I didn't think I would be doing this again.

IVF number 5 is about to start. When we got 7 embryos last time I thought that would be the end of stims, surely one would take. So I go into this next cycle even less optimistic (if that's at all possible) and 4 months older.

Period arrived on time as usual. I start sniffing Synarel tomorrow and Gonal-F injections begin on Wednesday. Still seeing my hypnotherapist and had my first appointment on Friday with an acupuncturist who specialises in infertility and has IVF patients. Have put my foot down with J, he has had no alcohol since last weekend and will not have any until after pick up. If I can't drink, he can't drink. He is also going to see the acupuncturist next week. He hasn't tried anything different for any of the IVF's, so it will be interesting to see if we get a better result.

On Friday I went walking before work with a couple of the hens. I had my pedometer on and kept it on all day as we walked to the local aths ground and back to school with the kids. Also I was running around doing judging for the races so I was curious to see how many steps I clocked up. The last time I checked before I left school I had over 14,000 steps. Being a bit obsessive and wanting to see how many more I could clock I had it on when I went to the toilet at the acupunturists'. It fell into the toilet as I pulled my traky dacs down. I had to fish it out, yuk, it's completely ruined. For some reason I was more worried about the really loud splash it made when it hit the water, I kept thinking she must have heard and would think I was taking a dump. I'm one of those people who virtually constipates themselves rather than take a dump in a public toilet, at work etc. What if destroy the toilet? It took me weeks before I could go at J's when we first met. Is anyone else like this or is it just me?

Not So Bad

Well we went to the birthday party, half and hour after receiving the news on Sunday. Timing universe, fucking timing!

My Sil, bless her, is the best fertile friend an infertile can have. I told her what happened, we both blinked away tears. She had a bottle of red and we quickly hoed in. She rested her glass on her very pregnant stomach and I kept going and ended up drinking 3. For me that's quite a lot. We then ate lots of curry.

There was another pregnant woman at the party, I know from J's cousin that she has been on IVF. She came up to us at the party and immediately asked if we had kids. Then said don't worry about it, it took us 10 years. It was so awkward, I didn't really know what to say besides "no" and neither did J. Granted she doesn't know our story, but I can't imagine doing that to anyone. J went right off when we got in the car to go home. He was annoyed with her because she continually rubbed her stomach, all night, sitting or standing etc.

The thing that made me cry on the way home was all the beautiful Burgher children. I want my own caffe latte coloured child. One of the babies was 6 months old with big green eyes, I wanted to hold him, but didn't trust myself to hold it together if I did.

J was at his cousin's (S's) house on Tuesday and she said her pregnant friend was actually mortified with what she had said to us. J told S what had happened before we came and she was upset. You see S is one of those ivf urban legends, she went through it and many years of infertility and stopped and conceived naturally. She understands what it's like and she said she was driven mad by children's birthday parties and certain relatives thrusting babies into her arms. She doesn't speak to some people any more after dealing with IF.

On an IVF note, I'm just waiting for my period. Then flare cycle, which I prefer, no BCP. Also trying to track down an acupunturist who knows about ivf ( Thanks for your help Lili).

School note, my new classes this semester are dream boats. Two are advanced learners and the other class is very calm. No big discipline issues, so I haven't had to do my nut at them. Yesterday one of the senoir students flashed his bum at the rest of the students in the senoir centre. How he thought we wouldn't see is beyond me, we call our office the fishbowl. It's kind of funny now, although he is suspended for his efforts.

Jinx

I rang to get my FET time today and the nurse said 2.15 on Monday. This suited me fine as it's first day back at school and it meant I could orgnise my classes for the afternoon. We don't usually get our timetable until we get back so I have no idea when my classes are tomorrow.

After getting off the phone I said to J we have been lucky so far that all our embryos have thawed out for FETS. Just over an hour later the nurse rang back with bad news. None of the last 3 embryos survived the thaw.

Is it too much to ask for one little fertiltiy break from the universe? Now I'm about to go J's cousin's daughter's 2nd birthday party. It will be a big reminder about how barren we are and I have to try to stop crying. I just feel like going to bed, curling up and dying.

This sums things up beautifully

I always look forward to picking up a copy of the support newsletter from my IVF clinic. I haven't joined the mailing list, some how I just can't bring myself to sign up. Luckily they have copies of it in the waiting rooms and you can just grab one on an appointment. The one that came out a few months ago had a great quote in it. I thought I would share it as some of my good friends read my blog and I don't think I always express myself that well in words.

"While a woman is actively undergoing treatment, or even in the spells between cycles, the desire to get pregnant becomes the central focus. The experience of treatment becomes a paradox. One can hardly bear to be in treatment because it necessitates risks, and entails the possibility of failure. Conversely, being off treatment is equally unbearable because there is no hope of pregnancy. At times, we cannot live with treatment and we cannot live without it. The significant factor is that treatment and pregnancy are uppermost in our consciousness, they pervade our being." ('Patient Stories, personal experience of IVF', published by IVF Friends Inc.)

I would actually go on to add that IF tinges everything in my life with sadness, anger, frustration, grieving and desperation.

I had the scan on Monday and asked my Dr if there was anything else I could do. I told him I cut out alcohol, coffee, chocolate during FETs. I asked him about baby aspirin, it seems to be popular in the US. He said it wasn't a good idea and may even be harmful. It's just so frustrating and annoying. There has to be something else I can do for implantation.

Nothing Much to report

On holidays, nothing much to report. I have a scan tomorrow ( Monday) at 7.30 am, as usual everything will be ready to go for a FET. But there is no answer to why won't they implant.
Had a small nervy B last night, found it difficult to eat Friday and then yesterday. J cooked me an omlette last night and I finally ate.
Tuesday a hens' luncheon. Love these, but 3 hens are pregnant and my mind obsesses over why I'm not, why did I miscarry, annoying loop etc..

Here is a picture of our dogs. Leo is the Airedale and Lucy the Beagle x Cavalier. Super cute! Behind them is one of the holes they have dug in the lawn.