Back in time

I was reading the comments on someone's blog the other day and it took me back to the time where I had these idealistic beliefs about getting knocked up. After all I was a yoga/fitness devotee, vegetarian, never have need to go to the doctor kind of a chic. I also had fertile friends and sister and was convinced I would be joining them in pregnancy. It was only a matter of months. Add to that my mother who began having kids at 30 to produce 4 of us and my Nana having her last child in her 40's.

A month before our wedding J and I had a fight because I wanted to start trying immediately for a baby ( conscious of my age 38 and the bloom of youth fading ( Jane Austen ?)). He thought that it wasn't right for me to be pregnant at our wedding. Eventually he agreed to forgo the condoms and I remember asking the hens if I would be bloated at the wedding if I was one month pregnant. WTF? I just reminded J of this and we started laughing (cynically).

Then I was convinced we would conceive a honeymoon baby in Tasmania. Even though we went at it like rabbits, it was a BFN.

No need to follow my Sri Lankan MIL's advice to let the milk boil over in our new house for fertility.

Then I gave myself 6 months.

I did shoulder stands after sex or at least elevated my legs.

I tracked my mucus.

I stopped having the occassoinal red wine and definitely no cocks and hens piss ons.

Then the doubts and panic started to creep in.

I went to a specialist. Numerous tests, still no answer. She suggested an ultra sound which showed a polyp. This led to a hysteroscopy, polyp removed, D and C, and everyone including me believing that I would now get pregnant. Friends had stories about friends who had one and were pregnant the next month, "cleaned out, you'll see".

Still nothing. Lots of assvice from friends telling me to relax.

We went on a blissful golfing holiday next to the Murray river. Still no pregnancy.

Then my doctor ran out of ideas. She put me on Clomid, even though I ovulated reguarly and there was no reason for not conceiving. She sent me to my current Dr. He looked at my file and said there is not reason why you shouldn't be pregnant. There was only one more test to do. I resigned myself to more procedures. But it was the zona binding test and J had to take it. His one and only sperm test before that he had passed with flying colours. When he got the results my heart broke. We had an answer but, I could see how upset he was. Men equate anything like this with an attack on their virility or manliness, which of course it isn't. It still breaks my heart. Their isn't a nasty bone in his body, I see him playing with our nephews and I see such a good father. It's all so bitter sweet. I only gained enough self esteem later in life to meet someone and I'm so grateful to have met J. I never particularly wanted a career, especially in teaching, and now that I have found someone to share my life with and have children it seems to be out of reach.

I was convinced that the first IVF would work, no worries. Now i just hope we can keep throwing money at more tries and I have the stamina to keep going.


I think about our discussions about house payments and how we would pay bills when I went on maternity leave. We rarely have these discussions now. Instead they are about the IVF bills, the stress and depression I battle. My feeling of running out of time, my age doesn't help all this.

I clicked on my wedding photos on my laptop the other day. It seemed preferable to writing my students reports. I found a picture of me, surrounded by the hens, the Yarra River in the background, we are all laughing, we are all a bit tipsy. I think back to that day the happiest day of my life and the best thing I have ever done. I want to recapture that happy, carefree, easy-going person. But I know she's gone forever. In her place is a bitter, sad person, who puts a mask on to face the world each day. Last week my Year 12 ESL students did their oral presentations, they were so good, their English was amazing. I kept praising them. One of my students turned to me and said "You are so happy today, what has happened?". I said to him yes I have been a bit sad lately, but I'm so impressed with everyone. Even when I have these fleeting moments of happiness the sadness comes back. I wonder if I'll ever be free of it?