soon, I feel like a stuffed sausage.

Latest

2005-12-03T14:48:00.000+11:00

Had another scan today and this time there are 10 follices in each ovary. I ring on Monday to find out when to trigger and have dropped the Gonal down to 112. I hope I trigger that night as I'm very uncomfortable and woke up a couple of times last night with pain in the ovaries. Also I feel very bloated and most of my clothes are tight now. I look down in horror at my thunder thighs. Any jarring movement when I walk is also uncomfortable.

I keep vaguing out and forgetting things. It's a bad case of Gonal brain.

J and I are still laughing about the comment yesterday.

Eeeeewh!!!

2005-12-02T14:06:00.000+11:00

Remember this gosshead (scroll down to "personal attack at photocopier") well today we were in a planning meeting and I had to confess that I wouldn't be at the following two next week as I was going to be away a few days. I said minor operation but not sure how long I would be away. After the meeting she pulled me aside and aked me if I was being inseminated. I was taken aback because:
a) She is not suppose to know about any of this stuff, so someone's blabbed.
b) I didn't even want to tell her I would be away, but felt obliged to as we are planning massive changes for next year. I was just being polite.
c) WTF is that anyway? It sounds like a farmer talking about his bull and cows.

Next time I"ll just let the timetabler know I'm out and pretend it was a sudden virus or something.

I was so flabbergastred that I lied and said no, it's nothing and walked off. At least J and I have got some laughs out of it and will now probably use the term to refer to ER.

What's the worst thing someone's said to you about IF, ART etc?

Stats.

2005-12-01T08:15:00.000+11:00

I don't have many stats. to report, in fact I feel a little bit left out. The clinic I go to doesn't appear to do blood tests during stims, at least I've never had one.

I can report that at the muff wanding this morning there were 8 follicles in each ovary. They are still small, although they feel bigger and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. I stay on the 225 of Gonal-F and go back for a scan on Saturday morning before work. Interesting thing is that I maintain the dosage, often I have to start dropping back by now. I think this may be the difference between when I have done flare cycles and down reg. cycles, this is the longest down reg. I've done. My Dr said that I'm on track and he won't increase the dosage as I'll go "Kaboom!!" (his words), always mindful of the OHSS.

I'll update again on Saturday when I know more.

All Quiet on the Western Front

2005-11-24T09:25:00.000+11:00

Probably make that the Southern region. Cooter scan this morning and everything is quiet. I Start Gonal-F tonight (225). I have a scan next Thursday, after discussing with my Dr the lack of OHSS, he has decided I don't need a scan every second day. This takes a lot of pressure off, less racing into the city and then out again to get to work.

They have a new system where we pick up our meds at the chemist in the hospital. Nurse Vague told me to put everything in the fridge even the crinoline gel. The Pharmacist told me to put everything in the fridge except the gel. This is the first time I've been told to put the Gonal in the fridge. Also the pharmacist told me to throw the needles in the bin as I didn't get given a sharps container. This sounds a bit wrong so I'll save them in a glass jar and then put them in Dad's (diabetic).

It was a relief to get off the pill as the constant nausea was horrible. The Syneral has been giving me some terrific hot flushes, I could be used to decorate a Christmas tree with my glowing rosacea. I've had a few night sweats and woke up swearing the other night trying to get the ants of me. The ants turned out to be sweat, so I'm glad to be going on the Gonal.

Now I just need to get my reports out of the way so I can recover from ER watching DVD's.

It's pretty much back to normal transmission after the wobbly I threw last week. I'm also going back for some hypnotherapy after work this afternoon and will listen to my Anji CD's. Basically all the usual relaxing stuff I do. It's funny when someone tells me to relax I suddenly feel stressed.

Some good news that I forgot about last week. I love entering competitions and last week I won a Creative Zen MP3 player. J has been very insistent about getting my country music onto it. He must be sick of all "the chickens are a laying......" which he believes are the words to every song.

I am grateful, but not for arsevice.

2005-11-16T16:37:00.000+11:00

I am grateful for all that I have. My husband, our marriage, our life together(For most of my life I was single, I adore J). I'm also grateful for my family, friends, especially the hens, the money we earn, my dogs and things in general.I don't see, however, that these should some how, cancel out the grief and utter despair that I feel at times.

I grieve for my miscarried baby, I grieve for my fertility that has a finite time, I grieve for the 16 embryos we have transferred and most of all I grieve for the person I used to be. That naive person who knew nothing about IF, the mental, emotional,physical and financial burden. I have changed and I can't see anyway of going back. I wouldn't dream of putting a time frame on someone else's grief. To tell me that it's just my attitude that needs changing is to trivialise what I'm feeling and what I've been through.

Lately I've been pretty good, although I admit I have this bitchy, cycnical streak in me now. Lately I've been coping. Not today as this was the topic of conversation at work. I ended up a bawling mess and had to lie all day to people and say I had hayfever. This is not that far from the truth as the Syneral is giving me the hot wire down the sinus kind of pain.

While I'm at it, this will be my 6th IVF cycle and I did the following before, during and after each cycle, positive thinking, visualisation, the Anji CD's for IVF, meditation every morning, hypnotheraphy and mantras. I even believed the hypnotherapist when she said that I must be blocking that's why it won't work. So to say that I'm not thinking positively enough makes me feel like a total failure. It also frustrates me, makes me angry, upsets me. My Dr can't explain why the embryos don't implant , in fact no one in the IF medical field seems to be able to. I dream of the day that transfer can be the same as implantation. I now try to think realistically, no one can guarantee that this cycle will be a success, so I do have doubts and worries.

Yes in the past months I have felt dead inside, but that has gradually been changing. I'm not quite ready to give up IVF and will cope as best I can with the ups and downs. That sometimes means that I will be a mess, especially after a failed fresh cycle.

No my husband and I won't" just adopt". We have discussed life after IVF and it will be childfree. To me adoption would always be second best. This may sound harsh but at least I'm honest. I also don't feel a moral resposibility to adopt because we are infertile and there are orphans in the developing world. Why should that moral responsibility rest with us. I'm not slagging off any other bloggers who have decided to adopt. I know that there are people who can't contemplate doing IVF or other ART procedures. Different scenarios suit different people.

Lastly stress and relaxing. We are going on long service leave next year. Amazingly enough I usually don't feel that stressed at work. Sometimes I do. This, however, is not the cause of our infertility. My age means I have less viable eggs. My husband has been diagnosed with sperm that has a zona binding problem, no amout of relaxing will magically let the sperm penetrate the ova, that's why we do ICSI. If you want confirmation of the amasingly sexist IF world we live in, then try and find some answers for it. The answer is to put the woman through the hormones and surgery. They don't know much about it and there is no cure.

So I have come to these conclusions:

1. I will say life is unfair and I don't care what any of the Dr Anthony Wayne Dwyer Robbins "gurus" say. Fuck 'em, I won't keep picking at the thought that I am responsible for the embryos not implanting.

2. I will grieve as much and as long as I bloody well like. In fact most of the time I'm tooling along in life ok, then out of the blue something triggers it off.

3. I will get through this, but I just need my friends around me to be there and not to offer arsevice. I have to handle this my own way and sometimes I go backwards for a while. Your being there is enough. It's actually good not to focus on IF, to drink, swear, gossip etc.

4. Sometimes IVF totally takes over my life, but not all the time. This is just how it is, I can be on hormones that are making me sick, I can have up to 3-4 scans in a week whilst stiming, I have minor surgery, transfers and the two week wait. J and I have to try and plan our lives around these things.

5. Yes I'm happy for your pregnancies and I love your children. Sometimes I just can't face things as it is a reminder of what J and I don't have and what I consider my biggest disappointment/failure in my life. When I take a step back this is when I'm feeling vulnerable and is for my protection.

6. My nature is not to confront people, but this had to come out. I don't want to lose friendships here, in particular the hens, I can't tell you how much support you have given me by just being there. This is the place where I feel safe to vent and express myself. In real life I break down in tears when I try to explain it to you. A thanks for the continued support and carrying me through the snowstorm at Hotham, Banana for the laughs, F as usual for that mixture of kindness and toughness, Babs for the walks and talks and Wal for being the best SIL on earth.

7. A I will be persoanlly offended if you don't complain to me about your fanny and the stitches after the big event in a few weeks time.

When I first started this I was sobbing so hard I thought I would vomit. I had a hypo, which I haven't had for a while. I feel much calmer now although a little apprehensive as once it's published that's it. Can I live with how things will fall? I haven't taken the advice of my mum, who always told me to walk my dogs and then make my decsions.

Edited to added a massive thank you to Tertia who responded to my e-mail when I was in a very bad way yesterday. Her words were kind and as usual made perfect sense. To paraphrase she pointed out that it is not ungrateful to want to have children something that millions of people take for granted everyday. The one thing I'm very grateful for is to have found the blogging world.

Am I setting myself up for a fall?

2005-11-04T20:40:00.000+11:00

I don't know what's happening lately, but apart from the constant nausea, I'm feeling fantastic emotionally and don't seem to be having the anger flashes. I keep thinking I'm heading for a fall, after all I turned 41 on Wednesday, I have millions of reports to write, lots of corrections before I can write the reports and numerous pregnancies around me. Not to mention a large IVF debt on my credit card that is hanging around after a few emergencies around the house. ( Large wattle tree in front yard falling, laundry taps refusing to turn off etc.)

I had my party on Melbourne Cup Day and even though J and I didn't sit down and it was 32 degrees, we had a great time. We cooked Sri Lankan curries, organised some cup sweeps and the hens and I got stuck into the champers. I laughed, bitched and swore with them like old times. We are such a clique sometimes that when we are at work the posters for the students that say everyone should be your friend could be aimed at us. Our sole purpose going to the staff end of year break up is because there is free beer and wine and last year there was lots of great bitching material gathered from it.

For the first time in ages I didn't back a winner on Cup Day. My horses didn't run, although it looks like they will both run in races on Stakes Day on Saturday at Flemmington. Unfortunately I have to work, so I can't go to see them.

J gave me a Sri Lankan cricket shirt, Nigella Lawson's "Feast" and a gift voucher for JB HiFi because I want to stock up on chick flicks and comedy for early December and ER recovery. I will definitely get a copy of "Persuasion" (BBC staring Amanda Root) , "Pride and Prejudice" and then may be some more "Little Britain".

I have been baking lately and taken some leftovers from my party into work. So far I have been asked for recipes for my banana cake with custard icing and my yoyo biscuits.

My mood seems to be linked to the rather long time this IVF cycle is taking. It just seems so far away, that I carry on drinking coffee and having a drink a couple of times a week. I also finally lost some of the Gonal-F fat and when I went to buy a skirt for my party, I had to get a size 6 in the petite range. Although I'm sure Cup Day and the leftovers have been ruining the initial loss.

May be I can't trust happiness any more. In the back of my mind, now and then, I think about the cycle failing. How will I drag myself up out of the depression that inevitably comes with it?

Protocol

2005-10-28T12:00:00.000+10:00

This seems to be taking forever. I rang the hospital today to get my protocol which is as follows:
Start Syneral, 11th Nov.
Stop taking the, pill 17th Nov.
First scan 24th Nov.

