I am grateful, but not for arsevice.

I am grateful for all that I have. My husband, our marriage, our life together(For most of my life I was single, I adore J). I'm also grateful for my family, friends, especially the hens, the money we earn, my dogs and things in general.I don't see, however, that these should some how, cancel out the grief and utter despair that I feel at times.


I grieve for my miscarried baby, I grieve for my fertility that has a finite time, I grieve for the 16 embryos we have transferred and most of all I grieve for the person I used to be. That naive person who knew nothing about IF, the mental, emotional,physical and financial burden. I have changed and I can't see anyway of going back. I wouldn't dream of putting a time frame on someone else's grief. To tell me that it's just my attitude that needs changing is to trivialise what I'm feeling and what I've been through.

Lately I've been pretty good, although I admit I have this bitchy, cycnical streak in me now. Lately I've been coping. Not today as this was the topic of conversation at work. I ended up a bawling mess and had to lie all day to people and say I had hayfever. This is not that far from the truth as the Syneral is giving me the hot wire down the sinus kind of pain.


While I'm at it, this will be my 6th IVF cycle and I did the following before, during and after each cycle, positive thinking, visualisation, the Anji CD's for IVF, meditation every morning, hypnotheraphy and mantras. I even believed the hypnotherapist when she said that I must be blocking that's why it won't work. So to say that I'm not thinking positively enough makes me feel like a total failure. It also frustrates me, makes me angry, upsets me. My Dr can't explain why the embryos don't implant , in fact no one in the IF medical field seems to be able to. I dream of the day that transfer can be the same as implantation. I now try to think realistically, no one can guarantee that this cycle will be a success, so I do have doubts and worries.


Yes in the past months I have felt dead inside, but that has gradually been changing. I'm not quite ready to give up IVF and will cope as best I can with the ups and downs. That sometimes means that I will be a mess, especially after a failed fresh cycle.


No my husband and I won't" just adopt". We have discussed life after IVF and it will be childfree. To me adoption would always be second best. This may sound harsh but at least I'm honest. I also don't feel a moral resposibility to adopt because we are infertile and there are orphans in the developing world. Why should that moral responsibility rest with us. I'm not slagging off any other bloggers who have decided to adopt. I know that there are people who can't contemplate doing IVF or other ART procedures. Different scenarios suit different people.


Lastly stress and relaxing. We are going on long service leave next year. Amazingly enough I usually don't feel that stressed at work. Sometimes I do. This, however, is not the cause of our infertility. My age means I have less viable eggs. My husband has been diagnosed with sperm that has a zona binding problem, no amout of relaxing will magically let the sperm penetrate the ova, that's why we do ICSI. If you want confirmation of the amasingly sexist IF world we live in, then try and find some answers for it. The answer is to put the woman through the hormones and surgery. They don't know much about it and there is no cure.


So I have come to these conclusions:

1. I will say life is unfair and I don't care what any of the Dr Anthony Wayne Dwyer Robbins "gurus" say. Fuck 'em, I won't keep picking at the thought that I am responsible for the embryos not implanting.

2. I will grieve as much and as long as I bloody well like. In fact most of the time I'm tooling along in life ok, then out of the blue something triggers it off.

3. I will get through this, but I just need my friends around me to be there and not to offer arsevice. I have to handle this my own way and sometimes I go backwards for a while. Your being there is enough. It's actually good not to focus on IF, to drink, swear, gossip etc.

4. Sometimes IVF totally takes over my life, but not all the time. This is just how it is, I can be on hormones that are making me sick, I can have up to 3-4 scans in a week whilst stiming, I have minor surgery, transfers and the two week wait. J and I have to try and plan our lives around these things.

5. Yes I'm happy for your pregnancies and I love your children. Sometimes I just can't face things as it is a reminder of what J and I don't have and what I consider my biggest disappointment/failure in my life. When I take a step back this is when I'm feeling vulnerable and is for my protection.

6. My nature is not to confront people, but this had to come out. I don't want to lose friendships here, in particular the hens, I can't tell you how much support you have given me by just being there. This is the place where I feel safe to vent and express myself. In real life I break down in tears when I try to explain it to you. A thanks for the continued support and carrying me through the snowstorm at Hotham, Banana for the laughs, F as usual for that mixture of kindness and toughness, Babs for the walks and talks and Wal for being the best SIL on earth.

7. A I will be persoanlly offended if you don't complain to me about your fanny and the stitches after the big event in a few weeks time.

When I first started this I was sobbing so hard I thought I would vomit. I had a hypo, which I haven't had for a while. I feel much calmer now although a little apprehensive as once it's published that's it. Can I live with how things will fall? I haven't taken the advice of my mum, who always told me to walk my dogs and then make my decsions.

Edited to added a massive thank you to Tertia who responded to my e-mail when I was in a very bad way yesterday. Her words were kind and as usual made perfect sense. To paraphrase she pointed out that it is not ungrateful to want to have children something that millions of people take for granted everyday. The one thing I'm very grateful for is to have found the blogging world.