Last Post

Just finishing off before I entirely delete this blog.

My boys are now 7 months old and I feel very lucky to be a mother. People always assume it must be hard looking after twins, but I tell them teaching was harder. I also don't tell them that infertility was much much harder than having the boys. I think I have survivor's guilt, it's hard to explain, but I don't want to hurt or offend someone inadvertently who is going through IF.

Also much harder was watching my cousin die over Christmas/ New Year after battling a rare cancer for 3 years. It kind if pisses me off when people ask me if she had kids ( she didn't), as if it's not as bad as it is. This was a young, fit beautiful person who comforted me during my IF and when she found out I was pregnant promised she would be there to hold my babies and she was. I expected to get old with my cousin, continue walking our dogs, staying at our holiday house, watching Carlton win and growing old together. Now my boys won't have the privilege of growing up with her.

I will come back in a few weeks and delete. To everyone who has been here and left comments thank you. The support was fantastic.

Amnio

Hi everyone thanks for the comments.

Amnio was on Monday and a little painful. I was OK as I didn't look at the needle. We paid extra to get the 24 hr result. That was for trisomy 13, 18 and 21. They were all clear. We have to wait for the rest, probably next week.

I'm feeling a lot better now the preliminary results are in. I still can't quite relax and we will hold off buying anything until later down the track. I'm seriously thinking of working up to 28 or 30 weeks. Most of my friends at work went to 34 weeks, but they are 10 years younger than me and had singletons. I feel like I have been running up a hill even when talking to my classes.

Also found out that we are having boys. My nephews are very excited. My sister and I need to explain to them that they are cousins and half brothers. 

Thanks again. I had time to catch up on a lot of blogs as my Dr gave me 3 days off work after the amnio.

If anyone is listening out there

I know it's been a long time but I want to finish off this blog and update.

2007 was a horrible year for us. We did another cycle of IVF and again nothing after transfers. Mid year we did PGD and all 10 embryos were duds. I couldn't stop crying for days and luckily it coincided with my holidays.

One more cycle after that, a transfer and BFN, but got the donor talk. I was in two minds about this but felt humbled when both my sisters and my sister in law offered. My younger sister cycled in December, but had to be canceled as she overstimmed and would have had OHSS if she went on.

2008: She cycled again in January and the transfer was successful. I had very good beta scores but started bleeding and my progesterone was dropping. I had to use more pessaries, but this didn't work and I miscarried in March at about 6 weeks. We did a FET after that but that didn't work.

I was in two minds about my sister cycling again as I know how it feels. She said that we got close and had to try again. So we did. I always knew my little sister was special, kind and caring. We were crying and she said I just want to make it right for you. So this last chance has worked. Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks pregnant with twins. We are still scared, but feeling a little bit more confident every day. It hasn't been without dramas as the same thing happened at the start betas rising and bleeding and progesterone falling. This time after my 4th Beta the nurses rang me at work and said get in here as fast as you can and we will inject you with gestone. Within 24hrs the bleeding had stopped,but not my shaking. My Dr gave me 3 days off so I could calm down. He also scanned me, just before I told him I was convinced that it was all over, instead we saw 2 sacs. So until I was 10 weeks, every second day I went to the hospital and had a gestone shot.

Our 12 week scan was very good and even though the nuchal folds were good and the overall scores good, we have an amnio on the 16th Feb. I'm nervous about it, but convinced it's the right thing to do.

And after all this time of TTC and on IVF I thought I wouldn't complain, but the nausea and vomiting have been intense. I spent the school holidays mainly in bed or on the couch. My Dr prescribed me anti nausea tablets but they don't work. In some way I welcome the vomitting and nausea as at least I know the pregnancy is still OK.

Still cautious but starting to breathe a little easier.

Saturday Transfer and M/C mentioned

Today after work I transfered 1 embryo, the last from the batch of 5. Things worked out as it was scheduled for 2.10pm, it was at the Royal Women's (2 blocks from work) and my Dr was only about 15 minutes late. My sister was working with me and was going to come in and look at it on the screen, but we were still busy and she had to stay at the shop. I hope that doesn't sound weird, she wouldn't have gone down the business end or anything like that. It hurt like crazy today, My Dr was finding it difficult to get into my cervix, so there was a fair bit of cramping and a bit of blood. The embryologist said embryo was perfect and doing what it was suppose to be doing. I said thanks and just said in my head "been there done that".




I asked my Dr if we could do PGD in the new year if this one follows the general pattern of the rest and he said ok. I have just had a quick glance at the PGD threads on IVF Connections and I'm in two minds now. I'll have to do more research over the next few weeks.




I'm also on antibiotics at the moment for a sinus infection. My Dr said it was ok to take them and transfer. It's not helping things with all the bushfire smoke around at the moment. We have our dogs' Christmas break up party tomorrow. The weather prediction is hot north winds and about 38, I actually hate getting the sun on me, so I'm not sure if we will go yet. Pity Leo is keen to defend his title as the dog that can eat the fastest. His technique is to not chew anything just swallow it.