I'm going to be a couple of pills short so will have to get a new script, strangely there are a couple of pills in this packet that are crushed. All being well I pick up my Gonal-F after the scan. The pill is still making me nauseous, but so far I've only had a few headaches not any full on migraines. I've also been spotting, I don't remember this happening during my two previous down reg. cycles.

I can now obsessively add these dates to my diary and get a rough idea of ER, all being well. As we are winding down at work, it is not as stressful to leave classes. Then I can also count and check months in the hope that I will get pregnant, this is something I do every transfer. I also marked in the weeks when I was pregnant and then had to go back and scribble over them.

I have been up and down over the past two weeks. Some days have been really bad and I walk around work tearing up. On Tuesday F (Hen) came down with her baby, I was flat out , but also too teary to leave my office. She came and got me as I was going over to the staffroom to photocopy anyway. We chatted at the photocopier and pissed ourselves about a certain staff member who has taken it upon herself to be our "weight watcher". The latest bithcy comment was to my SIL a week after she had given birth "When are you due?". I could do a whole post on this cow. Any way I asked her if baby F was here and she said he was in the staffroom, so I said I would go and see him. F could see I was struggling and said I didn't have to, but I did and although I was too close to losing it to hold him, I'm glad I did go and see him. Every time I think about how kind F was to me I want to cry. I was ok enough to organise a massive Cocks and Hens for the last day of term at a bar in the city. Everyone is keen and organising baby sitters. These are usually blinders we go to a different venue each year, it's the best way to unwind from the school year. Even though I look forward to this, I would be happy to be not drinking because this latest cycle worked.

I also had my long service leave approved. Now J has to organise his and we have to decide where to go. Next year I teach for 6 weeks and then we start holidays that are at the same time as the Commonwealth Games. We both thought that getting out of Melbourne during this time would be a good idea. I don't go back to work until the start of July. I can pretend to be a lady of leisure for 18 weeks. I also keep imagining how fantastic my garden will be.

Next Step

2005-10-15T10:13:00.000+10:00

I got my period on Wednesday. It seems that I now have a 30 day cycle. The nurse said not to worry IVF often changes people's cycles. When I saw her for the blood test she had my protocol, except it didn't make sense as my Dr had ticked flare cycle and down reg. So she sent me over to his rooms. He saw me on the spot and we discussed the flare cycles in which I produce a lot of eggs and have some embryos to freeze and the the down reg. cycles first and third cycle ( 2nd cancelled due to OHSS risk) where I had less eggs and embryos, but got pregnant.

Actually I told my Dr this as he was still flicking through my file which I had brought with me. As it was 7.30 in the morning and I was rushing to get to work I was too impatient to wait for him to read through it. So we decided to try a down reg. again, even though the pill has some unpleasant side effects on me. I feel nausea, migraines and cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I've warned my husband to expect me to be a bit mental over the next couple of weeks. I don't feel as rushed with this protocol and wanted some change as the last two flare cycles had ended in zip. So here we go again, feeling like an IVF failure and another birthday coming up on the 2nd of November.

This week at work I finally put a letter in requesting long service leave. I've only ever taken 2 weeks for my honeymoon and have a stack saved up. I will take 2 term next year which will give me 18 weeks off work, this includes the school holidays. J also has long service leave and annual leave saved up. We can't decide where to go yet. I'm still leaning towards Sri Lanka although I was put off by Carl Muller's Colombo . There was some really vile things in it like pedophilia and ghastly crimes. J just said I told you so, he doesn't want to go back, and he doesn't trust the ceasefire between the Tamils and the Sinhalese. So we are still tossing around ideas, New Zealand appeals to both of us, I snowboarded there a few years ago and would love to go back and tour both islands. This is of course if I get my long service leave, it has to go through a committee for approval.

Due Date

2005-10-10T11:12:00.000+10:00

I'm just waiting for my period to show up it's day 28 of my cycle and I feel like it's about to arrive. Probably come tomorrow in the hopes of tricking me into doing another HPT. I did one 6 and 7 days past transfer, it's funny but the one line looked so pink and the other section so white, I didn't bother doing any others. I was also a complete bitch to J yesterday for the smallest things and I still feel bad about it today. Ever since we went on IVF I seem to have hormones going crazy even between stims, with no medication. It's probably just general pissed off stuff coming out.

Today was my due date. As I write that or think about it tears sting my eyes. I said to J last night that I still felt sad and feel weird thinking about the D and C and the foetus being left in a steel tray and thrown out. We had been at his cousin's G's for her birthday, her husband had bought her this tiny gold angel on a delicate chain to remember their baby that miscarried. G had put her cross in the babies coffin. Her mother said something to me a few weeks ago, that at least G had people that knew she was pregnant, at work as well as family. She said in a way it would be hard for me as it was 8 weeks and we hadn't told many people and you don't have that acknowledgement.

And of course a drive by today at Fertility Secondary College. Another new teacher pregnant.

Despite all that I have been reasonably ok today. I've had a few laughs with friends and have been distracted as I'm teaching most of today. Looking forward to pilates starting again tonight. I also lost 1 and 1/2 kilos last week. I'm not on a diet, but I'm conscious of the extra weight left behind from stims and if we stim again I don't want to add more weight on top of it.

Today I've been pushing a trolley around the school, full of kids projects they are doing in my geography classes. I look like one of those daggy teachers that always push trolleys rather than carry their books. I keep thinking I should be pushing a pram!!!

FET

2005-10-01T16:02:00.000+10:00

Had my FET today, two embryos, both thawed out perfectly. I felt slightly teary when I saw them on the screen as J had the biggest smile on his face. I so hope this works. No medication to take, we're just hoping nature takes its course. My Dr crossed his fingers for us as we walked out.

I was starving as the appointment was an hour and half late. I had decided not to eat lunch at work as I was feeling a little nervous and I can see the hospital from my family's shop. So afterwards I scoffed down a falafel and was eyeing off the baclavas but told myself I couldn't afford the calories. Not to mention the money as our hot water system went belly up on Thursday and we had a new one installed on Friday.

I'm back at work on Monday, which is probably a good thing to take my mind off this 2ww. I also probably shouldn't garden, I was lugging bags of pine chips around, weeding, pruning etc. all holidays. I'm very excited as my rose gardens are growing fast and I should have a good show for my Cup Day egg hopper and curries party. A bit of a dilemma though as it looks like two of our horses might line up for races on Melbourne Cup Day, not the big race, but I would love to go as our syndicate gets owners' tickets and it would mean a spot in the stands not in the general lawn area, which looks like a Bacchanalian orgy by 11:00 am. I'm not kidding there are people passed out, girls with their dresses over their heads, sunburnt and chucking up. The men are not much better, although usually aggressive as well. If you want a drink you have to line up for an hour to buy cheap sparkling that costs $6.00 a bottle in real life but $22.00 at the races. We also might have a horse run the weekend after the Cup at Stakes Day so I might go to that instead.

I hate this optimistic feeling at the start of a FET. I've tried to keep it away, but the weather is so good and there are the things, mentioned above, to look forward to.

I channeled ........

2005-09-26T16:31:00.000+10:00

..........Bree Van Der Kamp. Much to J's annoyance, that's what our brief holiday at my family's beach house consisted of me cleaning. We hardly get down there as I'm usually working at the weekends along with most of my family and at other times it's crowded and noisy and full of my cousins and their kids. My younger sister is the same, she can't stop cleaning when she gets there pissing off her husband and complaining about the state that relatives have left it in.

It wasn't all bad as we ran the dogs along the beach in the mornings. The Airedale loved it, he is partially blind and he loved being free to run, with nothing to crash into. The first afternoon we ate cheese, olives, etc and drank some sparkling red. J started to get a bit horny, so I went to make up the bed, only to find mouse poo on it. We would have come home, but both of us were a bit pissed so I had to start cleaning. It was the quickest mood killer as I continued that day and the next. Our next holiday is going to be one where we just do nothing but laze around on a beach interstate somewhere.

During my first week of holidays I've binged on coffee, chocolate, alcohol, rich cheeses and sugary things. I haven't taken my Chinese herbs and have done virtually no exercise. I feel quite cynical and keep telling myself fuck it, eat what you want and enjoy yourself a bit, nothing's worked so far any way. I'm also really wary of those strict cut everything out of your diet regimes. I was a vegetarian for 23 years and started eating fish a little over a year ago. I feel however that I'm trapped, I often get iron deficient and feel I should eat meat but can't bring myself to do it, so I supplement instead.

Had a scan today and it looks like I will have a FET sometime towards the end of the week. It's our last two embryos. I don't want to think too far ahead, at the moment I'm still testing for the surge and as I said before quite cynical, sarcastic and angry about nothing and everything.

Questions

2005-09-15T10:17:00.000+10:00

Q. When is implantation cramping and spotting not implantation?

A. When your period arrives 5 days later. (Boom Boom)

Q. Since when has dog training turned into a fertility festival?

A. Obviously it changed when J and I spent the last 3-4 weekends doing normal stuff like attending one million kids' birthday parties and having the odd quick transfer here and there.
This is how it panned out. Think about masstiff's owner and decide she must be having baby and won't turn up. She turns up 8 months gone. Wonder if border collies owner will be there, of course and not only that but she is now 4 months pregnant. Then Maltese x owner turns up, haven't seen her for ages. Trainer introduces her to class for people who don't know her and says she has 3 dogs and a son. She then announces to everyone that she has another on the way, even though her stomach is as flat as a pancake. J and I stand off to the side, he comments that we have just been ambushed. Thank God king Charles cavilier's owner is not here, she's gone away to recover from another failed ivf. Me I'm just generally pissed off and Big Leo, my normally social butterfly Airedale thinks it's funny to antagonise other dogs until they snap and want to rumble with him. I must have channeled by mood through him.

Q. When did our school change it's name to fertility high, bar one?

A. When another teacher is pregnant after only working here for 10 weeks. (That's 3 at school and 2 on maternity leave, and me feeling like the dunce.)

One more day and on holidays, intend to do following, eat chocolate, drink red wine, read, do all the heavy weeding and gardening work I was avoiding in case I was pregnant ( that's a good one), phaff around, spring clean, plan birthday bash for Cup Day, attend races with syndicate group and drop a whole lot of money on the GG's. (After all apparently we are flushing it down the loo with ivf, so I might as well have a chance of winning something). Get a massage or two, go away to the beach for a few days. Will post again when know FET.

Sunday's FET

2005-09-05T13:10:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I had my FET. We were early for the appointment ( I'm early to everything and then get annoyed at having to wait around), this time it paid off, the couple before were a "no show"??, so we went in before our appointment time.

This was a prime example of how IVF can go from bad to good or vice versa in a matter of minutes. The Dr informed us that the two embryos had thawed out, but were only two cells. I felt defeated before I had even jumped up into the stirrups. Then the embryologist showed us them on the screen and exclaimed that one was now 4 cells. I felt a little bit better. It was the quickest transfer I've had and the 7th. Now I'm trying to forget about it. To help we went to see Kung Fu Hustle straight after it. I felt like a normal person going to the movies not thinking about IF stuff. We both realised how little we seem to do as we are always caught up in IVF planning, disappointments, hope and general IF stuff.

