Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

5th Transfer some time next month

My Dr rang me last night and said he was sorry to hear the news. He said did I want to try again this cycle and I said yes. I told him I thought it was a numbers game and he agreed with me. The more transfers the more chance of getting pregnant. He also repeated that because I got pregnant in the past, he thinks it's possible again.
So a blood test tomorrow which I know the result of already and more waiting and whiz tests to detect ovulation.
Also it means my Beta will be due in my holidays so I get to relax a week or two after transfer.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Everything goes wrong and a stealthy pregnancy announcement to boot.

Warning major whine coming up.

I feel like I have a sign on my forehead saying loser. On Thursday I knew it was all over. Another HPT in the morning with no double line and none of the strong indicators as last time. I broke down on Thursday night in the kitchen and we had a bit of a fight. J said it was too soon to know and why does he have to be the positive strong one all the time. I said there is a difference between positive thinking and denial/magical thinking. Also I know my body and I knew my period was coming. I said for him it's ok to rage at the world/unfairness of it all, but he didn't agree. He then said I don't know how to solve this. I said he can't, I just need to bawl and feel sorry for myself. All I need is for him to put his arms around me. So he did and I cried and I still felt sad but a little relieved.

Last night it was J's cousin's 18th birthday party. I didn't want to go. I also have a cold and sore throat at the moment. I had a premonition. My period had started and I said I bet G (one of his other cousins) is pregnant. Any way I went. G makes a bee line to me and begins her usual fishing expedition. She asks round about questions on the subject of are we trying, my miscarriage etc. Then she says she is 10 weeks pregnant, but not to tell the rest of the family. She has been trying since January and conceived after 3 months, she said how hard it was for her when she found out my SIL was pregnant. WTF? Try 2 and a half years. I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't an announcement to the whole Sri Lankan clan, there was already enough pregnancy talk and stomach rubbing going around on my SIL. Also I think she told me so I won't hear it that way. I'll tell my SIL though as we are too close not to. Somehow I managed to hold it together during the night. By 10.30 I'd had enough and said to J we have to go before I lose it.

So I cried all the way home. I told him how jealous I was of her. I felt all the panic overwhelming me. Many family and friends are now on the 2nd pregnancy and we're stuck with a BFN. J said it doesn't mean it won't happen for us there's not a finite amount of pregnancies to go around. It's just that it cuts, I feel defeated. Why does it have to be so fucking hard for us?

To top it off I thought my pay on Thursday would pay off the final $1100 left in medical bills from the stim and the thaw. It's taken me 2 months to get it down. Then J gets a $2000.00 dollar tax bill. (Australia has a very high tax rate and although the government is always banging on about saving and investing they tax any interest you earn as well). So now it will go towards that. I can't make extra house payments or get a new washing machine.

The spider bite blister that I mentioned last post has burst. I was watching TV on Wednesday night when I suddenly felt hot needles being jabbed into my leg. I now have a hole in my leg. Everyone is telling me to go to the doctors as it could be the flesh eating type. It seems a bit better at the moment so I haven't been. To be quite frank I'm tired of going to the doctors.

Some good news. One of my race horses came second yesterday at Flemington. Bad news I worked so couldn't go and forgot to punt on it. It paid $14.00 for the place. She is from the same sire as Makybe Diva who won the 2003 and 2004 Melbourne Cup and she is also a stayer. Let me clarify that I probably only own her tail as I'm in a syndicate and we have many shareholders and our horses luckily have paid their way. We never had to put more in other than the initial outlay 4 years ago. One of my dreams since I was kid is to own a Melbourne Cup winner. I've had my speech worked out for years when I accept the cup. How I let IF interfere with everything. Fancy forgetting to punt on my own horse, I even have a phone account for such emergencies.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

So far....

I did a pregnancy test this morning and nothing. I'm not sure how many days past transfer I am is it 7 or 8? The FET was last Weds. I have some cramping going on and backache, but I don't remember feeling quite the same last time. I also seem to have aching off and on in my ovaries. My boobs were killing me last time, although they aren't this time they seem to be bigger. I feel tired but it has been the week from hell at school this week. My husband says it's too early to tell and I shouldn't have done the HPT. But I'm sure that last time at around the same time I got a positive. So I'm a little worried, but my husband's not. I thought implantation happens at around day 7 but I'm not sure.

