Anniversary

I just realised that on the 18th it was my one year anniversary of blogging. I forgot about it as I've worked for my parents during my holidays and hardly get time to read blogs. It seems like a short time ago I was so naive about getting pregnant. I knew nothing about IF. Next month it will be 3 years TTC and we have been doing IVF for 20 months now. I actually feel a bit stressed and am worried about going back to school next week. I have two days back and then go on a study camp. In some ways it has been good to be working as it means I have less time to dwell on IF and IVF etc. It also means that I'll really appreciate my long service leave in March. We only have a six week term at school because of the Commonwealth Games. Our holiday is mainly organised and I get so excited thinking about it.

I told my Dr that I didn't want to cycle this month. If my period had've come earlier it would have been fine as I'm going for a flare cycle again. We seem to have a better fertilization result with a flare. But my period arrived late enough to put me in ER time around about the time I would be on camp. I didn't want to ring the teacher in charge and pull out at this stage, I don't want to explain even though she is lovely, we have shared an office for years and I think she has pretty much guessed. She never pries but asks me how I am and if I'm ok whenever I get back from time off. My Dr said that it was ok to have this month off, but is keen for me to start again after that. It is also good to be debt free this month, no IVF cycles to pay off.

Because I've been working 6 days a week, as I said earlier, I've been too busy to think about stuff. However, a few nights ago, I was watching a British show called "Walking the Dead" ( or something like that) and it had a couple who were infertile. It made me really sad as the husband had had an affair and his lover had got pregnant. Someone had murdered his lover. When the wife found out about the affair and pregnancy she overdosed. It was a pretty lame show and had elements of people being crazed infertiles or adoptees etc. It just left me with an overwhelming sadness. I had one of those sobbing, can't breathe crying episodes in bed that night. I said to J what happens when one of us dies? Who will look after who ever is left behind? I also told him how much I hate my body and myself. This IF stuffs robs my self esteem. J just rubbed my back and then held me until I feel asleep. It's so annoying just when I think I'm under control something sets me off.

No Transfer for you!

I just got home from work and my Dr called to say that our last embryo didn't make it. I had called the nurse from work to find out our transfer time, but she said that they didn't know it and would call me back. As I was at work and would then be driving home I asked her to call J at home. Alarm bells were ringing, usually they tell me the time and that's it. My Dr called J and then the nurse called to tell him the bad news. J was waiting for me when I got home, so I guessed before he said anything. My Dr insisted to J that he would call me and he did. He said how sorry he was and that he would go over my chart and call me next week. I'm a little teary, but J's amazed at how well I'm taking it. I just feel so sad. I picked my sister up to go to work today and my nephews were so cute. Every time I see them I think I want a M or G.

Good news is we have organsied our trip for March when we take long service leave. So far we are going to Adelaide and the Clare Valley ( to stock up on wine). The Ghan from Adelaide to Darwin. Kakadu at Darwin. Then Broome to the Cable Beach Resort. I'm pretty excited as I have some research to do. For instance how many G andT's will I be able to drink on the train before I can't see the pages of the book I'm reading? How many Margaritas can I put away at the resort? As excited as I am, I still wish I was pregnant during this trip.

Blood Tests and Wandings

I'm waiting to ovulate, probably tomorrow. On Friday the scan showed that I would be firing off the right ovary. My Dr said there was no way I would ovulate before the 4th. This is what I told the nurse who kept insisting I was cutting it fine and may lose some of my money if I ovulated before the labs were open. Yesterday's scan indicated that I was actually going to ovulate on both sides. Weird really, fertile, but not.

I also had some blood tests done. My Dr ordered antibody (?) tests and others, including for infections etc. It was all the things I was going to ask him about. We discussed blastocysts as a possibility for another fresh cycle if this FET doesn't work. He has discussed it with the embryologists and they think that the best results are two/three day transfers. I'm also not so sure we would have any make it to day 5 going on the last cycle's effort.

The nurses at the clinic continue to say they will call me with results and for the third time haven't called. Which means I've had to leave messages and play phone tag with them. It is quite frustrating.

Other than that I don't have much to report. I have only taken the main day holidays as I'm working in the family business, filling in for my brother who is down the beach life guarding over summer. I told J that I'm going to spend the money on clothes and stuff. Not IVF bills or the mortgage. This will be so novel actually spending money on fun stuff.

I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs but don't get home from work until after 7.00pm. I might have Friday off work so I'll use that to read and comment.