Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Day 10

Had a scan today in preparation for the FET. J came with me because he was working in the city today and he needed to catch the train. I told him I had a lot of questions to ask, so as soon as my Dr walked in he told him. Then I forgot most of the questions. This is what I remember, lining is 9mm thick, firing off right ovary and no he didn't think our embryos were crap.

So it's the same old frustration, can see myself ovulating, but know in our case it means squat. Just waiting for the surge now, I expect it to be later as my normal 28 day cycle is usually longer after stims.

A bit of a dilemma as J turns 35 on the weekend and we are having his cousins over for lunch. I really wouldn't mind a few reds on Sunday, but it's getting close to the FET and I don't want to ruin my chances. Even a beer would go down well as we are having Sri Lankan food and I love my chili. I'll have to play it by ear. I also feel a little uncomfortable drinking in front of my MIL in case she thinks I'm ruining my fertility or something.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Will Power (Not)

Yesterday was a bad day. I went to work for my parents and then after work went to the hairdressers. According to my card the last time I went was in March to have my hair coloured. My natural colour is mouse, which is not too bad as I'm 40 and there is no sign of grey. This is the same with my dad and I remember my Nana having mouse and no grey either. Any way an SMS comes in from one of the hen's as she is leaving hospital my SIL goes in and has a baby boy. All I can think of is how wonderful for them they get to have babies together and I should be part of their club, I would have been 7 months pregnant. I panic and ring J and some how manage to keep it together, sit through the hairdressers and get home. Walk in the door and have a massive nervy B. Tell J he is better off without me because I'm a negative bitch and can't feel happy for them as I'm focusing on my loss and lack of. I bawl uncontrollably for one hour in fetal position. Tell him that there is too much pain and suffering in the world and I can't see the point any longer. I tell him he is one of the lucky ones because he can keep going. I can't even watch the news at the moment without feeling sad. After the dramatics I felt much better. J reminded me that I have hormones coursing through my body and I hadn't slept properly for 4 nights because of period pains and a headache.

Today it was my Nephew's birthday. In the morning I quickly went to Fatland (the nearby shopping centre, so named as the odd occasion that I go people seem to walk around stuffing hot chips and other junk food in their faces). I went into a baby clothing store, at first everything was aok, I got some gorgeous clothes for my SIL's new baby. But this is weird I get to the counter and start to pay and the girl asks if I want their catalogue mailed to me. I politely decline but spend the next few minutes biting back tears and willing her to hurry up. WTF? Is it because I probably will never need their fucking catalogue? Oh no wait, I probably will as everyone around me gets knocked up in 5 seconds flat. God could you imagine that turning up every month along with the BFN?

Came home recovered slightly and went to my nephew's birthday. So cuuutte. He had a pirate theme. He loved the collection of plastic animals I got him. However, it was all too much and I said to J, I need to have a couple of reds. So I did. I had two over the 3 hours and it numbed the pain. My ute also demanded a piece of birthday cake, chocolate and white chocolate mud cake, so I gave in to it. Also gave my cousin, who just turned 39, my Dr's card as she is TTC and it's not happening. J said afterwards why did you do that, she will go and it will work and we will still be left behind. We base this on my SIL's sister (3 years TTC and various IUI's and Gift, with another DR, they switched to mine when I got pregnant and now are pregnant with twins).

The reds more or less worked as we went to the hospital afterwards and see my SIL and her baby. Although I couldn't hold him and blinked back tears when I first saw him. He looked so tiny and perfect. I tried to get in close to smell him, but my sense of smell is terrible and it was no use. On the way out, I started weeping again. I said to J we seriously need to discuss plan B, that is a life without having children. Neither of us want to adopt, it's basically our own biological children or none. This may sound harsh, but that's what we have decided and the only alternative we feel we can go with. J broke my heart because he said that it was him who was the dud and I started crying again. I told him that I love him so much and I'm so blessed to be married to him. So that was my weekend, a familiar pattern. Have my nervy B's, so I can resemble a relatively normal human being, looking after other people's children during the week. Now I just have to get through a mass hens visit to F's new baby after work on Monday. God IF totally does my head in.

