Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Am I setting myself up for a fall?

I don't know what's happening lately, but apart from the constant nausea, I'm feeling fantastic emotionally and don't seem to be having the anger flashes. I keep thinking I'm heading for a fall, after all I turned 41 on Wednesday, I have millions of reports to write, lots of corrections before I can write the reports and numerous pregnancies around me. Not to mention a large IVF debt on my credit card that is hanging around after a few emergencies around the house. ( Large wattle tree in front yard falling, laundry taps refusing to turn off etc.)

I had my party on Melbourne Cup Day and even though J and I didn't sit down and it was 32 degrees, we had a great time. We cooked Sri Lankan curries, organised some cup sweeps and the hens and I got stuck into the champers. I laughed, bitched and swore with them like old times. We are such a clique sometimes that when we are at work the posters for the students that say everyone should be your friend could be aimed at us. Our sole purpose going to the staff end of year break up is because there is free beer and wine and last year there was lots of great bitching material gathered from it.

For the first time in ages I didn't back a winner on Cup Day. My horses didn't run, although it looks like they will both run in races on Stakes Day on Saturday at Flemmington. Unfortunately I have to work, so I can't go to see them.

J gave me a Sri Lankan cricket shirt, Nigella Lawson's "Feast" and a gift voucher for JB HiFi because I want to stock up on chick flicks and comedy for early December and ER recovery. I will definitely get a copy of "Persuasion" (BBC staring Amanda Root) , "Pride and Prejudice" and then may be some more "Little Britain".

I have been baking lately and taken some leftovers from my party into work. So far I have been asked for recipes for my banana cake with custard icing and my yoyo biscuits.

My mood seems to be linked to the rather long time this IVF cycle is taking. It just seems so far away, that I carry on drinking coffee and having a drink a couple of times a week. I also finally lost some of the Gonal-F fat and when I went to buy a skirt for my party, I had to get a size 6 in the petite range. Although I'm sure Cup Day and the leftovers have been ruining the initial loss.

May be I can't trust happiness any more. In the back of my mind, now and then, I think about the cycle failing. How will I drag myself up out of the depression that inevitably comes with it?

8 Comments:

At 6:25 AM, Blogger Donna said...

I know it's hard to stay on the positive side when you are embarking on such a huge journey where the stakes are so high -- you will get through whatever happens because you have no choice, so I'm hoping that in the meantime you can think sometimes about how you are going to tell people the good news, along with how you are going to deal with the depression if it doesn't work out.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger heleen + rod said...

Yeah, that's a tricky one... And even when you have a succesful cycle you will experience similar emotions. But still try to enjoy the moments that are good.

 
At 8:24 PM, Blogger OvaGirl said...

Sounds like you've been having a ball! I think you have to just take this thing step by step, moment by moment and grab the good times while you can.

 
At 6:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, Happy Birthday!

Time can drag on forever while waiting to start treatments and for me, what always comes along with the countdown, is the complete ups and downs of imagining it working and then imagining it not working.

It does sound like you are keeping busy and that is so very helpful.

I just hope that this one works and you never have to go through this again.

 
At 1:52 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Happy belated birthday, Meg! You know the drill already but I guess that summer arriving very soon, your trip, your garden, the horses and J will maybe help to keep your mind off it. I know that some days I cannot think of anything else and then I get some short-lived peace. I hope you can find a way through this. Keep on keeping on, sweetie.

 
At 4:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a plan, you're on the train, and you've got your service leave approved. Keep reminding yourself of that. And then cook some food from that Nigella book. I find the chocolate gingerbread cake particularly comforting.

And happy birthday!

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Drew said...

Mate..
My latest life protocal - We all have nothing to loose and something very special to gain.
You hang in there sweetie - we are all here for you.

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger ankaisa said...

Happy Birthday! Altough I know it can be a not so happy event if you just hear the clock ticking away.

 

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