Spring

2005-09-03T04:31:00.000+10:00

Well J's party went well. Although we were exhausted as we had his family for lunch and mine for dinner. Our house is just a little bit small to have everyone over at the same time. The weather was 23 and a north wind, so it was as if spring had come early. It felt like Spring Racing Carnival, except my roses aren't out yet, so I had 2 glasses of bubbly. I poured a third but spilt it in the kitchen and decided that was it. I cooked chocolate cake, orange and poppy seed cake and cup cakes for the kids, along with some curries.

G came, J's cousin, I rang her during the week and she wasn't sure if she could cope. She wanted to know if my SIL would be there and her baby. (My SIL and I are married to Sri Lankan Burgher brothers, G's cousins). I found out that they were and she wasn't sure if she could cope, I said we totally understood etc. Anyway she came and I could see she was battling to keep it together. They looked shell shocked, like they couldn't quite believe this terrible event had happened to them. Also at one stage my BIL wouldn't stop talking about the birth, baby etc. J wanted to say something to him on the quiet, but couldn't get him aside. We knew he would have been mortified, but he was so excited he didn't look at G's face. It's very hard, they shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells, but I was dying for G.

J got a few presents from me; some new jeans, a voucher for a reflexology session, a watch and I got a brazilian done ( after over a year of being natural down stairs, I'm a little bit embarrassed about my transfer which will hopefully be sometime this week or next).

I also won the footy tipping competition at the family business, this was because I didn't tip my team Carlton. They finished last on the ladder only the second time in their 140 year history. I'm going to use the $200 for a facial and a pedicure.

Transfer news: Sunday is transfer day. I just got home from work (Saturday) and I'm a little bit on edge hoping that our embryos thaw out. Also I've been pretty upset as we had J's granma's funeral yesterday. I get quite emotional about things easily, especially these days. Although I did manage to nurse baby F at the wake (SIL and BIL's new baby) with out breaking down.

Day 10

2005-08-26T11:04:00.000+10:00

Had a scan today in preparation for the FET. J came with me because he was working in the city today and he needed to catch the train. I told him I had a lot of questions to ask, so as soon as my Dr walked in he told him. Then I forgot most of the questions. This is what I remember, lining is 9mm thick, firing off right ovary and no he didn't think our embryos were crap.

So it's the same old frustration, can see myself ovulating, but know in our case it means squat. Just waiting for the surge now, I expect it to be later as my normal 28 day cycle is usually longer after stims.

A bit of a dilemma as J turns 35 on the weekend and we are having his cousins over for lunch. I really wouldn't mind a few reds on Sunday, but it's getting close to the FET and I don't want to ruin my chances. Even a beer would go down well as we are having Sri Lankan food and I love my chili. I'll have to play it by ear. I also feel a little uncomfortable drinking in front of my MIL in case she thinks I'm ruining my fertility or something.

Will Power (Not)

2005-08-21T15:55:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was a bad day. I went to work for my parents and then after work went to the hairdressers. According to my card the last time I went was in March to have my hair coloured. My natural colour is mouse, which is not too bad as I'm 40 and there is no sign of grey. This is the same with my dad and I remember my Nana having mouse and no grey either. Any way an SMS comes in from one of the hen's as she is leaving hospital my SIL goes in and has a baby boy. All I can think of is how wonderful for them they get to have babies together and I should be part of their club, I would have been 7 months pregnant. I panic and ring J and some how manage to keep it together, sit through the hairdressers and get home. Walk in the door and have a massive nervy B. Tell J he is better off without me because I'm a negative bitch and can't feel happy for them as I'm focusing on my loss and lack of. I bawl uncontrollably for one hour in fetal position. Tell him that there is too much pain and suffering in the world and I can't see the point any longer. I tell him he is one of the lucky ones because he can keep going. I can't even watch the news at the moment without feeling sad. After the dramatics I felt much better. J reminded me that I have hormones coursing through my body and I hadn't slept properly for 4 nights because of period pains and a headache.

Today it was my Nephew's birthday. In the morning I quickly went to Fatland (the nearby shopping centre, so named as the odd occasion that I go people seem to walk around stuffing hot chips and other junk food in their faces). I went into a baby clothing store, at first everything was aok, I got some gorgeous clothes for my SIL's new baby. But this is weird I get to the counter and start to pay and the girl asks if I want their catalogue mailed to me. I politely decline but spend the next few minutes biting back tears and willing her to hurry up. WTF? Is it because I probably will never need their fucking catalogue? Oh no wait, I probably will as everyone around me gets knocked up in 5 seconds flat. God could you imagine that turning up every month along with the BFN?

Came home recovered slightly and went to my nephew's birthday. So cuuutte. He had a pirate theme. He loved the collection of plastic animals I got him. However, it was all too much and I said to J, I need to have a couple of reds. So I did. I had two over the 3 hours and it numbed the pain. My ute also demanded a piece of birthday cake, chocolate and white chocolate mud cake, so I gave in to it. Also gave my cousin, who just turned 39, my Dr's card as she is TTC and it's not happening. J said afterwards why did you do that, she will go and it will work and we will still be left behind. We base this on my SIL's sister (3 years TTC and various IUI's and Gift, with another DR, they switched to mine when I got pregnant and now are pregnant with twins).

The reds more or less worked as we went to the hospital afterwards and see my SIL and her baby. Although I couldn't hold him and blinked back tears when I first saw him. He looked so tiny and perfect. I tried to get in close to smell him, but my sense of smell is terrible and it was no use. On the way out, I started weeping again. I said to J we seriously need to discuss plan B, that is a life without having children. Neither of us want to adopt, it's basically our own biological children or none. This may sound harsh, but that's what we have decided and the only alternative we feel we can go with. J broke my heart because he said that it was him who was the dud and I started crying again. I told him that I love him so much and I'm so blessed to be married to him. So that was my weekend, a familiar pattern. Have my nervy B's, so I can resemble a relatively normal human being, looking after other people's children during the week. Now I just have to get through a mass hens visit to F's new baby after work on Monday. God IF totally does my head in.

PS: The clinic, God bless them, allowed me to get my blood test on Saturday, as I had to get into the inner city for work on Saturday and there is not much traffic. I was due for the blood test Monday and it saved me having to go through peak hour traffic.

All Over (Again)

2005-08-18T08:32:00.000+10:00

I got my period yesterday. I knew it was coming as a few days before I could finally read the signs. Before that I was unsure as the progesterone gel was giving me sore boobs among other things. Also my stomach was still swollen until a couple of days ago, so I couldn't feel my body. I've been a bit teary, but not as bad as before, probably because we have insurance, 4 embryos. I know I've said it before, but I actually prefer FETs as I don't have to go on any hormones.

It is hard emotionally as a friend went into labour yesterday and my SIL is due in two weeks. I'm only just keeping it together sometimes at work. The wanting to cry feeling comes and goes. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go any where near babies at the moment, I don't want to breakdown at the hospital or even at her house. It is just too humiliating. I'm preparing myself for my gorgeous nephew's 2 year old birthday party on Sunday.

I've decided not to eat chocolate, drink coffee or alcohol. I usually have a short break and then go off them again for a FET. This time I'll skip the headaches and stay off them. I have to keep reminding myself that this has worked once before. Yesterday a friend at work asked me how I was going and I only just held it together and told her that I didn't think it would work in the future and I said the mental, emotional, physical and financial toll is becoming too great. She is always optimistic and positive and I owe her a lot. When I came out of my shell,she acted like a catalyst for me to change my life ( but that's another post for the future). She's also pregnant and like all my family and friends it happened within months of trying.

Also on a sad note my MIL, SIL and I were all crying on the weekend. J's cousin G, I mentioned her in a previous post lost her baby at 4 months. They have found out that she has an incompetent cervix. J and I also felt guilty as I was jealous of her and when she fell pregnant, 3 months after going off the pill, J said everything in her life has always been easy. Just goes to show how fucking random and unfair life can be. It pisses me off and scares me when good people have these things happen to them. I hope this post is not too negative, thanks for the support.

News

2005-08-08T07:10:00.000+10:00

I had my transfer yesterday Sunday and I'm quite happy with the results. I spent Friday and Saturday feeling nauseous and bloated and thinking it was OHSS beginning. I told J I was going to lie about the symptoms to get a fresh transfer done. As it turned out the nausea went away on Sunday along with some of the bloating and now I'm only a little bit sore, like I have just played a game of netball or basketball after a few weeks off.

We got 10 or 11 mature eggs out of the 19, I can't remember which. Out of that we have 6 very good embryos. So yesterday we had 2 put back, then I spent the day at South Bank. We met J's brother and SIL, who I work with. We ate lunch and then went to see our MIL in the Millennium Choir. There were lots of different acts on and it was a welcome distraction. Then we went straight to my parents' house for more food and my fix of nephews M and baby G. Every week thet get cuter.

My Dr rang me on Saturday night to see how I was. He was worried I was hyper again and also because it was Sunday he told me he wouldn't be doing the transfer. I already knew this as the nurse told me, so it was nice of him to ring. He also told me I did well and how much he hopes this will work. He's so kind that I feel like crying when he rings. The Dr filling in also carefully questioned me about OHSS and thinks that the bloating is normal after that many eggs. He also remembered me from my first transfer when my Dr was on holidays. This prompted immature foulness from me when I left the hospital, telling J he never forgets a muff he's met.

One weird thing was the couple having the transfer before us. The women was so skinny with the tightest jeans on. I was complaining afterwards to J how anyone can be so thin after stims. I seem to blow up like a puffer fish. I can only fit into a few items in my wardrobe at the moment. I'm meant to be weighing myself every day but can't bear to. I'm pretty sure I won't go OHSS.

My SIL and I were gossiping about work as she is now on maternity leave. She said one of the teachers we are friends with asked if he could take photos of her and F ( another hen) pregnant. My SIL was embarrassed and said not in the nude,in fact she doesn't want her photo taken with her clothes on ( now's the time to mention that my SIL is absolutely stunning and the nicest person.). He said they could wear a bra and cover their vaginas. I couldn't stop pissing myself laughing. We kept carrying on that he had used the V word, and why doesn't he get his own wife knocked up and take pervy pictures of her. This is the same friend who had a wedding that was 2 vows long, in a park, we all had to bring our own booze and multicultural food to share, it was 40 degrees and the vows ended with we know you will take your rubbish home with you. He kept coming up to my SIL and I telling us to bring Sri Lankan picnic food to it. What Sri Lankan Picnic food?? The whole day all us hens were worried about salmonella food poisoning. After a couple of hours I spat the dummy and said I was over it. Everyone came back to my house and had showers ( it was a dusty park) and we kept boozing and eating.

That's it for the moment. I have just ignored all my work so I could blog. I've got the 2 week wait now and 6 week wait until holidays. It's good to have some embryo insurance in the bank although I know that's not a always a guarantee after the last three went belly up.

