Marking Time and the things that set me off

Just waiting now for my period, the next step in IVF or whatever. At least I'm doing all the things I swear off when I'm on a cycle or when I was pregnant. Drinking red wine, coffee, a bit of chocolate, a good strong Burgher tea ( my husband is a Sri Lankan Burgher and put me on to a good strong cup of tea and tiffin).


Physically I feel great, but mentally I'm up and down. Things set me off. Here are some of them.

PILATES CLASS
I hadn't been for 3 weeks because I was too sad and then too sore. I turned up this week and the teacher who had previously blabbed to the class that I was pregnant, didn't know about the miscarriage. She said her kids must have wiped the message on her answering machine. Then one of the other students who I really like ( we make faces at each other when our abs burn and fail) asked me how I was and I had to tell her. Not only that but she told me she is pregnant and a week behind me. I felt happy for her, but sad for me, it would have been fun to be in class together pregnant. Now every time I go to class I'll check out her stomach surreptitiously and think that would have been me as well.

SCHOOL

I had to tell the Vice Principals and Principal that I was pregnant as I wasn't always making it to the endless meetings teachers love to have. I was so fatigued and nauseous. One of the VP's said to me how much giving birth would change me etc etc. Well guess what honey so does fucking infertility and miscarriage. It messes with me, does my head in. It makes me have these really bitter and twisted thoughts. I'm never feel truly happy any more, even when stuffing around with friends. It is still like I have put a mask on to get through work and life in general. I'm much more like a hermit now, unsure of myself, constantly going over things in my head. Is it because I don't eat meat the baby didn't grow? Was it the fact that I hate my job and the stress of it? Did the baby stop growing because I had to yell at a class that were acting up? Did it happen right at the start when I was on school camp and had to ring my husband to get my Beta and I felt pissed off that I wasn't home with him? Who knows? Who cares?

FAMILY EASTER DO

This was hard. It was good as I saw my close cousins and my family was there. Bad as my sister, who I love, and who is tremendous support to me,is almost due. Same with my cousin's wife. Everyone was rubbing their stomachs, talking about due dates, names, sex of the unborns etc. This morning I broke down I started crying and saying to my husband even though it was early we had names too.

Pet Peeve

Scented dunny paper. It's not posh ( even state schools supply it.) It must be the only thing in the world I'm allergic too and it causes thrush. I've taken to BYOing unscented, non printed stuff with me. Literally pissing me off.



Not much to report other than I put on a facade at work. I answer that I'm good, I smile, sometimes I laugh. Underneath I feel like walking out and never coming back again. I don't know how much longer I can keep looking after everyone else's kids and keep getting kicked in the guts with IVF etc. I get these overwhelming feelings of sadness, they come on at unexpected times.

Miss it so much it hurts

I miss being pregnant. It's as simple and as painful as that.
I miss the sore boobs, the fact that I even went up a bra size (12B to 12C). I loved the blue veins that were appearing.
I miss the pulling and stretching feellings of my uterus.
I miss the full feeling and that I couldn't lie on my stomach.
I miss the fatigue and lying down after work.
I miss the glowing skin and glossy thick hair.
I miss the secret feeling, walking around knowing there was a baby inside me.
I miss the nausea.
I miss the delicious feeling that I would be leaving work and giving birth in October.
I loved the way my changing body turned my husband on. He loved the new curves.
I loved everything about it.
Now I just have a dull ache were my baby used to be.
Now I have to go back to work and pretend I give a shit and everything is normal.

The Get Out of Hell Pass is Renegged

I stopped blogging after I found out I was pregnant, it was like I would jinx myself or something. My mantra was 12 weeks, 12 weeks, God just get me past the magical 12 weeks. I only told the trusted, the one's who would be ok if I came crashing down. A few nosey parkers busted me along the way and it pissed me off no end.

