I channeled ........

..........Bree Van Der Kamp. Much to J's annoyance, that's what our brief holiday at my family's beach house consisted of me cleaning. We hardly get down there as I'm usually working at the weekends along with most of my family and at other times it's crowded and noisy and full of my cousins and their kids. My younger sister is the same, she can't stop cleaning when she gets there pissing off her husband and complaining about the state that relatives have left it in.

It wasn't all bad as we ran the dogs along the beach in the mornings. The Airedale loved it, he is partially blind and he loved being free to run, with nothing to crash into. The first afternoon we ate cheese, olives, etc and drank some sparkling red. J started to get a bit horny, so I went to make up the bed, only to find mouse poo on it. We would have come home, but both of us were a bit pissed so I had to start cleaning. It was the quickest mood killer as I continued that day and the next. Our next holiday is going to be one where we just do nothing but laze around on a beach interstate somewhere.

During my first week of holidays I've binged on coffee, chocolate, alcohol, rich cheeses and sugary things. I haven't taken my Chinese herbs and have done virtually no exercise. I feel quite cynical and keep telling myself fuck it, eat what you want and enjoy yourself a bit, nothing's worked so far any way. I'm also really wary of those strict cut everything out of your diet regimes. I was a vegetarian for 23 years and started eating fish a little over a year ago. I feel however that I'm trapped, I often get iron deficient and feel I should eat meat but can't bring myself to do it, so I supplement instead.

Had a scan today and it looks like I will have a FET sometime towards the end of the week. It's our last two embryos. I don't want to think too far ahead, at the moment I'm still testing for the surge and as I said before quite cynical, sarcastic and angry about nothing and everything.

Questions

Q. When is implantation cramping and spotting not implantation?

A. When your period arrives 5 days later. (Boom Boom)

Q. Since when has dog training turned into a fertility festival?

A. Obviously it changed when J and I spent the last 3-4 weekends doing normal stuff like attending one million kids' birthday parties and having the odd quick transfer here and there.
This is how it panned out. Think about masstiff's owner and decide she must be having baby and won't turn up. She turns up 8 months gone. Wonder if border collies owner will be there, of course and not only that but she is now 4 months pregnant. Then Maltese x owner turns up, haven't seen her for ages. Trainer introduces her to class for people who don't know her and says she has 3 dogs and a son. She then announces to everyone that she has another on the way, even though her stomach is as flat as a pancake. J and I stand off to the side, he comments that we have just been ambushed. Thank God king Charles cavilier's owner is not here, she's gone away to recover from another failed ivf. Me I'm just generally pissed off and Big Leo, my normally social butterfly Airedale thinks it's funny to antagonise other dogs until they snap and want to rumble with him. I must have channeled by mood through him.

Q. When did our school change it's name to fertility high, bar one?

A. When another teacher is pregnant after only working here for 10 weeks. (That's 3 at school and 2 on maternity leave, and me feeling like the dunce.)

One more day and on holidays, intend to do following, eat chocolate, drink red wine, read, do all the heavy weeding and gardening work I was avoiding in case I was pregnant ( that's a good one), phaff around, spring clean, plan birthday bash for Cup Day, attend races with syndicate group and drop a whole lot of money on the GG's. (After all apparently we are flushing it down the loo with ivf, so I might as well have a chance of winning something). Get a massage or two, go away to the beach for a few days. Will post again when know FET.

Sunday's FET

Yesterday I had my FET. We were early for the appointment ( I'm early to everything and then get annoyed at having to wait around), this time it paid off, the couple before were a "no show"??, so we went in before our appointment time.

This was a prime example of how IVF can go from bad to good or vice versa in a matter of minutes. The Dr informed us that the two embryos had thawed out, but were only two cells. I felt defeated before I had even jumped up into the stirrups. Then the embryologist showed us them on the screen and exclaimed that one was now 4 cells. I felt a little bit better. It was the quickest transfer I've had and the 7th. Now I'm trying to forget about it. To help we went to see Kung Fu Hustle straight after it. I felt like a normal person going to the movies not thinking about IF stuff. We both realised how little we seem to do as we are always caught up in IVF planning, disappointments, hope and general IF stuff.

Spring

Well J's party went well. Although we were exhausted as we had his family for lunch and mine for dinner. Our house is just a little bit small to have everyone over at the same time. The weather was 23 and a north wind, so it was as if spring had come early. It felt like Spring Racing Carnival, except my roses aren't out yet, so I had 2 glasses of bubbly. I poured a third but spilt it in the kitchen and decided that was it. I cooked chocolate cake, orange and poppy seed cake and cup cakes for the kids, along with some curries.

G came, J's cousin, I rang her during the week and she wasn't sure if she could cope. She wanted to know if my SIL would be there and her baby. (My SIL and I are married to Sri Lankan Burgher brothers, G's cousins). I found out that they were and she wasn't sure if she could cope, I said we totally understood etc. Anyway she came and I could see she was battling to keep it together. They looked shell shocked, like they couldn't quite believe this terrible event had happened to them. Also at one stage my BIL wouldn't stop talking about the birth, baby etc. J wanted to say something to him on the quiet, but couldn't get him aside. We knew he would have been mortified, but he was so excited he didn't look at G's face. It's very hard, they shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells, but I was dying for G.

J got a few presents from me; some new jeans, a voucher for a reflexology session, a watch and I got a brazilian done ( after over a year of being natural down stairs, I'm a little bit embarrassed about my transfer which will hopefully be sometime this week or next).

I also won the footy tipping competition at the family business, this was because I didn't tip my team Carlton. They finished last on the ladder only the second time in their 140 year history. I'm going to use the $200 for a facial and a pedicure.

Transfer news: Sunday is transfer day. I just got home from work (Saturday) and I'm a little bit on edge hoping that our embryos thaw out. Also I've been pretty upset as we had J's granma's funeral yesterday. I get quite emotional about things easily, especially these days. Although I did manage to nurse baby F at the wake (SIL and BIL's new baby) with out breaking down.