My sister also had a Drs appointment today at the Women's. She miscarried 3 weeks ago and went in for a check up and pathology. The problem was trisnomy 13 (spelling?) and we were teary when she came back as she found out it was a girl. She says she is ok and her two little boys keep her busy. It's been good to talk about things with her.




That's all for the moment, hopefully I will catch up with the Melbourne girls soon. Wish I had better news to report.

Sunday

Just a quick update from work.

On Sunday we transferred two embryos, thawed out perfectly. I always hold my breath and get nervy about the phone ringing before hand. As usual they looked good on the screen. I just wish my ute would stop murdering them.

Good thing was I ovulated on Thursday so I didn't have to miss any work and could transfer on the Sunday. Some one I work with and can't stand had a go about the time off I've had. I was so upset as it's none of her business, I always have a Drs certificate and I still have 154 sick days that I've never used. The real piss off is that she is often away, probably more than me.

The Drs roster around on Sundays and I had a nice lady Dr. She was pregnant, I tried to avoid looking at her stomach, but J saw it as a good sign. I'm over signs and omens and I'm over positive thinking and any thing like that. It just makes me feel crazy.

A bit peeved at the price of a natural thaw cycle which has risen nearly 30%, I said to J it's not like any new technique or research has been added to the cycle, so why has it gone up by so much?

I think that was our 14th or 15th transfer, I've lost count. We have one embryo in storage.

Now the dreaded two week wait and no alcohol or coffee.


Also add Cup Day party went well. Unfortunately I forgot to eat except for a cup cake and champange. Then I ate a salad roll after everyone had gone. An hour later I threw it all up. I didn't feel drunk, but must have been. I had already got my present from J which was tickets to Dwight Yoakam I took a friend along as I know J would rather slash his wrists than sit through a country music concert. I felt so happy at the concert, I realised that a lot of the time I'm sad and unhappy, although I usually hide it from everyone.

I have been gradually catching up on people's blogs. I'm a little paranoid about reading and posting at work, in case I'm busted. After reports are out of the way I'll have a lot more time to read and post.

update, nothing new

I need to update as a record of what I have gone through, but I feel that it is disappointing for people as it is a list of -ve news.
The FET in June didn't work, nor did the one in July which was one embryo thawed out and one that didn't make it.

Then August 22 eggs and only 4 embryos. Two fresh and two for a FET and again nothing.

October and another Fresh cycle 18 eggs, lower dose of gonal. Five embryos.

Last week got a zero, after stupidly doing a POS test and getting two lines Friday and Saturday and then realising it was only 10 days after the trigger.

Now waiting for a wanding on Friday and will begin wee tests for a natural thaw cycle.


Still could be worse , caught up with a friend today who lost all 9 embryos in the thaw. She started down reg again today.


I just went through my stats, I'm not sure if they are completely accurate as I may have missed some.
149 eggs collected
36 embryos
5 died on thaw
6 Fresh transfers
7 FETs
one miscarriage
Making me feel like a total loser.

Looking forward to the Melbourne blogger meeting and my Melbourne Cup party where I will get off my brain. Actually bought some posh champange today Moet and Chandon (and I haven't even paid off my IVF bills!!!) The guy in the bottle shop asked if it was a gift and if I wanted it wrapped and seemed very surprised that it was for me and I wasn't even going to the cup. It was partly my birthday present to myself and I'll share it with my girlfriends.

Taking a break

I had my Beta today, it will be 0 as I got my period on Monday. I'm gearing up for a FET, which I'll get in before I go back to work. It's a natural thaw cycle so I don't have to worry about any medication, just that they actually thaw out.


I'm also expecting the karyotyping test results today. J and I are quite frankly sick and tired of everything. We don't know how much we can keep going. We feel like we are flogging a dead horse. I keep getting resentful of the money we are spending for no result. I think it has especially been pissing me off this month as our plumbing collapsed under the house and we had to spend $7000.00. It was the same day that the IVF bill came in. I'm also sick and tired of the mental, emotional and physical side of all this.


If we stop treatment we probably have no chance of conceiving naturally because of the zona binding issue. I think if it was just my age as a factor we would probably have more chance, although don't quote me on that, I think I saw some stats. some where on my travels in cyber space. We will be a child free couple as I've said before adoption is not an option. It's not what I want in life and I think I'll always carry around a sadness and bitterness, I just hide it.


I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I find it so depressing lately especially with some of the tragic outcomes friends have had recently. I feel like I'm reliving my miscarriage and I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do to help them. Sometimes in my really dark moments I sob uncontrollably and think over and over why did you die. Thanks for the support, I'll be back in a few weeks after this latest FET.