Everything goes wrong and a stealthy pregnancy announcement to boot.

Warning major whine coming up.

I feel like I have a sign on my forehead saying loser. On Thursday I knew it was all over. Another HPT in the morning with no double line and none of the strong indicators as last time. I broke down on Thursday night in the kitchen and we had a bit of a fight. J said it was too soon to know and why does he have to be the positive strong one all the time. I said there is a difference between positive thinking and denial/magical thinking. Also I know my body and I knew my period was coming. I said for him it's ok to rage at the world/unfairness of it all, but he didn't agree. He then said I don't know how to solve this. I said he can't, I just need to bawl and feel sorry for myself. All I need is for him to put his arms around me. So he did and I cried and I still felt sad but a little relieved.

Last night it was J's cousin's 18th birthday party. I didn't want to go. I also have a cold and sore throat at the moment. I had a premonition. My period had started and I said I bet G (one of his other cousins) is pregnant. Any way I went. G makes a bee line to me and begins her usual fishing expedition. She asks round about questions on the subject of are we trying, my miscarriage etc. Then she says she is 10 weeks pregnant, but not to tell the rest of the family. She has been trying since January and conceived after 3 months, she said how hard it was for her when she found out my SIL was pregnant. WTF? Try 2 and a half years. I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't an announcement to the whole Sri Lankan clan, there was already enough pregnancy talk and stomach rubbing going around on my SIL. Also I think she told me so I won't hear it that way. I'll tell my SIL though as we are too close not to. Somehow I managed to hold it together during the night. By 10.30 I'd had enough and said to J we have to go before I lose it.

So I cried all the way home. I told him how jealous I was of her. I felt all the panic overwhelming me. Many family and friends are now on the 2nd pregnancy and we're stuck with a BFN. J said it doesn't mean it won't happen for us there's not a finite amount of pregnancies to go around. It's just that it cuts, I feel defeated. Why does it have to be so fucking hard for us?

To top it off I thought my pay on Thursday would pay off the final $1100 left in medical bills from the stim and the thaw. It's taken me 2 months to get it down. Then J gets a $2000.00 dollar tax bill. (Australia has a very high tax rate and although the government is always banging on about saving and investing they tax any interest you earn as well). So now it will go towards that. I can't make extra house payments or get a new washing machine.

The spider bite blister that I mentioned last post has burst. I was watching TV on Wednesday night when I suddenly felt hot needles being jabbed into my leg. I now have a hole in my leg. Everyone is telling me to go to the doctors as it could be the flesh eating type. It seems a bit better at the moment so I haven't been. To be quite frank I'm tired of going to the doctors.

Some good news. One of my race horses came second yesterday at Flemington. Bad news I worked so couldn't go and forgot to punt on it. It paid $14.00 for the place. She is from the same sire as Makybe Diva who won the 2003 and 2004 Melbourne Cup and she is also a stayer. Let me clarify that I probably only own her tail as I'm in a syndicate and we have many shareholders and our horses luckily have paid their way. We never had to put more in other than the initial outlay 4 years ago. One of my dreams since I was kid is to own a Melbourne Cup winner. I've had my speech worked out for years when I accept the cup. How I let IF interfere with everything. Fancy forgetting to punt on my own horse, I even have a phone account for such emergencies.