Numbers

2005-08-05T15:39:00.000+10:00

Thanks for the well wishes everyone.

The anesthetic hadn't kicked in and the nurses were pulling me down to the end of the table. When the sheet fell off my right leg the nurse asked me about the particularly nasty scratch on my right leg. I told her it was a 3 month old spider bite and then fell asleep. J said both nurses and the anesthetist all came and had a look at it. Luckily I had my legs waxed on Monday. I didn't think it was that bad there's hardly a hole there any more. Apparently before I went under J said I told the nurse it was a white tailed spider bite, which I don't remember saying and have no idea what kind of spider bit me. When I woke up in recovery I thought they hadn't done the retrieval, it always seems so quick. This time I had to have some pain killers as my left side was caning. So at the moment I feel a little sore and tired. Otherwise I'm pretty happy.

They retrieved 19 eggs, which means they won't cancel a fresh transfer. They do that if you are 20 or over, like last time. So now I wait with baited breath to see what we will end up with for transfer on Sunday.

Thanks again everyone's support has been fantastic.

Details

2005-08-03T16:01:00.000+10:00

I trigger tonight at 7.00. This is very convenient as I don't have to miss my yoga nidra class. My teacher holds them once a month and they are fantastic for coping with IVF stuff. I'm in hospital at 7.15am on Friday. It's also good as I miss only one day of work. Although I'm not going to work for my parents on Saturday, they won't let me. Instead I'll go to acupuncture. I hope we get a good crop. I'm a little apprehensive and scared, especially since we lost the last 3 embryos in the thaw. I also want to do a fresh transfer as we have only ever done one before.

I was reading Panda's blog before and it reminded me of how ironic life can be. When I met J he asked me to marry him after 20 days, we kept it quiet for about 5 weeks before announcing it. A few of the bitches at work started spreading rumours that I must be pregnant. So weird how life works out sometimes.

Updatearama

2005-08-01T11:17:00.000+10:00

Had a scan Friday and everything is on track. Had a scan today and again everything looks fine. Saw my Dr at 7.00am bless him, I still had time to see the nurses, race my trigger home to the fridge and get to school 30 minutes before the bell. It looks like I have 14 to 15 and he is hoping I don't repeat last pick up where I mysteriously produced 26 after he scanned and only saw 16. So the nurse will ring me tomorrow to let me know if it is on Thursday or Friday.

Feeling a bit bloaty, but not too uncomfortable at the moment. Very thirsty and have been taking a water bottle to class with me. Also because last week I had a sore throat and cough and had to have water to stop myself choking to death in front of the students. By Friday morning I had a dirty telephone type voice, by the afternoon I had no voice at all. That's almost cleared up, which means I can go under, no worries.

Speaking of which I think I'm becoming addicted to going under. I love the feeling just as the anesthetic takes affect. It's as if you have no problems, a brief holiday form IVF and IF.

On Saturday J went for his first acupuncture visit. I got home from work and asked him how he went. He claimed that his hand was swollen and the needles hurt especially the one in his stomach. You can probably guess there wasn't much sympathy from me on that one. I just laughed and told him he must have needed the acupuncture really badly for his body to react like that.

I didn't think I would be doing this again.

2005-07-24T16:17:00.000+10:00

IVF number 5 is about to start. When we got 7 embryos last time I thought that would be the end of stims, surely one would take. So I go into this next cycle even less optimistic (if that's at all possible) and 4 months older.

Period arrived on time as usual. I start sniffing Synarel tomorrow and Gonal-F injections begin on Wednesday. Still seeing my hypnotherapist and had my first appointment on Friday with an acupuncturist who specialises in infertility and has IVF patients. Have put my foot down with J, he has had no alcohol since last weekend and will not have any until after pick up. If I can't drink, he can't drink. He is also going to see the acupuncturist next week. He hasn't tried anything different for any of the IVF's, so it will be interesting to see if we get a better result.

On Friday I went walking before work with a couple of the hens. I had my pedometer on and kept it on all day as we walked to the local aths ground and back to school with the kids. Also I was running around doing judging for the races so I was curious to see how many steps I clocked up. The last time I checked before I left school I had over 14,000 steps. Being a bit obsessive and wanting to see how many more I could clock I had it on when I went to the toilet at the acupunturists'. It fell into the toilet as I pulled my traky dacs down. I had to fish it out, yuk, it's completely ruined. For some reason I was more worried about the really loud splash it made when it hit the water, I kept thinking she must have heard and would think I was taking a dump. I'm one of those people who virtually constipates themselves rather than take a dump in a public toilet, at work etc. What if destroy the toilet? It took me weeks before I could go at J's when we first met. Is anyone else like this or is it just me?

Not So Bad

2005-07-15T11:53:00.000+10:00

Well we went to the birthday party, half and hour after receiving the news on Sunday. Timing universe, fucking timing!

My Sil, bless her, is the best fertile friend an infertile can have. I told her what happened, we both blinked away tears. She had a bottle of red and we quickly hoed in. She rested her glass on her very pregnant stomach and I kept going and ended up drinking 3. For me that's quite a lot. We then ate lots of curry.

There was another pregnant woman at the party, I know from J's cousin that she has been on IVF. She came up to us at the party and immediately asked if we had kids. Then said don't worry about it, it took us 10 years. It was so awkward, I didn't really know what to say besides "no" and neither did J. Granted she doesn't know our story, but I can't imagine doing that to anyone. J went right off when we got in the car to go home. He was annoyed with her because she continually rubbed her stomach, all night, sitting or standing etc.

The thing that made me cry on the way home was all the beautiful Burgher children. I want my own caffe latte coloured child. One of the babies was 6 months old with big green eyes, I wanted to hold him, but didn't trust myself to hold it together if I did.

J was at his cousin's (S's) house on Tuesday and she said her pregnant friend was actually mortified with what she had said to us. J told S what had happened before we came and she was upset. You see S is one of those ivf urban legends, she went through it and many years of infertility and stopped and conceived naturally. She understands what it's like and she said she was driven mad by children's birthday parties and certain relatives thrusting babies into her arms. She doesn't speak to some people any more after dealing with IF.

On an IVF note, I'm just waiting for my period. Then flare cycle, which I prefer, no BCP. Also trying to track down an acupunturist who knows about ivf ( Thanks for your help Lili).

School note, my new classes this semester are dream boats. Two are advanced learners and the other class is very calm. No big discipline issues, so I haven't had to do my nut at them. Yesterday one of the senoir students flashed his bum at the rest of the students in the senoir centre. How he thought we wouldn't see is beyond me, we call our office the fishbowl. It's kind of funny now, although he is suspended for his efforts.

Jinx

2005-07-10T15:18:00.000+10:00

I rang to get my FET time today and the nurse said 2.15 on Monday. This suited me fine as it's first day back at school and it meant I could orgnise my classes for the afternoon. We don't usually get our timetable until we get back so I have no idea when my classes are tomorrow.

After getting off the phone I said to J we have been lucky so far that all our embryos have thawed out for FETS. Just over an hour later the nurse rang back with bad news. None of the last 3 embryos survived the thaw.

Is it too much to ask for one little fertiltiy break from the universe? Now I'm about to go J's cousin's daughter's 2nd birthday party. It will be a big reminder about how barren we are and I have to try to stop crying. I just feel like going to bed, curling up and dying.

This sums things up beautifully

2005-07-06T15:28:00.000+10:00

I always look forward to picking up a copy of the support newsletter from my IVF clinic. I haven't joined the mailing list, some how I just can't bring myself to sign up. Luckily they have copies of it in the waiting rooms and you can just grab one on an appointment. The one that came out a few months ago had a great quote in it. I thought I would share it as some of my good friends read my blog and I don't think I always express myself that well in words.

"While a woman is actively undergoing treatment, or even in the spells between cycles, the desire to get pregnant becomes the central focus. The experience of treatment becomes a paradox. One can hardly bear to be in treatment because it necessitates risks, and entails the possibility of failure. Conversely, being off treatment is equally unbearable because there is no hope of pregnancy. At times, we cannot live with treatment and we cannot live without it. The significant factor is that treatment and pregnancy are uppermost in our consciousness, they pervade our being." ('Patient Stories, personal experience of IVF', published by IVF Friends Inc.)

I would actually go on to add that IF tinges everything in my life with sadness, anger, frustration, grieving and desperation.

I had the scan on Monday and asked my Dr if there was anything else I could do. I told him I cut out alcohol, coffee, chocolate during FETs. I asked him about baby aspirin, it seems to be popular in the US. He said it wasn't a good idea and may even be harmful. It's just so frustrating and annoying. There has to be something else I can do for implantation.

Nothing Much to report

2005-07-03T13:25:00.000+10:00

On holidays, nothing much to report. I have a scan tomorrow ( Monday) at 7.30 am, as usual everything will be ready to go for a FET. But there is no answer to why won't they implant.
Had a small nervy B last night, found it difficult to eat Friday and then yesterday. J cooked me an omlette last night and I finally ate.
Tuesday a hens' luncheon. Love these, but 3 hens are pregnant and my mind obsesses over why I'm not, why did I miscarry, annoying loop etc..

Here is a picture of our dogs. Leo is the Airedale and Lucy the Beagle x Cavalier. Super cute! Behind them is one of the holes they have dug in the lawn.

Painters are in

2005-06-26T09:10:00.000+10:00

Quick update. I got my period yesterday, it was no surprise as I had all the signs. After working for my parents we went to my cousin's engagement party. J drove so I got pissed on a glass of champange and two reds.

It's been a massively stressful week at work. I want to resign, but I'm still paying off medical bills and now will have another bill for this month's thaw cycle. Also we are down to 3 embryos and the spectre of going through stims and the associated cost is now in the back of my mind.

Didn't even cry this time, just feel angry,cynical, pissed off and sad. At least I'm on holidays now.

Thanks for all the support in the comments it keeps me going through all this. I think I'll go and stare at the positive HTP's I kept from my third transfer. Try to tell myself it is possible again.

6th Transfer

2005-06-11T16:34:00.000+10:00

I had a scan on Wednesday and as usual everything was on track, lining ok, ovary about to fire off. I had a blood test on Friday morning and the LH surge that night. So transfer is on Tuesday, I don't know what time yet, I'll find out on Monday. I've really felt this ovulation, twinges and a bit of pain in my ovaries, hope this is a good sign. J and I don't worry if we do it or not around now as I think we are both resigned to the fact that conceiving naturally is not going to happen. Still it would be nice to be like fertiles and get pregnant from a good root.

We're putting back two, my Dr thought this was a good idea. Usually he tries to persuade us to only put back one.

Another two week wait. A consolation is that I'll find out the results in the holidays, so if it's bad I'll have nearly two weeks to cope. That means time to garden, walk the dogs, sleep in, read and all those other nice things.

And another pregnancy announcement at work. One of the teachers I'm close with told me so I'm not surprised by it. The teacher that is pregnant is around my age and was looking at starting IVF as she had endo but has conceived naturally at the eleventh hour. I complained to J and he said it's just because we're trying that it seems everyone else is getting pregnant. But it's not my imagination. I've taught at the school for 15 years and it's only the last two that anyone has been pregnant. I'm grateful to the teacher that told me. She is so lovely, when I had my miscarriage she gave me some earrings and a beautiful card that made me cry.

