Am I setting myself up for a fall?

I don't know what's happening lately, but apart from the constant nausea, I'm feeling fantastic emotionally and don't seem to be having the anger flashes. I keep thinking I'm heading for a fall, after all I turned 41 on Wednesday, I have millions of reports to write, lots of corrections before I can write the reports and numerous pregnancies around me. Not to mention a large IVF debt on my credit card that is hanging around after a few emergencies around the house. ( Large wattle tree in front yard falling, laundry taps refusing to turn off etc.)

I had my party on Melbourne Cup Day and even though J and I didn't sit down and it was 32 degrees, we had a great time. We cooked Sri Lankan curries, organised some cup sweeps and the hens and I got stuck into the champers. I laughed, bitched and swore with them like old times. We are such a clique sometimes that when we are at work the posters for the students that say everyone should be your friend could be aimed at us. Our sole purpose going to the staff end of year break up is because there is free beer and wine and last year there was lots of great bitching material gathered from it.

For the first time in ages I didn't back a winner on Cup Day. My horses didn't run, although it looks like they will both run in races on Stakes Day on Saturday at Flemmington. Unfortunately I have to work, so I can't go to see them.

J gave me a Sri Lankan cricket shirt, Nigella Lawson's "Feast" and a gift voucher for JB HiFi because I want to stock up on chick flicks and comedy for early December and ER recovery. I will definitely get a copy of "Persuasion" (BBC staring Amanda Root) , "Pride and Prejudice" and then may be some more "Little Britain".

I have been baking lately and taken some leftovers from my party into work. So far I have been asked for recipes for my banana cake with custard icing and my yoyo biscuits.

My mood seems to be linked to the rather long time this IVF cycle is taking. It just seems so far away, that I carry on drinking coffee and having a drink a couple of times a week. I also finally lost some of the Gonal-F fat and when I went to buy a skirt for my party, I had to get a size 6 in the petite range. Although I'm sure Cup Day and the leftovers have been ruining the initial loss.

May be I can't trust happiness any more. In the back of my mind, now and then, I think about the cycle failing. How will I drag myself up out of the depression that inevitably comes with it?