If it doesn't work I'm blaming my job and will seriously consider long service leave next term. This week I taught all day Monday. With one of the naughty classes I teach ( I stand in front of and manage to keep control) the coordinator came in and went through them for giving another teacher a hard time. Apparently some had run away from class, thrown footys around and when she confiscated them stolen them out of her bag.

Tuesday was a field trip to a national park with 3 Year 8 Geography classes. On the way up we constantly had to tell kids off and move them up the front of the bus. At the park one of the students was rude to the ranger at the end of his talk. Then on the bus ride back a kid threw an apple from the back of the bus just missing my head and hitting the bus driver's seat. ( He's suspended). To top it all off a spider or something has bitten me on the leg and I now have a big red fluid filled blister the size of a ten cent piece.

Taught all day yesterday. Last period in a Year 7 class confiscated a homemade knife off a student, who is constantly pushing and shoving other kids.

Today is my good day only 3 on. I'll be so pissed if I cop an extra.

Did I mention I teach in a very good state school?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Quick Update

Transferred yesterday at 8.30 am. Two embryos, thawed out perfectly.I was expecting to go back to work. My Dr asked if I wanted the day off and I said no, too busy. Then he said I'll give you a certificate any way. On the way out my husband said to take the day. I made the decsion driving down the freeway. My turn off is a few before school's. I was cramping during and after the procedure (like a painful period). My Dr said this is a good thing. I don't know why. So I relaxed at home, sort of. I did a bit of housework and had a sleep. My SIL called me at home panicking thinking something went wrong. I'm lucky to have such an understnding friend. (Her sister and brother-in-law are now with my Dr and had pick-up today)

I'm back at work tonight as we have information night for next years Year 7's. So I don't feel too bad about missing yesterday. Also because I worked at the school production last week. I'm going home in between to listen to my Anji (IVF/relaxation) CD.

So now I'm in that annoying no man's land. My Dr said I have to call him as soon as I find out either way. I just want to be pregnant and out of here. I want it to be my turn.
Thanks everyone for your support. I think I'll know if it takes early as last time I had nausea and a superhero sense of smell about 6 or 7 days after transfer.

Monday, May 16, 2005

FET on Wednesday

I went out with the hens on Sunday for a late lunch. So much for abstaining from alcohol. We bought a cheap bottle of red and all had some. I had 2 glasses and immediately felt pissed. The tell tale signs of rosacea are in the photos. It doesn't take much. I put it down to being brought up in a strict teatotalling family, therefore I never developed a tolerance to it, and only being 5 foot 2. It was fun as we laughed, gossiped and forgot about things for a while. I even coped with pregnancy talk although I still kept wishing I was pregnant and part of that club with my friends.

I'm trying to keep positive. I don't mean in that ridiculous "baby dust" "sticky thoughts" way. As much as I love, when I first saw some of that stuff I was a little embarrassed. I resent people telling me I have to think positive and relax. I do yoga, meditation, those ivf relaxation cds and hypno once a week . I can't explain to people how positive I have been in the past. How much I willed IVF to work, how much I tried to hold on to my baby. In the end it's mentally exhausting and you have to let reality in or go insane. Even then I have small nervy B's.

I surged on Sunday morning and cancelled my blood test. Transfer is on Wednesday. I don't know what time yet as I have to call the nurses tomorrow. I'm hoping it is in the afternoon as I'm not teaching classes and it will be easier to get away from school. It's exciting but nerve wracking as well. I just want it to work and I want to be pregnant again. I don't know how I'll handle a crash, even with 5 in storage.

Friday, May 13, 2005


On Monday I had a scan to see if I'm about to ovulate and to check the lining. Got the ok, everything seems to be on track. I have to continue checking my wee for the surge. It's often hard to tell if the line is darker enough or not. I also had a blood test done and was almost late for work.

I had a scan again yesterday and everything looks good. My doctor said I'm about to fire off the right ovary, but it could be a few more days. I told him it would be late like after the stim cycle in December. He said it's hard to know. When I told him I have 28 day cycles and have always monitored them, he looked a bit surprised. It must seem a bit obsessive but I hated being caught out, especially as I played a lot of sport and swam etc. It didn't mean I stopped these activities but I was prepared.

If the wee test doesn't show a surge by Sunday, I have an 8.00am blood test. Bang goes a small sleep in before dog training. At least I'm not working this Saturday in the family business as I need to do a million things. One of which is to see my youngest sister who had her second baby on Tuesday. She knew I was working long hours so I haven't seen her and I just find it too confronting at the moment going into hospital. I rang her and will go over tomorrow. I hope I don't lose it, I don't think I can hold my new nephew yet.