I was suppose to be writing reports yesterday as we had the day off school to do it. Instead I checked stacks of blogs and cooked raspberry and white chocolate muffins. I so hope I get pregnant this round, otherwise I'll have to double my walking to get get the kilos off. I have also been drinking Guiness purely for the iron content, but have stopped the last couple of days as I want to avoid alcohol.

Also have a new hypnotherapist who has worked with IVF's and IF's before so it was a relief to not have to explain everything to her. My last Hypnotherapist was unreliable, she cancelled two appointments and then was moving house so not seeing anyone for two weeks. I really liked the session with my new hypno and she did babble on about past lives stopping me getting pregnant.

Back in time

2005-06-04T18:11:00.000+10:00

I was reading the comments on someone's blog the other day and it took me back to the time where I had these idealistic beliefs about getting knocked up. After all I was a yoga/fitness devotee, vegetarian, never have need to go to the doctor kind of a chic. I also had fertile friends and sister and was convinced I would be joining them in pregnancy. It was only a matter of months. Add to that my mother who began having kids at 30 to produce 4 of us and my Nana having her last child in her 40's.

A month before our wedding J and I had a fight because I wanted to start trying immediately for a baby ( conscious of my age 38 and the bloom of youth fading ( Jane Austen ?)). He thought that it wasn't right for me to be pregnant at our wedding. Eventually he agreed to forgo the condoms and I remember asking the hens if I would be bloated at the wedding if I was one month pregnant. WTF? I just reminded J of this and we started laughing (cynically).

Then I was convinced we would conceive a honeymoon baby in Tasmania. Even though we went at it like rabbits, it was a BFN.

No need to follow my Sri Lankan MIL's advice to let the milk boil over in our new house for fertility.

Then I gave myself 6 months.

I did shoulder stands after sex or at least elevated my legs.

I tracked my mucus.

I stopped having the occassoinal red wine and definitely no cocks and hens piss ons.

Then the doubts and panic started to creep in.

I went to a specialist. Numerous tests, still no answer. She suggested an ultra sound which showed a polyp. This led to a hysteroscopy, polyp removed, D and C, and everyone including me believing that I would now get pregnant. Friends had stories about friends who had one and were pregnant the next month, "cleaned out, you'll see".

Still nothing. Lots of assvice from friends telling me to relax.

We went on a blissful golfing holiday next to the Murray river. Still no pregnancy.

Then my doctor ran out of ideas. She put me on Clomid, even though I ovulated reguarly and there was no reason for not conceiving. She sent me to my current Dr. He looked at my file and said there is not reason why you shouldn't be pregnant. There was only one more test to do. I resigned myself to more procedures. But it was the zona binding test and J had to take it. His one and only sperm test before that he had passed with flying colours. When he got the results my heart broke. We had an answer but, I could see how upset he was. Men equate anything like this with an attack on their virility or manliness, which of course it isn't. It still breaks my heart. Their isn't a nasty bone in his body, I see him playing with our nephews and I see such a good father. It's all so bitter sweet. I only gained enough self esteem later in life to meet someone and I'm so grateful to have met J. I never particularly wanted a career, especially in teaching, and now that I have found someone to share my life with and have children it seems to be out of reach.

I was convinced that the first IVF would work, no worries. Now i just hope we can keep throwing money at more tries and I have the stamina to keep going.

I think about our discussions about house payments and how we would pay bills when I went on maternity leave. We rarely have these discussions now. Instead they are about the IVF bills, the stress and depression I battle. My feeling of running out of time, my age doesn't help all this.

I clicked on my wedding photos on my laptop the other day. It seemed preferable to writing my students reports. I found a picture of me, surrounded by the hens, the Yarra River in the background, we are all laughing, we are all a bit tipsy. I think back to that day the happiest day of my life and the best thing I have ever done. I want to recapture that happy, carefree, easy-going person. But I know she's gone forever. In her place is a bitter, sad person, who puts a mask on to face the world each day. Last week my Year 12 ESL students did their oral presentations, they were so good, their English was amazing. I kept praising them. One of my students turned to me and said "You are so happy today, what has happened?". I said to him yes I have been a bit sad lately, but I'm so impressed with everyone. Even when I have these fleeting moments of happiness the sadness comes back. I wonder if I'll ever be free of it?

5th Transfer some time next month

2005-05-31T14:21:00.000+10:00

My Dr rang me last night and said he was sorry to hear the news. He said did I want to try again this cycle and I said yes. I told him I thought it was a numbers game and he agreed with me. The more transfers the more chance of getting pregnant. He also repeated that because I got pregnant in the past, he thinks it's possible again.
So a blood test tomorrow which I know the result of already and more waiting and whiz tests to detect ovulation.
Also it means my Beta will be due in my holidays so I get to relax a week or two after transfer.

Everything goes wrong and a stealthy pregnancy announcement to boot.

2005-05-29T12:13:00.000+10:00

Warning major whine coming up.

I feel like I have a sign on my forehead saying loser. On Thursday I knew it was all over. Another HPT in the morning with no double line and none of the strong indicators as last time. I broke down on Thursday night in the kitchen and we had a bit of a fight. J said it was too soon to know and why does he have to be the positive strong one all the time. I said there is a difference between positive thinking and denial/magical thinking. Also I know my body and I knew my period was coming. I said for him it's ok to rage at the world/unfairness of it all, but he didn't agree. He then said I don't know how to solve this. I said he can't, I just need to bawl and feel sorry for myself. All I need is for him to put his arms around me. So he did and I cried and I still felt sad but a little relieved.

Last night it was J's cousin's 18th birthday party. I didn't want to go. I also have a cold and sore throat at the moment. I had a premonition. My period had started and I said I bet G (one of his other cousins) is pregnant. Any way I went. G makes a bee line to me and begins her usual fishing expedition. She asks round about questions on the subject of are we trying, my miscarriage etc. Then she says she is 10 weeks pregnant, but not to tell the rest of the family. She has been trying since January and conceived after 3 months, she said how hard it was for her when she found out my SIL was pregnant. WTF? Try 2 and a half years. I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't an announcement to the whole Sri Lankan clan, there was already enough pregnancy talk and stomach rubbing going around on my SIL. Also I think she told me so I won't hear it that way. I'll tell my SIL though as we are too close not to. Somehow I managed to hold it together during the night. By 10.30 I'd had enough and said to J we have to go before I lose it.

So I cried all the way home. I told him how jealous I was of her. I felt all the panic overwhelming me. Many family and friends are now on the 2nd pregnancy and we're stuck with a BFN. J said it doesn't mean it won't happen for us there's not a finite amount of pregnancies to go around. It's just that it cuts, I feel defeated. Why does it have to be so fucking hard for us?

To top it off I thought my pay on Thursday would pay off the final $1100 left in medical bills from the stim and the thaw. It's taken me 2 months to get it down. Then J gets a $2000.00 dollar tax bill. (Australia has a very high tax rate and although the government is always banging on about saving and investing they tax any interest you earn as well). So now it will go towards that. I can't make extra house payments or get a new washing machine.

The spider bite blister that I mentioned last post has burst. I was watching TV on Wednesday night when I suddenly felt hot needles being jabbed into my leg. I now have a hole in my leg. Everyone is telling me to go to the doctors as it could be the flesh eating type. It seems a bit better at the moment so I haven't been. To be quite frank I'm tired of going to the doctors.

Some good news. One of my race horses came second yesterday at Flemington. Bad news I worked so couldn't go and forgot to punt on it. It paid $14.00 for the place. She is from the same sire as Makybe Diva who won the 2003 and 2004 Melbourne Cup and she is also a stayer. Let me clarify that I probably only own her tail as I'm in a syndicate and we have many shareholders and our horses luckily have paid their way. We never had to put more in other than the initial outlay 4 years ago. One of my dreams since I was kid is to own a Melbourne Cup winner. I've had my speech worked out for years when I accept the cup. How I let IF interfere with everything. Fancy forgetting to punt on my own horse, I even have a phone account for such emergencies.

So far....

2005-05-26T08:22:00.000+10:00

I did a pregnancy test this morning and nothing. I'm not sure how many days past transfer I am is it 7 or 8? The FET was last Weds. I have some cramping going on and backache, but I don't remember feeling quite the same last time. I also seem to have aching off and on in my ovaries. My boobs were killing me last time, although they aren't this time they seem to be bigger. I feel tired but it has been the week from hell at school this week. My husband says it's too early to tell and I shouldn't have done the HPT. But I'm sure that last time at around the same time I got a positive. So I'm a little worried, but my husband's not. I thought implantation happens at around day 7 but I'm not sure.

If it doesn't work I'm blaming my job and will seriously consider long service leave next term. This week I taught all day Monday. With one of the naughty classes I teach ( I stand in front of and manage to keep control) the coordinator came in and went through them for giving another teacher a hard time. Apparently some had run away from class, thrown footys around and when she confiscated them stolen them out of her bag.

Tuesday was a field trip to a national park with 3 Year 8 Geography classes. On the way up we constantly had to tell kids off and move them up the front of the bus. At the park one of the students was rude to the ranger at the end of his talk. Then on the bus ride back a kid threw an apple from the back of the bus just missing my head and hitting the bus driver's seat. ( He's suspended). To top it all off a spider or something has bitten me on the leg and I now have a big red fluid filled blister the size of a ten cent piece.

Taught all day yesterday. Last period in a Year 7 class confiscated a homemade knife off a student, who is constantly pushing and shoving other kids.

Today is my good day only 3 on. I'll be so pissed if I cop an extra.

Did I mention I teach in a very good state school?

Quick Update

2005-05-19T15:04:00.000+10:00

Transferred yesterday at 8.30 am. Two embryos, thawed out perfectly.I was expecting to go back to work. My Dr asked if I wanted the day off and I said no, too busy. Then he said I'll give you a certificate any way. On the way out my husband said to take the day. I made the decsion driving down the freeway. My turn off is a few before school's. I was cramping during and after the procedure (like a painful period). My Dr said this is a good thing. I don't know why. So I relaxed at home, sort of. I did a bit of housework and had a sleep. My SIL called me at home panicking thinking something went wrong. I'm lucky to have such an understnding friend. (Her sister and brother-in-law are now with my Dr and had pick-up today)

I'm back at work tonight as we have information night for next years Year 7's. So I don't feel too bad about missing yesterday. Also because I worked at the school production last week. I'm going home in between to listen to my Anji (IVF/relaxation) CD.

So now I'm in that annoying no man's land. My Dr said I have to call him as soon as I find out either way. I just want to be pregnant and out of here. I want it to be my turn.
Thanks everyone for your support. I think I'll know if it takes early as last time I had nausea and a superhero sense of smell about 6 or 7 days after transfer.

