Marking Time and the things that set me off

Just waiting now for my period, the next step in IVF or whatever. At least I'm doing all the things I swear off when I'm on a cycle or when I was pregnant. Drinking red wine, coffee, a bit of chocolate, a good strong Burgher tea ( my husband is a Sri Lankan Burgher and put me on to a good strong cup of tea and tiffin).


Physically I feel great, but mentally I'm up and down. Things set me off. Here are some of them.

PILATES CLASS
I hadn't been for 3 weeks because I was too sad and then too sore. I turned up this week and the teacher who had previously blabbed to the class that I was pregnant, didn't know about the miscarriage. She said her kids must have wiped the message on her answering machine. Then one of the other students who I really like ( we make faces at each other when our abs burn and fail) asked me how I was and I had to tell her. Not only that but she told me she is pregnant and a week behind me. I felt happy for her, but sad for me, it would have been fun to be in class together pregnant. Now every time I go to class I'll check out her stomach surreptitiously and think that would have been me as well.

SCHOOL

I had to tell the Vice Principals and Principal that I was pregnant as I wasn't always making it to the endless meetings teachers love to have. I was so fatigued and nauseous. One of the VP's said to me how much giving birth would change me etc etc. Well guess what honey so does fucking infertility and miscarriage. It messes with me, does my head in. It makes me have these really bitter and twisted thoughts. I'm never feel truly happy any more, even when stuffing around with friends. It is still like I have put a mask on to get through work and life in general. I'm much more like a hermit now, unsure of myself, constantly going over things in my head. Is it because I don't eat meat the baby didn't grow? Was it the fact that I hate my job and the stress of it? Did the baby stop growing because I had to yell at a class that were acting up? Did it happen right at the start when I was on school camp and had to ring my husband to get my Beta and I felt pissed off that I wasn't home with him? Who knows? Who cares?

FAMILY EASTER DO

This was hard. It was good as I saw my close cousins and my family was there. Bad as my sister, who I love, and who is tremendous support to me,is almost due. Same with my cousin's wife. Everyone was rubbing their stomachs, talking about due dates, names, sex of the unborns etc. This morning I broke down I started crying and saying to my husband even though it was early we had names too.