Down Under

I created this blog to help me as I go through IVF. I feel quite isolated and have found other blogs very helpful. I need somewhere to vent and ramble on, whilst I'm probed and prodded down under.

Sunday, December 25, 2005


Thanks everyone for the advice. Sorry I haven't been able to thank everyone personally, but we only broke up on Wednesday and I had last minute shopping to do. We also had my family over for Christmas Eve and then we went to J's family today. I cooked a Christmas pudding and Nigella's chocolate and gingerbread cake. We also did a BBQ and other stuff for my family do.

I'm going to ask for some blood tests, I think they have ones for immune issues or infections. I'm still not sure but will ask my doctor. Lining doesn't seem to be an issue, I've been suspicious in the past and asked him. He always says it's fine and he wouldn't let me go on with transfer if it wasn't. I also don't have any hormones during my FETs not even progesterone gel. It probably comes down to age in the end.

Today I came out of the IVF closet to J's cousin G. I told her she can tell others in the family if she wants. It's good to be out, even though I won't be broadcasting what's going on. When mum told my close cousins I was doing IVF I was quite mad at her, but she said it was nothing to be ashamed of. I thought about that and realised that in some ways I am. It's this little niggling thought, that I'm a failure, that I'll probably never succeed at what my body is suppose to do relatively easily.

I was a bit teary today, but on the whole I've been coping well. I'm walking the dogs every morning early before it gets too hot. I'm also doing my yoga every day. I've decided to do yoga even through the FET if we have it this month. Speaking of which on Friday I went for my blood test and asked the nurse if I could do the FET this month. She said ok if I ovulate at the right time, I think the clinic is closed for a few weeks. Last year the clinic had only reopened a day or two when we did a FET and that's when I got pregnant. It just seems so depressing that it is almost a year ago. She was supposed to ring me back that day. I was boiling my pudding all day and doing housework and realised it was 5.00pm, the clinic had well closed and no phone call. Now I don't know what's going on. I didn't call my Dr even though he told me to as soon as I knew the result. I thought he would find out soon enough from the nurses. I have to try and ring between Christmas and New Year and I'm not even sure they are open then. On top of all that I'm working in the family business from Wednesday onwards as my brother is lifeguarding these holidays at the surf beach.

Inappropriate Christmas Present, Can you top this?
On Wednesday we broke up from school and one of the teachers who bats for the same side gave one of the hens a weird present. It was a blow up sex doll with a vibrating cock. The hen was somewhat taken aback as were we all. Physical Education AFL FootyJock and good friend (PEJ) was helping her load things into the car including this.
PEJ: Do you think he used it?
Hen: What? NO. But should it come in plastic or something.
PEJ: I think he used it.
Hen: OMG!! He just walked past. Do you think he heard?
PEJ: Yeah the wind was going that way.

Hen: explains present to me.
Meg: Faints Jane Austen heroine style wiping brow, "I can feel a law suit coming on. How does early retirement sound?"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


I got my period today. It was not a surprise as I had been having some precursor cramps for a few days running and I'd HPTed. I feel like a dog that has been beaten, I seem to be expecting failure.

The fertilization threw J. He is usually optimistic and full of hope. This cycle he went all out. He continued the acupuncture and not drinking. He also added daily Chinese herbs and vitamin E to his regime. We were hoping that this would influence embryo quality and we would get a decent amount of eggs fertilized. Instead we got a worse result than we usually get.

I think the thing I hate most about this whole thing is that it seems so random. I hate it being out of my control. I'm sick and tired of doing this, not doing that. Cycle after fucking cycle. I feel like we are going around in circles.

So I need your help. Your expertise. I have one frozen embryo left, if that doesn't work out, then I will cycle again. I think that I have to do something different. It seems to me that it is coming down to implantation issues. Nearly all embryos put back have been grade 1 and 2. My Dr often comments on how good they look. I need to know what tests to ask my DR for. I'm not sure what kinds of tests there are for implantation, but I have come across some stuff on it.

I haven't cried much at all with this failed cycle. I feel like another little bit of me has turned to stone. I feel angry and pissed off. I got the last bill for the cycle yesterday, I don't feel like paying. Probably because I've been flat out at work I haven't really had time to take it all in.

