Will Power (Not)

Yesterday was a bad day. I went to work for my parents and then after work went to the hairdressers. According to my card the last time I went was in March to have my hair coloured. My natural colour is mouse, which is not too bad as I'm 40 and there is no sign of grey. This is the same with my dad and I remember my Nana having mouse and no grey either. Any way an SMS comes in from one of the hen's as she is leaving hospital my SIL goes in and has a baby boy. All I can think of is how wonderful for them they get to have babies together and I should be part of their club, I would have been 7 months pregnant. I panic and ring J and some how manage to keep it together, sit through the hairdressers and get home. Walk in the door and have a massive nervy B. Tell J he is better off without me because I'm a negative bitch and can't feel happy for them as I'm focusing on my loss and lack of. I bawl uncontrollably for one hour in fetal position. Tell him that there is too much pain and suffering in the world and I can't see the point any longer. I tell him he is one of the lucky ones because he can keep going. I can't even watch the news at the moment without feeling sad. After the dramatics I felt much better. J reminded me that I have hormones coursing through my body and I hadn't slept properly for 4 nights because of period pains and a headache.

Today it was my Nephew's birthday. In the morning I quickly went to Fatland (the nearby shopping centre, so named as the odd occasion that I go people seem to walk around stuffing hot chips and other junk food in their faces). I went into a baby clothing store, at first everything was aok, I got some gorgeous clothes for my SIL's new baby. But this is weird I get to the counter and start to pay and the girl asks if I want their catalogue mailed to me. I politely decline but spend the next few minutes biting back tears and willing her to hurry up. WTF? Is it because I probably will never need their fucking catalogue? Oh no wait, I probably will as everyone around me gets knocked up in 5 seconds flat. God could you imagine that turning up every month along with the BFN?

Came home recovered slightly and went to my nephew's birthday. So cuuutte. He had a pirate theme. He loved the collection of plastic animals I got him. However, it was all too much and I said to J, I need to have a couple of reds. So I did. I had two over the 3 hours and it numbed the pain. My ute also demanded a piece of birthday cake, chocolate and white chocolate mud cake, so I gave in to it. Also gave my cousin, who just turned 39, my Dr's card as she is TTC and it's not happening. J said afterwards why did you do that, she will go and it will work and we will still be left behind. We base this on my SIL's sister (3 years TTC and various IUI's and Gift, with another DR, they switched to mine when I got pregnant and now are pregnant with twins).


The reds more or less worked as we went to the hospital afterwards and see my SIL and her baby. Although I couldn't hold him and blinked back tears when I first saw him. He looked so tiny and perfect. I tried to get in close to smell him, but my sense of smell is terrible and it was no use. On the way out, I started weeping again. I said to J we seriously need to discuss plan B, that is a life without having children. Neither of us want to adopt, it's basically our own biological children or none. This may sound harsh, but that's what we have decided and the only alternative we feel we can go with. J broke my heart because he said that it was him who was the dud and I started crying again. I told him that I love him so much and I'm so blessed to be married to him. So that was my weekend, a familiar pattern. Have my nervy B's, so I can resemble a relatively normal human being, looking after other people's children during the week. Now I just have to get through a mass hens visit to F's new baby after work on Monday. God IF totally does my head in.

PS: The clinic, God bless them, allowed me to get my blood test on Saturday, as I had to get into the inner city for work on Saturday and there is not much traffic. I was due for the blood test Monday and it saved me having to go through peak hour traffic.