I also didn't know how to approach a blog about pregnancy, I sometimes read the bloggers who have had successful IVF but they're the only one's I can bear to read and only skim read them.
My husband and I tried not to let ourselves get too excited, but suddenly one of us would get caught up and take the other with them. Then remember it was too early to plan and dream.

Then just as we emerged from hell and and I found myself almost back to the easy going, friendly person I used to be (never completely, infertility alters you, I never felt quite the same and always the pissed off anger, the guilt that I'd made it out of IVF, and more I can't express). My life turned into a soap opera.

The first scan showed a small yolk sac, but a heart beat and the baby was the right size. My Dr was worried but said there was some hope, a scan next week. We went away worried but hopeful. I redoubled my relaxation tapes and meditation.

Next week 2 scans the heart beat was there, but the baby was 10 days behind. My Dr and the Dr he got a 2nd opinion of just shook there heads and said that they were sorry there was nothing they could do. J and I appreciated the honesty but I felt so weird, I was walking around knowing the baby was dying. Still experiencing sore boobs, nausea etc. It was surreal to turn up to work every day and pretend that I was normal because it didn't feel normal.

On Thursday the scan showed the baby, but no heartbeat. My Dr was upset about the bad news but I had been bawling for a week and a half now so it was almost a feeling of relief. We all decided that to avoid another operation and anesthetic would be ideal. The plan was to let it pass naturally.


Friday I felt like shite at the swimming sports. Cramping, bleeding, bored and wanting to be in bed. Good thing is I had a giant cuppacino, it's been 3 months since I'd had caffeine.

Saturday, bled heavily over night but that morning it felt like a light, bit crampy period. Wasn't working for the family so I decided to shop for groceries. Big mistake. I must have had the most dramatic miscarriage. So ironic after I had been keeping it quiet at work and trying to be all stoic. Any way I made it around the supermarket, got to the butchers and felt funny( put it down to the sight of the meat and the fact that I'm a vego), Got to the grocers and everything went off track.

I cut short the amount of vegies I was buying as I was in a sweat now, made it to the check out in time to tell the woman I was going to faint. The guys that work there caught me and put me in a chair. They called J ( I carry a mobile for emergencies and left it at home for the first time ever). I felt myself go through stages.
If he gets here now I can still drive

if he gets here now I can make it to his car and a Dr's

If he gets here now I can make it to his car and to the emergency section of the hospital up the road

If he gets here now I can't move

I somehow asked them to call and ambulance and told them I needed to lie down. They helped me out the back and I threw up in their sink. Then I lay on the ground shaking and hyperventalating, trying not to throw up again.
J came and the ambulance not much longer after that. I asked for drugs straight away, that's how wimpy I was, I couldn't take the pain. The drugs were excellent and in the ambulance on the way to emergency, I asked the ambo if this was the wimpiest call out. He said not at all, it's quite common and he said my low blood pressure was part of the problem so I felt a bit better about that. The nurses also told me that different people react differently to miscarriage. My Dr met me at emergency a couple of hours later and luckily I had private cover as there were no beds in public and 3 whole empty wards in private. (Something sucks there)

My poor husband was so freaked out he had chest pains. To make things even weirder he was waiting at home around the time I would have been under and suddenly my Airedale, Leo, let out this long mournful howl. My husband panicked and rang the hospital.

So now I have two days off work to recover from my very public miscarriage and the operation.
And a big thank you to the women who proceeded to interrogate me and tell me off in the grocers for not having a D and C done and that my Dr didn't know what he was doing and I was going to get sick and infected and I shouldn't have been out etc. I bet you were a bossy nurse. ( no offence to nurses. I'm a teacher and my husband sometimes has to pull me into line for being bossy)

(Just a thought, but following the soap opera theme I wouldn't have been at all surprised if I had have woken up after the operation with tubes up my nose, my Dr would have been Marlena, the nurses Beau and Hope Brady, Stephanie would have been at my bedside telling me I would marry Ridge, Thorn or some other square jaw over her dead body and Sally Spectra would declare that I was the best wedding dress designer in the world so that's why she stole all my designs.)