Nothing deep

I got my period this morning. It was expected as I had HPTed a couple of days running and had some monster period type cramps in the lead up. Including those horrible ones that run down my quads as if I had all of a sudden I had gone to a gym and done a hundred squats.

Nothing profound to report. I keep thinking I should have some words of wisdom or insight. Just the same mixture of sadness, unfairness, anger and vacillating from wanting to cry to feeling nothing. I went to the shopping centre this morning and felt like an extra in that original "Dawn of the Dead" movie, you know the one where the joke is that the zombies just wander around the shops, like normal shoppers. That's me dead woman walking.

Will not FET this cycle as I'll be in South Australia at a winery, hopefully pissed, at about the time I ovulate. It will also be our 3rd wedding anniversary. Can't wait to feel free. It will be nice not to monitor anything. I'm going to suck back the magaritas pool/beachside in Broome.

So FET when we come back, all going well and they decide to survive the thaw.

Went out to dinner with the hens on Friday night as a farewell to V who we teach with and is now on maternity leave. At first I didn't want to go, I didn't think I could survive the baby/pregnancy talk/breast feeding talk, but I was ok. One thing really got to me though and to my SIL. We confessed to each other at a family thing a few days later. One of our friends had been in Byron Bay on holidays and gone to a party. A fairly new mum there had snorted cocaine and then couldn't breast feed and went around the party asking people for formula and then how to make it up. I don't even get angry at these kind of things anymore, I just feel sadder. I'm not saying that I would be the most fantastic mum in the world, but fuck me that's just not on.

Also my SIL was out with other friends and someone she didn't know was carrying on about how she uses all organic stuff for her baby and nothing processed and my SIL felt guilty. Next minute she whips out a joint and lights up. My SIL was mighty pissed.


Another week and a bit before I go away and when I get back I'll bore you all with holiday photos. See you then.

About the same

At least they didn't tell me to sit down like last time, before going through the fertilization report. It's not that flash. Out of the 20 follicles they amended the number of eggs to 18. They fertilized 10 and 8 were going ok. Out of that we transferred a grade 2 and grade 3 today and we might have 2 to freeze. I'm not optimistic about how they will go if we have to thaw them. My Dr didn't do the transfer as it was the weekend and they roster around. So I asked this Dr if it was my egg quality, he said it was hard to be sure, but possibly. Apparently some of the embryos had two nuclei(???or something like that), my Year 12 biology is failing me at the moment. I think the news was slightly easier to bear as J was with me this time, last time he had a leave pass for a Xmas party.

So I'm hoping against hope, feeling a bit emotional as added to this it's the exact day I miscarried last year. I was certain at first that I would get pregnant again pretty quickly. Also I think it's just my age. I'm still getting the egg numbers but not the quality we used to get. Not that that seemed to make much difference anyway.

I leave work next Friday and won't be back until July 3rd. Funny thing is I always intended to leave work on maternity leave, save my long service and have it paid out when I eventually left teaching. I'm actually more of a money person than a holiday person. On Friday they will probably have a morning tea to say goodbye and one of the nice new teachers will be farewelled also, on maternity leave. It's funny that mine will be for the opposite reason. The miscarriage and "millions" of failed IVF cycles have forced my hand. I felt like I would lose it last year and this year it had been replaced by a coping, but sadness in the background. I'm actually a bit nervous about not working as I usually work 6 days a week and it seems to take my mind off things.

Any way that's all to report at the moment. The nurses asked me to get my blood test done locally in two weeks time as it will be difficult to get to the clinic during the Commonwealth Games. I feel sorry for anyone having to go in for scans, pick-ups or transfers during that time. The whole area will be blocked off during the marathon not to mention all the traffic and clogged public transport. I'll blog as soon as I know how this has turned out.

Good numbers

20 eggs recovered, so now just waiting to see how many fertilize. I'm very sore, it hurts to walk. Also the nausea is a bit stronger. My stomach looks like I could be a candidate for the Biggest Loser .