FET on Wednesday

2005-05-16T13:38:00.000+10:00

I went out with the hens on Sunday for a late lunch. So much for abstaining from alcohol. We bought a cheap bottle of red and all had some. I had 2 glasses and immediately felt pissed. The tell tale signs of rosacea are in the photos. It doesn't take much. I put it down to being brought up in a strict teatotalling family, therefore I never developed a tolerance to it, and only being 5 foot 2. It was fun as we laughed, gossiped and forgot about things for a while. I even coped with pregnancy talk although I still kept wishing I was pregnant and part of that club with my friends.

I'm trying to keep positive. I don't mean in that ridiculous "baby dust" "sticky thoughts" way. As much as I love www.ivfconnections.com, when I first saw some of that stuff I was a little embarrassed. I resent people telling me I have to think positive and relax. I do yoga, meditation, those ivf relaxation cds and hypno once a week . I can't explain to people how positive I have been in the past. How much I willed IVF to work, how much I tried to hold on to my baby. In the end it's mentally exhausting and you have to let reality in or go insane. Even then I have small nervy B's.

I surged on Sunday morning and cancelled my blood test. Transfer is on Wednesday. I don't know what time yet as I have to call the nurses tomorrow. I'm hoping it is in the afternoon as I'm not teaching classes and it will be easier to get away from school. It's exciting but nerve wracking as well. I just want it to work and I want to be pregnant again. I don't know how I'll handle a crash, even with 5 in storage.

Scans

2005-05-13T20:12:00.000+10:00

On Monday I had a scan to see if I'm about to ovulate and to check the lining. Got the ok, everything seems to be on track. I have to continue checking my wee for the surge. It's often hard to tell if the line is darker enough or not. I also had a blood test done and was almost late for work.

I had a scan again yesterday and everything looks good. My doctor said I'm about to fire off the right ovary, but it could be a few more days. I told him it would be late like after the stim cycle in December. He said it's hard to know. When I told him I have 28 day cycles and have always monitored them, he looked a bit surprised. It must seem a bit obsessive but I hated being caught out, especially as I played a lot of sport and swam etc. It didn't mean I stopped these activities but I was prepared.

If the wee test doesn't show a surge by Sunday, I have an 8.00am blood test. Bang goes a small sleep in before dog training. At least I'm not working this Saturday in the family business as I need to do a million things. One of which is to see my youngest sister who had her second baby on Tuesday. She knew I was working long hours so I haven't seen her and I just find it too confronting at the moment going into hospital. I rang her and will go over tomorrow. I hope I don't lose it, I don't think I can hold my new nephew yet.

I actually feel a lot better at the moment and I put it down to being so busy that I don't have time to think about IF and the piles of corrections I have been transporting home each night and ignoring. I've been working back late doing the make-up for the school musical, so I when I get home I'm too tired to think about anything. I'm also looking forward to Sunday as the hens are going out for afternoon tea (tiffen). Only 2 hens can get maggotted as 3 are pregnant and I'm abstaining from alcohol leading up to the FET. I wish I was still pregnant and then it would have been the 4 of us all with in a few months of each other. I still get those sad feelings when I think like that.

So next week should be the FET, it always amazes me how quick they are. Then it's the horrible 2 week wait. I'll have to think of ways to distract myself and I'm scared of the possible BFN, especially since I've only just started to feel a bit better.

Even though I've been doing the make up for the school musical, I'm not going to see it. I think the students are very talented and brave. It's just that I find musicals irritating. I felt like I had wasted a few hours of my life when I went to see "Moulin Rouge". Ban (hen) put it well. She said she would have rather slid down a water slide with razor blades on the side into a pool full of vinegar. My one exception to musicals is the film "Cabaret", Liza Minelli is amazing and not as mental as she is now.

Personal Question Attack at the Photocopier

2005-05-11T14:08:00.000+10:00

I'm having a hard time. I can't seem to pull myself out of the sadness and worry. I just don't feel normal, there are always tears not far from the surface. I feel safe at home and being with my husband. Other than that I'm messy. It seems to be particularly bad at work.

Ban (hen) saw me in the photo copy room and told me how much the hens are worried about me and stuff. I had a bit of a cry and said I can't help it, things are setting me off all the time and I need to withdraw. She said that can be good, it can also mean healing. So I felt better. Then she left and I said I would meet her at her desk to look at her new mobile. Enter the biggest school gossip. She charged me and started firing rapid personal questions at me. Are you pregnant again? Are you still trying? Are you trying now? Are you going back again? (what ever the fuck that's suppose to mean). I mumbled some answers then told her I didn't want to talk about it. But now felt like shit again. She might as well have asked what position and how often.

When I got home I told J, he was a little shocked. My only explanation is that she goes on long service leave today and wanted the latest gossip, so she could pass it on to the other gossips. Like her final coup. I felt like writing a big annonymous "Fuck off then to Europe" on her card, instead I didn't write anything.

Here we go again

2005-05-01T15:21:00.000+10:00

My period came on Friday. I had to talk in code to the nurse when I rang to inform her it was day 1. Everyone was in our office and I was teaching all day, as time is limited as to when to contact them, I just had to let her fill in the blanks. I'm particularly wary of one of the biggest gossips in the school she told me on Friday morning that she knew all about my miscarriage. I told her I couldn't talk about it and went to the photocopy room teary. I was pissed off, I know the other big gossip told her and now everyone in the school will know. I also hadn't thought about it that morning and felt reasonably normal.

The funny thing about this period is that it is like the one's I used to get in high school and uni. That is very painful. Lots of cramping and pain. This may be because I now weigh 54-55 kgs about 5 kgs heavier than when we started all this in May, thanks to 4 stim cycles and depression. Or could it be too much coffee, too much vodka? Since last weekend my husband and I have been drinking vodka and lime before dinner every night. I usually feel a little pissed after one glass and would sometimes go on to a 2nd or 3rd.

With the arrival of my period I have begun cutting down the caffeine to one green tea in the morning and no alcohol. I made a chocolate marble cake yesterday, but as that failed ( the 2nd time with this recipe) I haven't eaten chocolate either. I'll cut the green tea out sometime during the week. I cut caffeine out last time and was fanatical about it while I was pregnant, even though it made no difference in the end.

I must admit to having a few very irrational thoughts during the last few days. I have had people say the familiar old story to me many times. Their friend's friend's cousin did IVF (insert amount of times) then they stopped and they got pregnant naturally. I was thinking why can't I be that person? Then I remembered the egg retrieval. Still that story is guaranteed to piss me off and it always comes back to haunt me when my period turns up.

One good thing with the publicity going on here with the government wanting to limit IVF is that they have been interviewing people going through IVF. One couple featured in the newspaper had 11 transfers before success and estimated they had spent $30,000 on their treatments. This will hopefully stop some people from thinking that it works on the first go and that is free.

Bowled a Bouncer

2005-04-26T06:58:00.000+10:00

I've been cruising along ok, probably as I was only back at work for two days and then we had a long weekend for ANZAC Day.

Anyway, last night I was watching TV when they announced that Princess Mary of Denmark is due to give birth in October. I was momentarily shocked, I told my husband and started crying.

On Tuesday morning they seemed to be talking about it constantly on TV. They kept interviewing Danish journalists and quoting Danish polls etc. I know it's fantastic news for them and I admire her, because I can't imagine what it's been like thrust into the public spotlight, people commenting on your fertility like it's their right. But it just makes me feel left behind. I was due in October. I feel panicky, may be we should have transferred one and gambled with the OHSS? I wonder when we will transfer next month? Will it work? What if we run through all 7 embryos over the next 3 to 4 months? Back to bloody stims and the threat of Medicare being taken form us.

I feel like a batsman, settled in making a few runs, then even starting to tonk a few 4's and forgetting all the stress, then suddenly you have a bouncer bowled at your head and you no longer feel in control.

Medicare

2005-04-20T22:14:00.000+10:00

I like many Aussies undergoing IVF treatments you are probably angry, upset and pissed off about Tony Abbott's proposed changes to Medicare. Although he claims this will save the government money, I've only seen $7 million quoted. This is very small in the scheme of things. I e-mailed Tony Abbott the following:

Dear Tony Abbott,
I am angry and disappointed about your
proposed changes to IVF under Medicare. IVF is an expensive,
invasive,stressful and exhausting procedure. I did not choose to
undergo this treatment on some whim. My husband and I desperately want
to conceive a child or children. He has been diagnosed with male
factor that isn't curable, and our only option is IVF. The only way we
can afford treatment at present is to use my wage and the Medicare
partial funding of it has taken some of the sting out of the cost. We
have, however, spent thousands on treatments.

If IVF cycles are limited you are disadvantaging us, as with each
delay time is against us. Despite what the public think IVF doesn't
usually work the first time and it may take a number of cycles before
the Dr can establish the best protocol for a patient. In other words
it is not an exact science. Even if it doesn't work for a couple at
least they have had the chance.

I'm betting that like me most of us have worked for many years and
paid taxes during that time. Perhaps like me going to the doctor, let
alone the hospital, was a very rare experience, until beginning
infertility treatment. However, I have always been a strong supporter
of our health care system and know how lucky we are to have it, this
is especially brought home to me when I have traveled in countries
such as the US.

Recent statistics have indicated that 1 in 10 babies are conceived
using IVF and related techniques. These people all vote and there was
nothing said about this before the 2004 election.

Please reconsider, until you have walked in my shoes or any one else's
struggling with infertility, then you have no idea of the damage that
it does. IVF offers us some hope at least.
Your sincerely,
MC

What I politely neglected to say was that I think he is influenced by his conservative Catholic agenda and his personal objection to IVF. I also neglected to tell him that I think he is the "C" word.

Perpetual Waiting

2005-04-20T12:29:00.000+10:00

This morning we got to the clinic half an hour before transfer. This is because we had to drive through peak hour traffic, but also because I have this thing were I have to be super early to every thing. Then I'm bored as I have to wait around for an hour. It looks like I've read all the magazines in the waiting room.( Including the ones announcing Brittany Spears' pregnancy. Just one more thing to piss me off in this whole IF crap.) My husband commented that this would hopefully be the last of waiting around for various IVF procedures. Sadly this is not the case.

Our Dr rang me just before we left to let me know that we may not transfer. He said we would talk about it when we got in. We knew this was a possibility as Melbourne IVF's policy is to defer transfer on a 20 egg or more collection. Also because of my history of OHSS it was even more up in the air.

Any way to cut a long story short we have taken his advice and frozen our embryos. He said if I screamed and carried on and demanded a transfer he would do it, but only one not two. We deferred another time, so I wasn't that upset and I prefer the thaw cycle, no drugs. Last time I got pregnant off a FET.

It looks like we have 7 to freeze, but we won't know for certain until tomorrow. I'm pretty sore still and just fit into some of my work clothes as the mild OHSS I have is causing me to bloat. He said that if I got pregnant on this transfer it would probably mean hospital time. I still have vivid memories of my first bout being unable to breathe and dry retching into the toilet regularly.

So that's it for the moment. Dr is amazed at the amount collected especially when the scan showed 16 on Sat. But my husband and I are pleased to have some in reserve so I don't have to go through a stim cycle anytime soon. So now I just have to wait for my period.

Back to work tomorrow. I wish I taught PE so I could wear tracksuit daks to work.