PS: The clinic, God bless them, allowed me to get my blood test on Saturday, as I had to get into the inner city for work on Saturday and there is not much traffic. I was due for the blood test Monday and it saved me having to go through peak hour traffic.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

All Over (Again)

I got my period yesterday. I knew it was coming as a few days before I could finally read the signs. Before that I was unsure as the progesterone gel was giving me sore boobs among other things. Also my stomach was still swollen until a couple of days ago, so I couldn't feel my body. I've been a bit teary, but not as bad as before, probably because we have insurance, 4 embryos. I know I've said it before, but I actually prefer FETs as I don't have to go on any hormones.

It is hard emotionally as a friend went into labour yesterday and my SIL is due in two weeks. I'm only just keeping it together sometimes at work. The wanting to cry feeling comes and goes. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go any where near babies at the moment, I don't want to breakdown at the hospital or even at her house. It is just too humiliating. I'm preparing myself for my gorgeous nephew's 2 year old birthday party on Sunday.

I've decided not to eat chocolate, drink coffee or alcohol. I usually have a short break and then go off them again for a FET. This time I'll skip the headaches and stay off them. I have to keep reminding myself that this has worked once before. Yesterday a friend at work asked me how I was going and I only just held it together and told her that I didn't think it would work in the future and I said the mental, emotional, physical and financial toll is becoming too great. She is always optimistic and positive and I owe her a lot. When I came out of my shell,she acted like a catalyst for me to change my life ( but that's another post for the future). She's also pregnant and like all my family and friends it happened within months of trying.

Also on a sad note my MIL, SIL and I were all crying on the weekend. J's cousin G, I mentioned her in a previous post lost her baby at 4 months. They have found out that she has an incompetent cervix. J and I also felt guilty as I was jealous of her and when she fell pregnant, 3 months after going off the pill, J said everything in her life has always been easy. Just goes to show how fucking random and unfair life can be. It pisses me off and scares me when good people have these things happen to them. I hope this post is not too negative, thanks for the support.

Monday, August 08, 2005


I had my transfer yesterday Sunday and I'm quite happy with the results. I spent Friday and Saturday feeling nauseous and bloated and thinking it was OHSS beginning. I told J I was going to lie about the symptoms to get a fresh transfer done. As it turned out the nausea went away on Sunday along with some of the bloating and now I'm only a little bit sore, like I have just played a game of netball or basketball after a few weeks off.

We got 10 or 11 mature eggs out of the 19, I can't remember which. Out of that we have 6 very good embryos. So yesterday we had 2 put back, then I spent the day at South Bank. We met J's brother and SIL, who I work with. We ate lunch and then went to see our MIL in the Millennium Choir. There were lots of different acts on and it was a welcome distraction. Then we went straight to my parents' house for more food and my fix of nephews M and baby G. Every week thet get cuter.

My Dr rang me on Saturday night to see how I was. He was worried I was hyper again and also because it was Sunday he told me he wouldn't be doing the transfer. I already knew this as the nurse told me, so it was nice of him to ring. He also told me I did well and how much he hopes this will work. He's so kind that I feel like crying when he rings. The Dr filling in also carefully questioned me about OHSS and thinks that the bloating is normal after that many eggs. He also remembered me from my first transfer when my Dr was on holidays. This prompted immature foulness from me when I left the hospital, telling J he never forgets a muff he's met.

One weird thing was the couple having the transfer before us. The women was so skinny with the tightest jeans on. I was complaining afterwards to J how anyone can be so thin after stims. I seem to blow up like a puffer fish. I can only fit into a few items in my wardrobe at the moment. I'm meant to be weighing myself every day but can't bear to. I'm pretty sure I won't go OHSS.