Thanking you all in advance for any advice as long as it's not "relax" (Which is what a fill in hypnotherapist told me was the only reason why women are unable to conceive.)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Just got back from transfer and things haven't gone that well. There is good news as we transferred 2 embryos, one grade 1 and the other grade 2. I'm grateful for this.

However we only have one to freeze a grade 2. They ICSIed 15 (more than any other time) and they were looking good. Then they went belly up. They even thought I would have 4 or 5 more to freeze, but they didn't make it.

On other down reg. cycles I've had the same results. I seem to have more to freeze on flare cycles. I actually asked my DR if I my eggs were too old and crap, I feel a bit bogan using the word crap, I should have said poor quality or something. He said no that sometimes these things happen and they can't explain it. He thinks I should keep trying if this doesn't work out.

I think my Dr is fantastic. He is so reassuring and told me to call him as soon as I know the result. We also discussed the state of IVF funding in Australia. He thinks that there won't be limits put on it or a cut in the government paying half. We talked about how the new premises are fantastic. He asked if I noticed the logo on the doors. It just says Melbourne and has a little circle. He said it was for our privacy as people don't understand IVF and judge it without knowing any thing about it. Then on the way out he was walking back to the hospital from the clinic and he showed me where they are constructing a walk way from the hospital to the new clinic so we won't have to go in from the street.

Ironically this is the first day that I haven't felt nauseous since going on BCP in October, now I feel that sick to my stomach dread feeling.

Being the tragic that I am I have just scoffed half a pineapple and have the other half for tomorrow. Even if it doesn't help implantation at least it was delicious.

I'm off for my acupuncture and herbs now.

Perhaps I should roll around naked in baby dust when I get home.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


21 eggs retrieved. Feeling pretty sore and a bit nauseous.
I'll know more tomorrow afternoon when we find out how many fertilized and when transfer will be.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Here we go again

At 7.00 tonight. Pick up at 7.00am on Wednesday.

Not a moment too soon, I feel like a stuffed sausage.

Saturday, December 03, 2005


Had another scan today and this time there are 10 follices in each ovary. I ring on Monday to find out when to trigger and have dropped the Gonal down to 112. I hope I trigger that night as I'm very uncomfortable and woke up a couple of times last night with pain in the ovaries. Also I feel very bloated and most of my clothes are tight now. I look down in horror at my thunder thighs. Any jarring movement when I walk is also uncomfortable.

I keep vaguing out and forgetting things. It's a bad case of Gonal brain.

J and I are still laughing about the comment yesterday.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Remember this gosshead (scroll down to "personal attack at photocopier") well today we were in a planning meeting and I had to confess that I wouldn't be at the following two next week as I was going to be away a few days. I said minor operation but not sure how long I would be away. After the meeting she pulled me aside and aked me if I was being inseminated. I was taken aback because:
a) She is not suppose to know about any of this stuff, so someone's blabbed.
b) I didn't even want to tell her I would be away, but felt obliged to as we are planning massive changes for next year. I was just being polite.
c) WTF is that anyway? It sounds like a farmer talking about his bull and cows.

Next time I"ll just let the timetabler know I'm out and pretend it was a sudden virus or something.

I was so flabbergastred that I lied and said no, it's nothing and walked off. At least J and I have got some laughs out of it and will now probably use the term to refer to ER.

What's the worst thing someone's said to you about IF, ART etc?

Thursday, December 01, 2005


I don't have many stats. to report, in fact I feel a little bit left out. The clinic I go to doesn't appear to do blood tests during stims, at least I've never had one.

I can report that at the muff wanding this morning there were 8 follicles in each ovary. They are still small, although they feel bigger and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. I stay on the 225 of Gonal-F and go back for a scan on Saturday morning before work. Interesting thing is that I maintain the dosage, often I have to start dropping back by now. I think this may be the difference between when I have done flare cycles and down reg. cycles, this is the longest down reg. I've done. My Dr said that I'm on track and he won't increase the dosage as I'll go "Kaboom!!" (his words), always mindful of the OHSS.

I'll update again on Saturday when I know more.