In Shock

2005-04-18T11:13:00.000+10:00

Just got back from hospital and I'm in shock. This has been my usual result.
1st IVF 11 eggs
2nd IVF cancelled
3rd IVF 13 eggs
4th IVF 26 eggs
This was on even smaller doses of Gonal-F. I had to see the nurse as if it's 20 or more they assume OHSS. I'm pretty happy, but you all know the rollercoaster this is, so I'll use the old cliche, of not counting my chickens before they hatch.

Also felt sad in the recovery room, a women was wheeled in after me. We have the same Dr and I saw him talk to her with a really grave look on his face. When he left she started crying. I don't know for sure but I don't think she got any eggs. Her husband came over and she couldn't stop. Just after our Dr had left a pregnant woman walked past us and into one of the cubicles. I thought that was so harsh, then a few minutes later another pregnant woman came in. Both were ready to give birth. It's strange how you seem to be constantly remined of IF, especially when you have just been kicked in the guts. When I was leaving I asked the nurse how she was and almost started crying.

I'm going to bed now as I'm still a bit woozy, infact J just caught me on the computer and has ordered me into bed.
Thanks everyone for your support. I'm just hoping the OHSS doesn't kick in. So far, so good.

Trigger

2005-04-17T10:51:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I had my 3rd scan for the week. After 4 rounds of IVF there is no embarrassment or selfconsciousness left. Pants are off in record time. It's kind of weird as the Dr was talking to me about his daughters all the while the wand is up my clack. Surreal really he says he doesn't know how teachers cope teaching teenagers all day, I was thinking the same thing about his job. Imagine looking at women's fannies all day. Even though I've gone through all this I'm still one of those people that gets out of their bathers under a towel at the swimming pool change rooms. I have never been able to bring myself to parade around in the nude.

Retrieval is on Monday, so that means I have to organise work to e-mail in for my classes that I'll be missing. I'm just going to tell them that I'm sick, to stop nosy questions like the Vice Principal's when I was pregnant. " Is this related to why you were in hospital at the end of last year?"
Me "No, not really, but sort of."
I thought of a better come back half an hour later: "Mind your own fucking business"

After the scan I saw the nurse to pick up the trigger injection. She asked me some questions about OHSS and I told her I have been feeling nauseous. Then she asked me if I was bloated and I was momentarily lost for words. Isn't everyone bloated out on these drugs? Then she said we may have to cancel the cycle if the signs become worse and I thought no way. Is still remember the 2nd cycle being cancelled and breaking down and howling in front of everyone at the clinic. Then being hysterical in the car on the phone to J.

I can't wait for Monday, I'm at the stage where I just want them out. It's uncomfortable and hardly anything in my wardrobe fits me. I also feel a little nervous. The first thing I always ask when I wake up is how many?

Scan

2005-04-14T08:34:00.000+10:00

This morning I went for another scan and everything is progressing well. So far 16 follicles and looks like pick-up on Monday or Tuesday. I'm hoping Tuesday as I will be back at school from holidays next week and need the Monday to organise my classes. It's just a little added bit of stress, it would have been easier if it could have happened this week during the holidays.

I actually really hate my job. I loathe it so much that I can't believe I make it to work everyday. Probably because I have such good friends there it keeps me going and obviously the money, morgage, bills etc. Many people have said to me why don't I take long service leave, I have a bit saved up. I have contemplated it, but I don't want to spend long service leave having needles, spray, scans etc. done. I want to spend long service leave free of all that stuff. Besides it's only been with the start of IVF that I have taken days off work. Most of my appointments I take at 7.30 am and 5.00pm so I don't miss work. I'm rarely sick and have a huge amount of sick days saved up. So for the moment I'll keep working and dream about winning Tatts, so that I never have to teach again and could do IVF without having to pay off thousands of dollars on my credit card for every Stim cycle.

Bloating out

2005-04-12T13:49:00.000+10:00

Not much going on. Have had six Gonal-F injections with a 7th coming up tonight. Had a scan today and everything is on track. Then another scan coming up on Thursday morning. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable already, there is swelling and it's about this time that I don't like doing much yoga or pilates. I can't stand the feeling of pressure being amplified on my stomach area. Also that squeamish thing comes into it again. The cycle I had cancelled due to OHSS (40 wasted eggs), was when the Dr described how my ovaries were so big they were touching and something other else about them being folded back. I tuned out as I was feeling grossed out.

I don't know how other people feel about exercise. I can generally keep walking the dogs, although I get a bit breathy towards the last few days of injections. The Drs and nurses always say it's ok to exercise but I'm scared I'll burst an ovary or something.

Still on the synarel. It makes me sneeze and swells up my sinuses. I wake up in the morning feeling like someone poured concrete in my head overnight. Then after the spray for a few hours it feels as though someone is poking hot wire up my sinuses. Don't feel as cranky as last time as was virtually straight on Gonal-F and not just on the spray.

Dentist
Went to the dentist yesterday and refused to have an x-ray done. I suddenly got all paranoid and didn't want radiation near the eggs. Of course I didn't want to tell him the whole truth, so when he asked if I was pregnant, I said I didn't know as I had miscarried recently and had to see my Dr today. He said so you might be pregnant best not to x-ray then. Then he preceded to tell me the miscarriage was for the best and finished off with at least you know you are fertile. I couldn't wait to tell my husband and for some reason we just found it one of the funniest things, almost funnier than the acts we saw at the comedy festival last week.

Gardening
One of the things that helps me forget this IF shit. At least something's fertile around this house.

Embarrassing moment

2005-04-06T18:59:00.000+10:00

I must be getting better as on the weekend we went to a wedding of one of my work colleagues. There is a group of us at school ( cocks and hens) and we go out drinking, socialising and to each others weddings. Yes we are a bit of a clique especially the hens (6 of us).

Any way M was getting married and he knew that I was pregnant. Only problem was that someone forgot to tell him that I miscarried and the last few weeks at work I have kept my head down and haven't been able to speak about it.

The wedding was 3 hours out of the city, so we all went up on the Friday night. We all had dinner at the pub. The bride to be came up to me and said congratulations. It was doubly embarrassing as my SIL and close friend (hens) are noticeably pregnant and it was directed at them as well. The funny thing was though that I found myself reassuring the mortified bride to be that every thing was ok and it was 4 weeks ago. It's stressful enough before your wedding.

I won't say that I was completely ok all weekend as I wasn't. Especially in private with my husband. And sometimes it was hard with the attention that my pregnant friends got. It seemed that there were many conversations and references to pregnancy all weekend. And of course I thought about how I would have been showing and what I would have worn. However I did seem to be able to deflect some of the pain. Maybe I'm just becoming better at wearing the mask. Or may be it was all the bubbly and red we started drinking at lunchtime and kept going until late at night.

updatarama

2005-04-06T18:31:00.000+10:00

Things have suddenly started moving quickly again with IVF. It's funny how there is so much waiting and then next thing you know you are on the Gonal F and they are asking if your admission forms are filled in. I panicked at first and thought I'm not ready. I only had my D&C 30 days ago, I'm drinking coffee like crazy and red wine. I also have 4 extra kg on since the last stims in December and the recent miscarriage. I'm actually a bit concerned about putting on weight during this cycle. Of course if I end up pregnant I won't care.

I started the nasal spray yesterday and had to see the nurses today. I don't have to take the pill this cycle , which I'm really happy about as it always makes me feel nauseous. The first time I ever took the pill was during my first 2 cycles of IVf.

I start Gonal F injections tonight. This is probably the part I hate the most as I can't give myself injections, I feel like I'm stabbing myself. I can't watch someone give me one and I faint at the sight of blood. So my husband has to do it. Strangely he quite likes doing it he also enjoys watching his blood being drawn back into the syringe during blood tests. These are the kinds of things that make me feel swimmy in the head just thinking about them.

Overall I'm ready physically. Mentally/emotionally much better as I'm on holidays and without the stress of school I feel more able to cope, even getting to the appointments is no big hassle.
The main thing I fear is failure. But I know I have to try again and take the risk. If I think back on my life some of the most rewarding things have happened because of risks I took.

Marking Time and the things that set me off

2005-03-25T22:07:00.000+11:00

Just waiting now for my period, the next step in IVF or whatever. At least I'm doing all the things I swear off when I'm on a cycle or when I was pregnant. Drinking red wine, coffee, a bit of chocolate, a good strong Burgher tea ( my husband is a Sri Lankan Burgher and put me on to a good strong cup of tea and tiffin).

Physically I feel great, but mentally I'm up and down. Things set me off. Here are some of them.

PILATES CLASS
I hadn't been for 3 weeks because I was too sad and then too sore. I turned up this week and the teacher who had previously blabbed to the class that I was pregnant, didn't know about the miscarriage. She said her kids must have wiped the message on her answering machine. Then one of the other students who I really like ( we make faces at each other when our abs burn and fail) asked me how I was and I had to tell her. Not only that but she told me she is pregnant and a week behind me. I felt happy for her, but sad for me, it would have been fun to be in class together pregnant. Now every time I go to class I'll check out her stomach surreptitiously and think that would have been me as well.

SCHOOL

I had to tell the Vice Principals and Principal that I was pregnant as I wasn't always making it to the endless meetings teachers love to have. I was so fatigued and nauseous. One of the VP's said to me how much giving birth would change me etc etc. Well guess what honey so does fucking infertility and miscarriage. It messes with me, does my head in. It makes me have these really bitter and twisted thoughts. I'm never feel truly happy any more, even when stuffing around with friends. It is still like I have put a mask on to get through work and life in general. I'm much more like a hermit now, unsure of myself, constantly going over things in my head. Is it because I don't eat meat the baby didn't grow? Was it the fact that I hate my job and the stress of it? Did the baby stop growing because I had to yell at a class that were acting up? Did it happen right at the start when I was on school camp and had to ring my husband to get my Beta and I felt pissed off that I wasn't home with him? Who knows? Who cares?

FAMILY EASTER DO

This was hard. It was good as I saw my close cousins and my family was there. Bad as my sister, who I love, and who is tremendous support to me,is almost due. Same with my cousin's wife. Everyone was rubbing their stomachs, talking about due dates, names, sex of the unborns etc. This morning I broke down I started crying and saying to my husband even though it was early we had names too.

Pet Peeve

2005-03-15T16:03:00.000+11:00

Scented dunny paper. It's not posh ( even state schools supply it.) It must be the only thing in the world I'm allergic too and it causes thrush. I've taken to BYOing unscented, non printed stuff with me. Literally pissing me off.

Not much to report other than I put on a facade at work. I answer that I'm good, I smile, sometimes I laugh. Underneath I feel like walking out and never coming back again. I don't know how much longer I can keep looking after everyone else's kids and keep getting kicked in the guts with IVF etc. I get these overwhelming feelings of sadness, they come on at unexpected times.