I actually feel a lot better at the moment and I put it down to being so busy that I don't have time to think about IF and the piles of corrections I have been transporting home each night and ignoring. I've been working back late doing the make-up for the school musical, so I when I get home I'm too tired to think about anything. I'm also looking forward to Sunday as the hens are going out for afternoon tea (tiffen). Only 2 hens can get maggotted as 3 are pregnant and I'm abstaining from alcohol leading up to the FET. I wish I was still pregnant and then it would have been the 4 of us all with in a few months of each other. I still get those sad feelings when I think like that.

So next week should be the FET, it always amazes me how quick they are. Then it's the horrible 2 week wait. I'll have to think of ways to distract myself and I'm scared of the possible BFN, especially since I've only just started to feel a bit better.

Even though I've been doing the make up for the school musical, I'm not going to see it. I think the students are very talented and brave. It's just that I find musicals irritating. I felt like I had wasted a few hours of my life when I went to see "Moulin Rouge". Ban (hen) put it well. She said she would have rather slid down a water slide with razor blades on the side into a pool full of vinegar. My one exception to musicals is the film "Cabaret", Liza Minelli is amazing and not as mental as she is now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Personal Question Attack at the Photocopier

I'm having a hard time. I can't seem to pull myself out of the sadness and worry. I just don't feel normal, there are always tears not far from the surface. I feel safe at home and being with my husband. Other than that I'm messy. It seems to be particularly bad at work.

Ban (hen) saw me in the photo copy room and told me how much the hens are worried about me and stuff. I had a bit of a cry and said I can't help it, things are setting me off all the time and I need to withdraw. She said that can be good, it can also mean healing. So I felt better. Then she left and I said I would meet her at her desk to look at her new mobile. Enter the biggest school gossip. She charged me and started firing rapid personal questions at me. Are you pregnant again? Are you still trying? Are you trying now? Are you going back again? (what ever the fuck that's suppose to mean). I mumbled some answers then told her I didn't want to talk about it. But now felt like shit again. She might as well have asked what position and how often.

When I got home I told J, he was a little shocked. My only explanation is that she goes on long service leave today and wanted the latest gossip, so she could pass it on to the other gossips. Like her final coup. I felt like writing a big annonymous "Fuck off then to Europe" on her card, instead I didn't write anything.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Here we go again

My period came on Friday. I had to talk in code to the nurse when I rang to inform her it was day 1. Everyone was in our office and I was teaching all day, as time is limited as to when to contact them, I just had to let her fill in the blanks. I'm particularly wary of one of the biggest gossips in the school she told me on Friday morning that she knew all about my miscarriage. I told her I couldn't talk about it and went to the photocopy room teary. I was pissed off, I know the other big gossip told her and now everyone in the school will know. I also hadn't thought about it that morning and felt reasonably normal.

The funny thing about this period is that it is like the one's I used to get in high school and uni. That is very painful. Lots of cramping and pain. This may be because I now weigh 54-55 kgs about 5 kgs heavier than when we started all this in May, thanks to 4 stim cycles and depression. Or could it be too much coffee, too much vodka? Since last weekend my husband and I have been drinking vodka and lime before dinner every night. I usually feel a little pissed after one glass and would sometimes go on to a 2nd or 3rd.

With the arrival of my period I have begun cutting down the caffeine to one green tea in the morning and no alcohol. I made a chocolate marble cake yesterday, but as that failed ( the 2nd time with this recipe) I haven't eaten chocolate either. I'll cut the green tea out sometime during the week. I cut caffeine out last time and was fanatical about it while I was pregnant, even though it made no difference in the end.

I must admit to having a few very irrational thoughts during the last few days. I have had people say the familiar old story to me many times. Their friend's friend's cousin did IVF (insert amount of times) then they stopped and they got pregnant naturally. I was thinking why can't I be that person? Then I remembered the egg retrieval. Still that story is guaranteed to piss me off and it always comes back to haunt me when my period turns up.

One good thing with the publicity going on here with the government wanting to limit IVF is that they have been interviewing people going through IVF. One couple featured in the newspaper had 11 transfers before success and estimated they had spent $30,000 on their treatments. This will hopefully stop some people from thinking that it works on the first go and that is free.