All Over (Again)

I got my period yesterday. I knew it was coming as a few days before I could finally read the signs. Before that I was unsure as the progesterone gel was giving me sore boobs among other things. Also my stomach was still swollen until a couple of days ago, so I couldn't feel my body. I've been a bit teary, but not as bad as before, probably because we have insurance, 4 embryos. I know I've said it before, but I actually prefer FETs as I don't have to go on any hormones.

It is hard emotionally as a friend went into labour yesterday and my SIL is due in two weeks. I'm only just keeping it together sometimes at work. The wanting to cry feeling comes and goes. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go any where near babies at the moment, I don't want to breakdown at the hospital or even at her house. It is just too humiliating. I'm preparing myself for my gorgeous nephew's 2 year old birthday party on Sunday.

I've decided not to eat chocolate, drink coffee or alcohol. I usually have a short break and then go off them again for a FET. This time I'll skip the headaches and stay off them. I have to keep reminding myself that this has worked once before. Yesterday a friend at work asked me how I was going and I only just held it together and told her that I didn't think it would work in the future and I said the mental, emotional, physical and financial toll is becoming too great. She is always optimistic and positive and I owe her a lot. When I came out of my shell,she acted like a catalyst for me to change my life ( but that's another post for the future). She's also pregnant and like all my family and friends it happened within months of trying.

Also on a sad note my MIL, SIL and I were all crying on the weekend. J's cousin G, I mentioned her in a previous post lost her baby at 4 months. They have found out that she has an incompetent cervix. J and I also felt guilty as I was jealous of her and when she fell pregnant, 3 months after going off the pill, J said everything in her life has always been easy. Just goes to show how fucking random and unfair life can be. It pisses me off and scares me when good people have these things happen to them. I hope this post is not too negative, thanks for the support.