Protocol

This seems to be taking forever. I rang the hospital today to get my protocol which is as follows:
Start Syneral, 11th Nov.
Stop taking the, pill 17th Nov.
First scan 24th Nov.

I'm going to be a couple of pills short so will have to get a new script, strangely there are a couple of pills in this packet that are crushed. All being well I pick up my Gonal-F after the scan. The pill is still making me nauseous, but so far I've only had a few headaches not any full on migraines. I've also been spotting, I don't remember this happening during my two previous down reg. cycles.

I can now obsessively add these dates to my diary and get a rough idea of ER, all being well. As we are winding down at work, it is not as stressful to leave classes. Then I can also count and check months in the hope that I will get pregnant, this is something I do every transfer. I also marked in the weeks when I was pregnant and then had to go back and scribble over them.

I have been up and down over the past two weeks. Some days have been really bad and I walk around work tearing up. On Tuesday F (Hen) came down with her baby, I was flat out , but also too teary to leave my office. She came and got me as I was going over to the staffroom to photocopy anyway. We chatted at the photocopier and pissed ourselves about a certain staff member who has taken it upon herself to be our "weight watcher". The latest bithcy comment was to my SIL a week after she had given birth "When are you due?". I could do a whole post on this cow. Any way I asked her if baby F was here and she said he was in the staffroom, so I said I would go and see him. F could see I was struggling and said I didn't have to, but I did and although I was too close to losing it to hold him, I'm glad I did go and see him. Every time I think about how kind F was to me I want to cry. I was ok enough to organise a massive Cocks and Hens for the last day of term at a bar in the city. Everyone is keen and organising baby sitters. These are usually blinders we go to a different venue each year, it's the best way to unwind from the school year. Even though I look forward to this, I would be happy to be not drinking because this latest cycle worked.

I also had my long service leave approved. Now J has to organise his and we have to decide where to go. Next year I teach for 6 weeks and then we start holidays that are at the same time as the Commonwealth Games. We both thought that getting out of Melbourne during this time would be a good idea. I don't go back to work until the start of July. I can pretend to be a lady of leisure for 18 weeks. I also keep imagining how fantastic my garden will be.

Next Step

I got my period on Wednesday. It seems that I now have a 30 day cycle. The nurse said not to worry IVF often changes people's cycles. When I saw her for the blood test she had my protocol, except it didn't make sense as my Dr had ticked flare cycle and down reg. So she sent me over to his rooms. He saw me on the spot and we discussed the flare cycles in which I produce a lot of eggs and have some embryos to freeze and the the down reg. cycles first and third cycle ( 2nd cancelled due to OHSS risk) where I had less eggs and embryos, but got pregnant.

Actually I told my Dr this as he was still flicking through my file which I had brought with me. As it was 7.30 in the morning and I was rushing to get to work I was too impatient to wait for him to read through it. So we decided to try a down reg. again, even though the pill has some unpleasant side effects on me. I feel nausea, migraines and cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I've warned my husband to expect me to be a bit mental over the next couple of weeks. I don't feel as rushed with this protocol and wanted some change as the last two flare cycles had ended in zip. So here we go again, feeling like an IVF failure and another birthday coming up on the 2nd of November.

This week at work I finally put a letter in requesting long service leave. I've only ever taken 2 weeks for my honeymoon and have a stack saved up. I will take 2 term next year which will give me 18 weeks off work, this includes the school holidays. J also has long service leave and annual leave saved up. We can't decide where to go yet. I'm still leaning towards Sri Lanka although I was put off by Carl Muller's Colombo . There was some really vile things in it like pedophilia and ghastly crimes. J just said I told you so, he doesn't want to go back, and he doesn't trust the ceasefire between the Tamils and the Sinhalese. So we are still tossing around ideas, New Zealand appeals to both of us, I snowboarded there a few years ago and would love to go back and tour both islands. This is of course if I get my long service leave, it has to go through a committee for approval.

Due Date

I'm just waiting for my period to show up it's day 28 of my cycle and I feel like it's about to arrive. Probably come tomorrow in the hopes of tricking me into doing another HPT. I did one 6 and 7 days past transfer, it's funny but the one line looked so pink and the other section so white, I didn't bother doing any others. I was also a complete bitch to J yesterday for the smallest things and I still feel bad about it today. Ever since we went on IVF I seem to have hormones going crazy even between stims, with no medication. It's probably just general pissed off stuff coming out.

Today was my due date. As I write that or think about it tears sting my eyes. I said to J last night that I still felt sad and feel weird thinking about the D and C and the foetus being left in a steel tray and thrown out. We had been at his cousin's G's for her birthday, her husband had bought her this tiny gold angel on a delicate chain to remember their baby that miscarried. G had put her cross in the babies coffin. Her mother said something to me a few weeks ago, that at least G had people that knew she was pregnant, at work as well as family. She said in a way it would be hard for me as it was 8 weeks and we hadn't told many people and you don't have that acknowledgement.

And of course a drive by today at Fertility Secondary College. Another new teacher pregnant.

Despite all that I have been reasonably ok today. I've had a few laughs with friends and have been distracted as I'm teaching most of today. Looking forward to pilates starting again tonight. I also lost 1 and 1/2 kilos last week. I'm not on a diet, but I'm conscious of the extra weight left behind from stims and if we stim again I don't want to add more weight on top of it.

Today I've been pushing a trolley around the school, full of kids projects they are doing in my geography classes. I look like one of those daggy teachers that always push trolleys rather than carry their books. I keep thinking I should be pushing a pram!!!

FET

Had my FET today, two embryos, both thawed out perfectly. I felt slightly teary when I saw them on the screen as J had the biggest smile on his face. I so hope this works. No medication to take, we're just hoping nature takes its course. My Dr crossed his fingers for us as we walked out.

I was starving as the appointment was an hour and half late. I had decided not to eat lunch at work as I was feeling a little nervous and I can see the hospital from my family's shop. So afterwards I scoffed down a falafel and was eyeing off the baclavas but told myself I couldn't afford the calories. Not to mention the money as our hot water system went belly up on Thursday and we had a new one installed on Friday.

I'm back at work on Monday, which is probably a good thing to take my mind off this 2ww. I also probably shouldn't garden, I was lugging bags of pine chips around, weeding, pruning etc. all holidays. I'm very excited as my rose gardens are growing fast and I should have a good show for my Cup Day egg hopper and curries party. A bit of a dilemma though as it looks like two of our horses might line up for races on Melbourne Cup Day, not the big race, but I would love to go as our syndicate gets owners' tickets and it would mean a spot in the stands not in the general lawn area, which looks like a Bacchanalian orgy by 11:00 am. I'm not kidding there are people passed out, girls with their dresses over their heads, sunburnt and chucking up. The men are not much better, although usually aggressive as well. If you want a drink you have to line up for an hour to buy cheap sparkling that costs $6.00 a bottle in real life but $22.00 at the races. We also might have a horse run the weekend after the Cup at Stakes Day so I might go to that instead.

I hate this optimistic feeling at the start of a FET. I've tried to keep it away, but the weather is so good and there are the things, mentioned above, to look forward to.