Anniversary

I just realised that on the 18th it was my one year anniversary of blogging. I forgot about it as I've worked for my parents during my holidays and hardly get time to read blogs. It seems like a short time ago I was so naive about getting pregnant. I knew nothing about IF. Next month it will be 3 years TTC and we have been doing IVF for 20 months now. I actually feel a bit stressed and am worried about going back to school next week. I have two days back and then go on a study camp. In some ways it has been good to be working as it means I have less time to dwell on IF and IVF etc. It also means that I'll really appreciate my long service leave in March. We only have a six week term at school because of the Commonwealth Games. Our holiday is mainly organised and I get so excited thinking about it.

I told my Dr that I didn't want to cycle this month. If my period had've come earlier it would have been fine as I'm going for a flare cycle again. We seem to have a better fertilization result with a flare. But my period arrived late enough to put me in ER time around about the time I would be on camp. I didn't want to ring the teacher in charge and pull out at this stage, I don't want to explain even though she is lovely, we have shared an office for years and I think she has pretty much guessed. She never pries but asks me how I am and if I'm ok whenever I get back from time off. My Dr said that it was ok to have this month off, but is keen for me to start again after that. It is also good to be debt free this month, no IVF cycles to pay off.

Because I've been working 6 days a week, as I said earlier, I've been too busy to think about stuff. However, a few nights ago, I was watching a British show called "Walking the Dead" ( or something like that) and it had a couple who were infertile. It made me really sad as the husband had had an affair and his lover had got pregnant. Someone had murdered his lover. When the wife found out about the affair and pregnancy she overdosed. It was a pretty lame show and had elements of people being crazed infertiles or adoptees etc. It just left me with an overwhelming sadness. I had one of those sobbing, can't breathe crying episodes in bed that night. I said to J what happens when one of us dies? Who will look after who ever is left behind? I also told him how much I hate my body and myself. This IF stuffs robs my self esteem. J just rubbed my back and then held me until I feel asleep. It's so annoying just when I think I'm under control something sets me off.