My SIL and I were gossiping about work as she is now on maternity leave. She said one of the teachers we are friends with asked if he could take photos of her and F ( another hen) pregnant. My SIL was embarrassed and said not in the nude,in fact she doesn't want her photo taken with her clothes on ( now's the time to mention that my SIL is absolutely stunning and the nicest person.). He said they could wear a bra and cover their vaginas. I couldn't stop pissing myself laughing. We kept carrying on that he had used the V word, and why doesn't he get his own wife knocked up and take pervy pictures of her. This is the same friend who had a wedding that was 2 vows long, in a park, we all had to bring our own booze and multicultural food to share, it was 40 degrees and the vows ended with we know you will take your rubbish home with you. He kept coming up to my SIL and I telling us to bring Sri Lankan picnic food to it. What Sri Lankan Picnic food?? The whole day all us hens were worried about salmonella food poisoning. After a couple of hours I spat the dummy and said I was over it. Everyone came back to my house and had showers ( it was a dusty park) and we kept boozing and eating.

That's it for the moment. I have just ignored all my work so I could blog. I've got the 2 week wait now and 6 week wait until holidays. It's good to have some embryo insurance in the bank although I know that's not a always a guarantee after the last three went belly up.

Friday, August 05, 2005


Thanks for the well wishes everyone.

The anesthetic hadn't kicked in and the nurses were pulling me down to the end of the table. When the sheet fell off my right leg the nurse asked me about the particularly nasty scratch on my right leg. I told her it was a 3 month old spider bite and then fell asleep. J said both nurses and the anesthetist all came and had a look at it. Luckily I had my legs waxed on Monday. I didn't think it was that bad there's hardly a hole there any more. Apparently before I went under J said I told the nurse it was a white tailed spider bite, which I don't remember saying and have no idea what kind of spider bit me. When I woke up in recovery I thought they hadn't done the retrieval, it always seems so quick. This time I had to have some pain killers as my left side was caning. So at the moment I feel a little sore and tired. Otherwise I'm pretty happy.

They retrieved 19 eggs, which means they won't cancel a fresh transfer. They do that if you are 20 or over, like last time. So now I wait with baited breath to see what we will end up with for transfer on Sunday.

Thanks again everyone's support has been fantastic.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I trigger tonight at 7.00. This is very convenient as I don't have to miss my yoga nidra class. My teacher holds them once a month and they are fantastic for coping with IVF stuff. I'm in hospital at 7.15am on Friday. It's also good as I miss only one day of work. Although I'm not going to work for my parents on Saturday, they won't let me. Instead I'll go to acupuncture. I hope we get a good crop. I'm a little apprehensive and scared, especially since we lost the last 3 embryos in the thaw. I also want to do a fresh transfer as we have only ever done one before.

I was reading Panda's blog before and it reminded me of how ironic life can be. When I met J he asked me to marry him after 20 days, we kept it quiet for about 5 weeks before announcing it. A few of the bitches at work started spreading rumours that I must be pregnant. So weird how life works out sometimes.

Monday, August 01, 2005


Had a scan Friday and everything is on track. Had a scan today and again everything looks fine. Saw my Dr at 7.00am bless him, I still had time to see the nurses, race my trigger home to the fridge and get to school 30 minutes before the bell. It looks like I have 14 to 15 and he is hoping I don't repeat last pick up where I mysteriously produced 26 after he scanned and only saw 16. So the nurse will ring me tomorrow to let me know if it is on Thursday or Friday.

Feeling a bit bloaty, but not too uncomfortable at the moment. Very thirsty and have been taking a water bottle to class with me. Also because last week I had a sore throat and cough and had to have water to stop myself choking to death in front of the students. By Friday morning I had a dirty telephone type voice, by the afternoon I had no voice at all. That's almost cleared up, which means I can go under, no worries.

Speaking of which I think I'm becoming addicted to going under. I love the feeling just as the anesthetic takes affect. It's as if you have no problems, a brief holiday form IVF and IF.

On Saturday J went for his first acupuncture visit. I got home from work and asked him how he went. He claimed that his hand was swollen and the needles hurt especially the one in his stomach. You can probably guess there wasn't much sympathy from me on that one. I just laughed and told him he must have needed the acupuncture really badly for his body to react like that.