Fad Diets

When I was a teenager and in my early 20's I was convinced I was fat and was forever going on fad diets.( In reality I had Nana's hips, often referred to as childbearing in our family, the cruel irony) These diets were so ridiculous that today they probably wouldn't even make it to publication as they mainly involved stavation rations and limiting yourself to one food. So eventually I would break the diet and gorge on cheese and rich foods things like that.

I'm displaying the same pattern of behaviour with pregnancy tests now. My theory is that it's the same principle of denial. You eventually binge when you keep denying yourself things. When I statred IVF JC banned me from doing pregnancy tests. For 16-17 months before I religiously tested every month sometimes twice and he saw me get more and more frustrated and upset. So I agreed to take a break.

However, there is no stopping me now. Because I was on holidays and had lots of time to worry I decided to start doing them. I didn't tell JC but he saw some wrapping in the bin and guessed. Eventually I came clean and told him and found out he already knew.

I told himI couldn't control it and if I'm pregnant I'm going to do a pregnancy test every week just to see the two pink lines. I might even take one in to work and show the hens. I might even frame it.

I know it's too early to tell yet only 5,6 and 7 days past transfer, so I probably keeping doing them except for next week when I'm on camp.

Scared

I think my periods about to arrive. Sometimes yesterday and sometimes today I was convinced that it was about to and didn't want to go to the toilet. Any one knowing me knows that I have a bladder the size of a pea and need to go often. Although I'm sure it's psychological, if I'm going on a long trip, for example, a school camp or excursion I need to go even just walking down to the bus. My husband and I changed sides of the bed so I was closer to the toilet.
So last night to try and get over my anxiety I baked a cake with fresh raspberries in it and watched a great British murder show Blood of the wire or something like that. Made even more deliciously scary as my husband was away. The Poms do great murder mysteries. So today I have been picking at the cake and eating way to much to try and stuff the worry back down. I'm driving myself nuts with the self talk debating whether or not. I obsessively go to chat boards and google IVF and implantation.
I don't feel as if I will lose it and find it hard to stop crying this time if it's a BFN as I feel pissed off. But who knows, I seem to tear up at the drop of a hat these days. Especially when I take my thoughts to what if I never get pregnant? How do I deal with life in the future? And many more. I don't want to go there yet.

The Dr Dilema

This happened at the start of my IVF stuff and although it sorted it self out it still is a bit weird.
When I told my mum who my Dr was she said she knew him as he has been in our family business/shop many times. I thought that's not right, what if I'm working ( I work there part time at weekends) and he comes in? The reactions from my close girlfriends (The Hens) were mixed. But mostly consisted of laughing.
I decided not to mention anything to my Dr, then one Saturday I finished up at work for the day and left the shop. Apparently 5 minutes later he entered the shop. My Dr worshipping dad who didn't know the plan to keep things quiet immediately told him. I was so embarrassed and agonised over how was I going to cope with my next appointment. It just doesn't seem right to have your fanny looked at by someone who knows your family and you could see out in the street in real life. I made my husband come to the next scan and got over my initial misgivings. In fact I think I may get slightly favoured after all he has been coming into the family business since 1978.

The Two Week Wait

Have you ever noticed how during your 2 week wait everyone around you gets pregnant. In my first two week wait my sister announced she was pregnant almost at the same time I found out I wasn't. I didn't want to tell her and ruin her news.
Then I had two embryos transferred in Dec after a successful egg collection. All of a sudden I was bombarded with pregnancy announcements during my 2 week wait, my cousin's wife, a close friend (who was too scared to tell me and rang just as I was getting my period), my sister in-law, my naturopath. Even a news reader on one of those morning shows announced she was up the duff just as I turned on the TV. Opened up my e-mail an ex student had sent 20 photos of her baby. My husband comes home from our Osteopath, she's pregnant and also too scared to tell me.
One morning I was walking my dogs, I stopped to let some young girls pat them. One asked if my little dog was pregnant. That would be right I thought is this some kind of conspiracy against me and what will the Airedale beagle x caviler puppies look like?
I feel pleased for these people but it just kind of makes it cut deeper that I'm not pregnant. I can't help but feel like a dud. Thank God my husband is so positive about it all.
This two week wait I'm keeping my head low, luckily I'm still on holidays. Each -ve has fallen on holidays and I have been able to have my mini nervy B's at home. It's weird people feel scared to tell me as I've always been a pretty meek and mild person. Although these days I see a change I feel angry and can actually see myself becoming much more cynical and pissed off. Not to mention my withdrawal from the world in general.
(Also noticed that during two week waits there are always massive social events on like a close friend's wedding and you can't drink)

Natural therapists, good and bad.

I must admit I feel pretty ripped off having to go through IVF/ICSI to try and get pregnant. I have done yoga for 23 years , and have kept reasonably fit and healthy (uni days and drinks with the girls aside). I have always gone to alternative health professionals, but now find myself less likely to put up with their space cadet crap.
Reflexologist: My husband JC gave me a voucher for Xmas as I love having my feet massaged, pampered etc. When she asked me about recent medication and operations I said IVF (reluctantly ,but always a faint hope something else might help with implantation). She then preceeded to ask me annoying questions the entire hour. Do you know how to relax? I think it's your lower back. You know these foods ....... are good for endo. This is even after I blurted out that it was male factor. She then made me choose a spiritual card or something at the end and said it was commitment and read out all these things about how I should stick to one thing and see it through. Excuse me am I missing something here? Nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, two stim cycles, nasty case of OHSS, Two transfers and a BFN. ( Currently on 2 week wait after FET yesterday,3rd transfer.)
There has been a few others along the way,like the accupunturist telling me IVF was invasive and not needed. Apparently the herbs that smelt like dog shit tea would do the trick.
The Good: My naturapath Who knows all about IVF, the medications, procedures etc. Who supports and doesn't judge. Who just got pregnant after 2 and a half years of unexplained infertility.
Even though I'm a lot more cynical these days I can see how easy it is to be sucked in as the cycles pass and I bacome more of a basket case. I'll clutch at any straws.