Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


I just realised that on the 18th it was my one year anniversary of blogging. I forgot about it as I've worked for my parents during my holidays and hardly get time to read blogs. It seems like a short time ago I was so naive about getting pregnant. I knew nothing about IF. Next month it will be 3 years TTC and we have been doing IVF for 20 months now. I actually feel a bit stressed and am worried about going back to school next week. I have two days back and then go on a study camp. In some ways it has been good to be working as it means I have less time to dwell on IF and IVF etc. It also means that I'll really appreciate my long service leave in March. We only have a six week term at school because of the Commonwealth Games. Our holiday is mainly organised and I get so excited thinking about it.

I told my Dr that I didn't want to cycle this month. If my period had've come earlier it would have been fine as I'm going for a flare cycle again. We seem to have a better fertilization result with a flare. But my period arrived late enough to put me in ER time around about the time I would be on camp. I didn't want to ring the teacher in charge and pull out at this stage, I don't want to explain even though she is lovely, we have shared an office for years and I think she has pretty much guessed. She never pries but asks me how I am and if I'm ok whenever I get back from time off. My Dr said that it was ok to have this month off, but is keen for me to start again after that. It is also good to be debt free this month, no IVF cycles to pay off.

Because I've been working 6 days a week, as I said earlier, I've been too busy to think about stuff. However, a few nights ago, I was watching a British show called "Walking the Dead" ( or something like that) and it had a couple who were infertile. It made me really sad as the husband had had an affair and his lover had got pregnant. Someone had murdered his lover. When the wife found out about the affair and pregnancy she overdosed. It was a pretty lame show and had elements of people being crazed infertiles or adoptees etc. It just left me with an overwhelming sadness. I had one of those sobbing, can't breathe crying episodes in bed that night. I said to J what happens when one of us dies? Who will look after who ever is left behind? I also told him how much I hate my body and myself. This IF stuffs robs my self esteem. J just rubbed my back and then held me until I feel asleep. It's so annoying just when I think I'm under control something sets me off.


At 2:26 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Congratulations on your anniversary!
It's great that you have a plan for a new cycle, I never did the flare protocol, maybe if I was to do another that would be the recommendation after my last disaster!
I'm sorry that the tv program brought everything to the surface, I had that freak out feeling about what would happen if I lost D (he had a sore throat!) it was a horrible feeling, and all I thought was that I wouldn't want to live.
Maybe this is another part of the baggage that comes with IF?

At 10:58 PM, Blogger ankaisa said...

Time sure flies! Congrats on your anniversary.

And I'm still waiting to see a good movie/tv program/series to actually make IF look real. It's always this crazy thing only done by crazy people... Ugh. I'm sorry it was so painful to you to watch.

At 6:43 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

It's "waking the dead" I think. Sounds like an awful cliche. The film that I think got it right was the one based on the ben elton book, which I think is called "inconceivable"?

Sorry that it got you into a down mood. But it sounds as if your husband knows just what to do, which is wonderful. I hope you get to enjoy the month off.

At 2:45 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh Meg, it has been a helluva year, hasn't it? It is my blogiversary next week too and I look back and think if I had known what was in front of me, I would not have ever got out of bed!

It can be the oddest things that blindside you and all you can do is try and ride it out. I never try and hold the emotions in or I feel I would just burst.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Em said...

TV and media stuff sets me off. Before the IF stuff, I used to watch and read things and not even give it a I am drawn like a moth to a flame to it, even though it screws with my head.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

Dropping in from Newbie Blogland, USA.

I am glad you have the holiday to look forward to. The sad stuff is just so draining. I hope the time off recharges your batteries.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Oh that program sounds like one to avoid. I know how you feel about going back to school. Daunting thought. I hope you feel better matey. Come and visit at my new site.

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I hope you first days back at work were o.k. Not long now until your holiday!


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