Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

All Over (Again)

I got my period yesterday. I knew it was coming as a few days before I could finally read the signs. Before that I was unsure as the progesterone gel was giving me sore boobs among other things. Also my stomach was still swollen until a couple of days ago, so I couldn't feel my body. I've been a bit teary, but not as bad as before, probably because we have insurance, 4 embryos. I know I've said it before, but I actually prefer FETs as I don't have to go on any hormones.

It is hard emotionally as a friend went into labour yesterday and my SIL is due in two weeks. I'm only just keeping it together sometimes at work. The wanting to cry feeling comes and goes. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go any where near babies at the moment, I don't want to breakdown at the hospital or even at her house. It is just too humiliating. I'm preparing myself for my gorgeous nephew's 2 year old birthday party on Sunday.

I've decided not to eat chocolate, drink coffee or alcohol. I usually have a short break and then go off them again for a FET. This time I'll skip the headaches and stay off them. I have to keep reminding myself that this has worked once before. Yesterday a friend at work asked me how I was going and I only just held it together and told her that I didn't think it would work in the future and I said the mental, emotional, physical and financial toll is becoming too great. She is always optimistic and positive and I owe her a lot. When I came out of my shell,she acted like a catalyst for me to change my life ( but that's another post for the future). She's also pregnant and like all my family and friends it happened within months of trying.

Also on a sad note my MIL, SIL and I were all crying on the weekend. J's cousin G, I mentioned her in a previous post lost her baby at 4 months. They have found out that she has an incompetent cervix. J and I also felt guilty as I was jealous of her and when she fell pregnant, 3 months after going off the pill, J said everything in her life has always been easy. Just goes to show how fucking random and unfair life can be. It pisses me off and scares me when good people have these things happen to them. I hope this post is not too negative, thanks for the support.

10 Comments:

At 11:10 AM, Blogger Chan said...

(((HUGS))) Oh Meg, I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you this time. My heart is breaking for you.
Sending you lots of hugs.....

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger Eggs Akimbo said...

Meg. I'm sorry. I'm crap at giving comforting words but then again, who am I to assume that you wnat them from me. I am thinking of you.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger Betty said...

It's understandable that going to the hospital is difficult for you, take your time. Give yourself some space from these hard moments and be kind to yourself.

 
At 3:09 AM, Blogger Donna said...

Why does it always seem like we are completely surrounded by babies and pregnancy at our most vulnerable moments? Take care of yourself.

 
At 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger OvaGirl said...

Ahhh geez, I'm so sorry Meg. That's terrible. I'm very glad that you have some "insurance" and here's hoping one of those will do the trick. (Or more!)

It's also really hard to be surrounded by babies and pregnancies at this time. And I'm very sorry for the loss of your cousin's baby. It's sad and it's also scary. It's awful to think that you can try and try and finally fall pregnant and finally something like taht could happen.

Fuck, this stuff does my head in sometimes.

Good on you for giving up on coffee etc. It's so boring but I think it does help (says me who had a decaff soy latte and a piece of nougat yesterday)....anyway my Chinese fertility Goddess is a firm believer as is Francesca Naish and co.

 
At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry...it's just so disappointing. You're very welcome to join me on my atoll- I could use some company during the swim.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger Bittermama said...

I'm so, so sorry MC. I don't know how you can hold it together with impending births and birthdays.

I know exactly how you feel about being jealous of someone and then feeling guilty when they join the club. While it's good to know we're not alone, it's a fate we wouldn't wish on anyone.

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.

 
At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now. There is always something, isn't there?

I've given up coffee but I can't imagine giving up chocolate. You're a stronger woman than I!

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Aaaw, Meg. Your disappointment and hurt are palpable. I have been thinking about you and I am hoping that you can pick yourself up again.

 

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