Miss it so much it hurts

2005-03-08T18:44:00.000+11:00

I miss being pregnant. It's as simple and as painful as that.
I miss the sore boobs, the fact that I even went up a bra size (12B to 12C). I loved the blue veins that were appearing.
I miss the pulling and stretching feellings of my uterus.
I miss the full feeling and that I couldn't lie on my stomach.
I miss the fatigue and lying down after work.
I miss the glowing skin and glossy thick hair.
I miss the secret feeling, walking around knowing there was a baby inside me.
I miss the nausea.
I miss the delicious feeling that I would be leaving work and giving birth in October.
I loved the way my changing body turned my husband on. He loved the new curves.
I loved everything about it.
Now I just have a dull ache were my baby used to be.
Now I have to go back to work and pretend I give a shit and everything is normal.

The Get Out of Hell Pass is Renegged

2005-03-07T11:41:00.000+11:00

I stopped blogging after I found out I was pregnant, it was like I would jinx myself or something. My mantra was 12 weeks, 12 weeks, God just get me past the magical 12 weeks. I only told the trusted, the one's who would be ok if I came crashing down. A few nosey parkers busted me along the way and it pissed me off no end.

I also didn't know how to approach a blog about pregnancy, I sometimes read the bloggers who have had successful IVF but they're the only one's I can bear to read and only skim read them.
My husband and I tried not to let ourselves get too excited, but suddenly one of us would get caught up and take the other with them. Then remember it was too early to plan and dream.

Then just as we emerged from hell and and I found myself almost back to the easy going, friendly person I used to be (never completely, infertility alters you, I never felt quite the same and always the pissed off anger, the guilt that I'd made it out of IVF, and more I can't express). My life turned into a soap opera.

The first scan showed a small yolk sac, but a heart beat and the baby was the right size. My Dr was worried but said there was some hope, a scan next week. We went away worried but hopeful. I redoubled my relaxation tapes and meditation.

Next week 2 scans the heart beat was there, but the baby was 10 days behind. My Dr and the Dr he got a 2nd opinion of just shook there heads and said that they were sorry there was nothing they could do. J and I appreciated the honesty but I felt so weird, I was walking around knowing the baby was dying. Still experiencing sore boobs, nausea etc. It was surreal to turn up to work every day and pretend that I was normal because it didn't feel normal.

On Thursday the scan showed the baby, but no heartbeat. My Dr was upset about the bad news but I had been bawling for a week and a half now so it was almost a feeling of relief. We all decided that to avoid another operation and anesthetic would be ideal. The plan was to let it pass naturally.

Friday I felt like shite at the swimming sports. Cramping, bleeding, bored and wanting to be in bed. Good thing is I had a giant cuppacino, it's been 3 months since I'd had caffeine.

Saturday, bled heavily over night but that morning it felt like a light, bit crampy period. Wasn't working for the family so I decided to shop for groceries. Big mistake. I must have had the most dramatic miscarriage. So ironic after I had been keeping it quiet at work and trying to be all stoic. Any way I made it around the supermarket, got to the butchers and felt funny( put it down to the sight of the meat and the fact that I'm a vego), Got to the grocers and everything went off track.

I cut short the amount of vegies I was buying as I was in a sweat now, made it to the check out in time to tell the woman I was going to faint. The guys that work there caught me and put me in a chair. They called J ( I carry a mobile for emergencies and left it at home for the first time ever). I felt myself go through stages.
If he gets here now I can still drive

if he gets here now I can make it to his car and a Dr's

If he gets here now I can make it to his car and to the emergency section of the hospital up the road

If he gets here now I can't move

I somehow asked them to call and ambulance and told them I needed to lie down. They helped me out the back and I threw up in their sink. Then I lay on the ground shaking and hyperventalating, trying not to throw up again.
J came and the ambulance not much longer after that. I asked for drugs straight away, that's how wimpy I was, I couldn't take the pain. The drugs were excellent and in the ambulance on the way to emergency, I asked the ambo if this was the wimpiest call out. He said not at all, it's quite common and he said my low blood pressure was part of the problem so I felt a bit better about that. The nurses also told me that different people react differently to miscarriage. My Dr met me at emergency a couple of hours later and luckily I had private cover as there were no beds in public and 3 whole empty wards in private. (Something sucks there)

My poor husband was so freaked out he had chest pains. To make things even weirder he was waiting at home around the time I would have been under and suddenly my Airedale, Leo, let out this long mournful howl. My husband panicked and rang the hospital.

So now I have two days off work to recover from my very public miscarriage and the operation.
And a big thank you to the women who proceeded to interrogate me and tell me off in the grocers for not having a D and C done and that my Dr didn't know what he was doing and I was going to get sick and infected and I shouldn't have been out etc. I bet you were a bossy nurse. ( no offence to nurses. I'm a teacher and my husband sometimes has to pull me into line for being bossy)

(Just a thought, but following the soap opera theme I wouldn't have been at all surprised if I had have woken up after the operation with tubes up my nose, my Dr would have been Marlena, the nurses Beau and Hope Brady, Stephanie would have been at my bedside telling me I would marry Ridge, Thorn or some other square jaw over her dead body and Sally Spectra would declare that I was the best wedding dress designer in the world so that's why she stole all my designs.)

Fad Diets

2005-01-25T19:02:00.000+11:00

When I was a teenager and in my early 20's I was convinced I was fat and was forever going on fad diets.( In reality I had Nana's hips, often referred to as childbearing in our family, the cruel irony) These diets were so ridiculous that today they probably wouldn't even make it to publication as they mainly involved stavation rations and limiting yourself to one food. So eventually I would break the diet and gorge on cheese and rich foods things like that.

I'm displaying the same pattern of behaviour with pregnancy tests now. My theory is that it's the same principle of denial. You eventually binge when you keep denying yourself things. When I statred IVF JC banned me from doing pregnancy tests. For 16-17 months before I religiously tested every month sometimes twice and he saw me get more and more frustrated and upset. So I agreed to take a break.

However, there is no stopping me now. Because I was on holidays and had lots of time to worry I decided to start doing them. I didn't tell JC but he saw some wrapping in the bin and guessed. Eventually I came clean and told him and found out he already knew.

I told himI couldn't control it and if I'm pregnant I'm going to do a pregnancy test every week just to see the two pink lines. I might even take one in to work and show the hens. I might even frame it.

I know it's too early to tell yet only 5,6 and 7 days past transfer, so I probably keeping doing them except for next week when I'm on camp.

Scared

2005-01-22T20:57:00.000+11:00

I think my periods about to arrive. Sometimes yesterday and sometimes today I was convinced that it was about to and didn't want to go to the toilet. Any one knowing me knows that I have a bladder the size of a pea and need to go often. Although I'm sure it's psychological, if I'm going on a long trip, for example, a school camp or excursion I need to go even just walking down to the bus. My husband and I changed sides of the bed so I was closer to the toilet.
So last night to try and get over my anxiety I baked a cake with fresh raspberries in it and watched a great British murder show Blood of the wire or something like that. Made even more deliciously scary as my husband was away. The Poms do great murder mysteries. So today I have been picking at the cake and eating way to much to try and stuff the worry back down. I'm driving myself nuts with the self talk debating whether or not. I obsessively go to chat boards and google IVF and implantation.
I don't feel as if I will lose it and find it hard to stop crying this time if it's a BFN as I feel pissed off. But who knows, I seem to tear up at the drop of a hat these days. Especially when I take my thoughts to what if I never get pregnant? How do I deal with life in the future? And many more. I don't want to go there yet.

The Dr Dilema

2005-01-21T13:05:00.000+11:00

This happened at the start of my IVF stuff and although it sorted it self out it still is a bit weird.
When I told my mum who my Dr was she said she knew him as he has been in our family business/shop many times. I thought that's not right, what if I'm working ( I work there part time at weekends) and he comes in? The reactions from my close girlfriends (The Hens) were mixed. But mostly consisted of laughing.
I decided not to mention anything to my Dr, then one Saturday I finished up at work for the day and left the shop. Apparently 5 minutes later he entered the shop. My Dr worshipping dad who didn't know the plan to keep things quiet immediately told him. I was so embarrassed and agonised over how was I going to cope with my next appointment. It just doesn't seem right to have your fanny looked at by someone who knows your family and you could see out in the street in real life. I made my husband come to the next scan and got over my initial misgivings. In fact I think I may get slightly favoured after all he has been coming into the family business since 1978.

The Two Week Wait

2005-01-21T12:49:00.000+11:00

Have you ever noticed how during your 2 week wait everyone around you gets pregnant. In my first two week wait my sister announced she was pregnant almost at the same time I found out I wasn't. I didn't want to tell her and ruin her news.
Then I had two embryos transferred in Dec after a successful egg collection. All of a sudden I was bombarded with pregnancy announcements during my 2 week wait, my cousin's wife, a close friend (who was too scared to tell me and rang just as I was getting my period), my sister in-law, my naturopath. Even a news reader on one of those morning shows announced she was up the duff just as I turned on the TV. Opened up my e-mail an ex student had sent 20 photos of her baby. My husband comes home from our Osteopath, she's pregnant and also too scared to tell me.
One morning I was walking my dogs, I stopped to let some young girls pat them. One asked if my little dog was pregnant. That would be right I thought is this some kind of conspiracy against me and what will the Airedale beagle x caviler puppies look like?
I feel pleased for these people but it just kind of makes it cut deeper that I'm not pregnant. I can't help but feel like a dud. Thank God my husband is so positive about it all.
This two week wait I'm keeping my head low, luckily I'm still on holidays. Each -ve has fallen on holidays and I have been able to have my mini nervy B's at home. It's weird people feel scared to tell me as I've always been a pretty meek and mild person. Although these days I see a change I feel angry and can actually see myself becoming much more cynical and pissed off. Not to mention my withdrawal from the world in general.
(Also noticed that during two week waits there are always massive social events on like a close friend's wedding and you can't drink)

Natural therapists, good and bad.

2005-01-18T15:43:00.000+11:00

I must admit I feel pretty ripped off having to go through IVF/ICSI to try and get pregnant. I have done yoga for 23 years , and have kept reasonably fit and healthy (uni days and drinks with the girls aside). I have always gone to alternative health professionals, but now find myself less likely to put up with their space cadet crap.
Reflexologist: My husband JC gave me a voucher for Xmas as I love having my feet massaged, pampered etc. When she asked me about recent medication and operations I said IVF (reluctantly ,but always a faint hope something else might help with implantation). She then preceeded to ask me annoying questions the entire hour. Do you know how to relax? I think it's your lower back. You know these foods ....... are good for endo. This is even after I blurted out that it was male factor. She then made me choose a spiritual card or something at the end and said it was commitment and read out all these things about how I should stick to one thing and see it through. Excuse me am I missing something here? Nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, two stim cycles, nasty case of OHSS, Two transfers and a BFN. ( Currently on 2 week wait after FET yesterday,3rd transfer.)
There has been a few others along the way,like the accupunturist telling me IVF was invasive and not needed. Apparently the herbs that smelt like dog shit tea would do the trick.
The Good: My naturapath Who knows all about IVF, the medications, procedures etc. Who supports and doesn't judge. Who just got pregnant after 2 and a half years of unexplained infertility.
Even though I'm a lot more cynical these days I can see how easy it is to be sucked in as the cycles pass and I bacome more of a basket case. I'll clutch at any straws.